A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok I'm at my wits end about what to do with my bf. We've been together for 4 years and lately I've been feeling hot and cold when it comes to him.. One minute I see myself growing old with him having kids getting married, and a day later I'm wondering whether we're right for each other. We want so different things, he's happy just chilling out on the sofa all day watching tv, I want interaction, affections.. We can go for weeks where we're getting on really well, we have a laugh we talk we mess around, but to me that's all well and good but there's no physical contact, there's not cuddles and kisses. There's sex but only when we're alone and he'll come over to me when he wants it. But I have to ASK for kisses and cuddles in the meantime. He however thinks its normal to not do any of that intimate stuff. When I think now its as if were best friends and sex buddies but nothing in between.I want him to be more emotionally open with me, and he wants me to stop complaining whenever I challenge him about it. I know he loves me and I love him with all of my heart but we both have different ideas on what a relationship should be like and neither of us have it in us to change for the other. We've tried so many times before.My problem now is do I stay with someone who half the time makes me happy and who I love so much but who can't give me that little bit extra that I need? This has been the root of so many problems in the past.. I get paranoid that he doesn't love me, that he doesn't feel the same, that he doesn't want me.. Is there any way I can get past this and stay with him or is it the end of the road?? Please help..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2010): I have the same problem. Only I get told it's not normal to want affection and I usually am made to feel as though I am a dog, begging for a pat.
Why is it that someone says that they love you but they just don't show it? The only time I get hugs or cuddles is in the middle of the night when I am woken up by his arms pulling me close to him. Only he does it in his sleep, and he wakes me up every time he does it - and I never complain, because it's all I ever wanted from him.
I am stupid for staying with him, I know this, I just don't understand why he can't love me like he said he would, like he said he was this type of person and now he isn't that person anymore.
I know the right thing to do is leave him but I moved interstate for him, I begged to tell me before I started applying for apartments, if he really did love me, and if he really wanted ot be with me. He promised he did and he wanted to be with me and he saw himself married to me, kids etc.
So I applied for apartments, found one, and all he does is walk around my apartment like it's his own place. He has no respect for my things, for example, I ask him to please not have his shoes on my own rug (he works in a factory and is always dirty etc) he leaves rubbish lying around, or on the bench when the bin is a metre away. I have to ask him to help me clean up, when I am just basically walking after him and cleaning up after him. On the weekend, there was a car race on TV that lasted 7 hours, he said it started at 10 AM, so I went at about 8 or 9ish to watch something else and he got all angry saying he was watching the race and i said well it starts at 10 am doesnt it? Can't I watch some tv before that starts? You're gonna hog the TV all day with your race. He snapped at me and got angry, I felt so angry, this was my house, my tv, why can't i watch tv for a bit of time before what he wanted to watch started?
Then I baked some cupcakes, cooked lunch for us, for an hour in the kitchen. After that he ate 1 cupcake, then another, and I asked him to please not eat anymore. I actually wanted to bring them in to work for my workmates. But he ate another one, after I assked him not to. I asked him to please STOP eating them and showed him I was being serious. He mocked me and said sorry i didnt know you wanted to eat them all, I said no i just dont want you to eat them ok. I dont know why at the time i didnt just say that i was taking them to work the next day. Anyway he got up during a commercial, i had asked him to please do the dishes (we have a rule, I cook he cleans and vice versa). So he did the dishes and went and made a gesture to eat the cupcakes again. I got SO mad, and said no dont!!! STOP EATING THEM!! I baked nine and he had 4 out of the 9. He went to grab one and I went to him and pulled him away from the kitchen bench where they were. Now I am not a strong girl. I am actually quite weak, and he ALWAYS hurts me, even when we are just mucking around, he actually bruises me without intending to. But he even says to me that i am weak because he hurts me sometimes and he cant believe that he has hurt me. Well this time he claims that i DID hurt him, I was like, WHAT?? HOW? All I did was pull you out of the way. But he punches me back in the arm, and walks away from me. So I go up to him and say why did you do that? He did that INTENTIONALLY. THEN he kicked me in the bum/thigh area HARD INTENTIONALLY. I said what is wrong with you??? What are you doing?? He said I deserved it because I 'used force' on him so I had to be punished. I swear when he did that to me I wanted to kick and punch him back in the face and break it in, but i stayed calm and sat down and kept watching tv. So I thought, you know what? You can't treat me this way. So I changed the channel on him. So he got his lap top and said 'i dont care i will watch it online' I said not with my internet you wont. So I unplugged the modem. He stood at the kitchen bench like an idiot with his lap top and no internet connection (apart from his little USB internet thing) which is too slow to connect to live streaming anyway, and he stood there for ages. The next thing is a blur. But I do remember him saying that i was the problem, and that i had to be punished. What kidn of crap is that?? I wanted to couples counselling so long ago. he refused saying 'there was nothing wrong with him' so he wasnt going to do it. I said i didnt say something was wrong with you, i want help for us this is too hard. he said you go, im not the one who needs help. You are. I was like WTF????????????
So I saw someone, a while back, and he told me that he was an emotional abuser and he didn't know it, and that he had the potential to be a physical abuser too. He controlled me and blamed me for his actions. (And he does, he always tells me that he acts the way he does, because I make him act that way. It's my fault every single time and that he isnt normally like this he is a calm, gentle, fun loving guy with no dramas and when he finds a problem he walks away from it and he is happy living his life this way.) He always tells me if I didn't complain and stuff that he wouldn't be this way. Well if he helped me around my house isntead of turning it into a pigsty all the time, I wouldn't ask him to help me do things. He honestly acts like a teenage kid being asked to do stuff by his mum while he ignores his responsibilities and keeps playing his stupid video games. He lives at him and he is 32 and he has everything done for him. He smokes cigarettes and he did hard drugs for a period of 2 years but he is scared to tell this to his mother because he 'doesn't want to have to deal with her'. So while he walks around being an a$$hole of a person, his family honestly believe that he is some kind of god's gift). He actually believes it's ok to walk away from problems (literally, he gets up and walks away from me in the middle of a conversation that he may not like)and he says he has not had any problems living life this way and that he is happy like that. He SO needs a reality check? How can you solve a problem with a couple when one person never wants to TALK about it?
AM I going crazy or he just a crazy deluded guy who, at 32, has SERIOUS imamturity issues????????????????
WHY AM I WITH HIM I don't know anymore. He has asked for a break and even admitted lying to me saying he loved me and he would come over the following day, and then sent me a text saying he lied and he wanted a weeks break.
WHAT THE HELL?????????????????????
Oh and his aunt suffers from bipolar disorder and he was raised as an athiest and belives in NOTHING and has no values or morals or anything. He laughs at other people's misfortunes and even makes fun of me, if i get hurt or something, he always calls me a drama queen and says that i am crazy and that i need help.
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH I HATE WHAT HE DOES TO ME.
A
male
reader, Emancipator +, writes (11 October 2010):
 Hmmm, when you've been together for so long I understand the very thought of breaking up turns your stomach (even if you want to). And its not very sound advice to say "break up", but really I'm PERSONALLY sitting on the break up wiht him side of the fence. Now you need to ask yourself, can you really LOVE someone who shows you no physical and emotional affectionate autonomously themselves? You should NEVER have to ASK your partner for them, to show affection. When you trully love someone, the feelings inside you are so immense you cant help but be affectionate towards the person you love, to NOT be affectionate would be betraying your own emotions.
Now if you think you trully do love your boyfriend, then you need to be brutally honest with him, that youre not happy with his lack of affection. Now eveyone has their different opinions on what a "relationship" should be, but if one of you feels it should be loving and intimate, and the other full of sex and nothing more, you're obviously incompatible. You go to him for kisses and he goes to you for sex?- I seriously see that as you both having different priorities in a relationship. While he may not be using you soley for sex, from your description it seems, he maybe appreciates sex more than YOU. Which is a real shame.
Why ever be in a relationship that is not how you imagined it or ever wanted it to be? Im with you, i want immense ammounts of love and intimacy in my relationships- kissing should NEVER be a rarity.
So just be totally HONEST with him, thats the only thing you can ever do in a situation like this. And if he doesnt want to change, you should go find someone who loves you trully in ways that you can appreciate and share (lots of kissing and cuddling). I know 4 years is a long time, but in the long run, you're hurting yourself being with someone you just dont click with on an emotional and intimate level. All the best.... Josh.
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