A
male
age
41-50,
*onelyguywb
writes:Well it's a hard situation. I work with this amazing girl and we talk all the time and can tell each other anything about anything. We hang out alot outside of work, text each other and can talk for hours. Unfortunately she is married and has been for about 3 years. She is 25 and I am a single dad 28. Recently she told me how she just can't stand her husband, who I'm also friends with. She just doesn't feel the same way about him anymore and wants something better. She tells me how he is very smothering, boring, etc.This last week I had to evacuate my house due to flooding in the northeast and I stayed at their house for 3 days. We clicked on all levels, even waiting to go out and party once he fell asleep. But it's more than that. I really believe in soul mates and just know she is the one for me. It tears me apart on the inside. I know it's wrong because she's married.Also, when I did stay at their house, she would always share the couch and blanket with me even put her feet up on me when we were laying down watching tv. Her husband got bumped to the other couch. Nothing sexual or anything happened with her and I to set things straight. There's just an extreme amount of tension, and there has been for almost 2 years. Deep down I want to tell her how I feel, but don't want to risk our friendship and make things awkward. But I can tell by the look in her eyes she's screaming out for me, but because she's married it can't happen. What do I do, do I let her know my feelings?? Or do I let it go since she's married and just be a good friend?? I'm torn and since I've left there house I just feel like something is missing now, the 3 days we shared were amazing.
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female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (21 September 2011):
 Hi,
Thank you for letting me know how things are going. I just want to let you know that you are a gentleman. For the first time, I want you (the other man) to be happy, together with her. Hope you have a lovely time.
Best wishes
A
male
reader, lonelyguywb +, writes (21 September 2011):
lonelyguywb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you chickpea. And that's the main thing is her hubby. This last weekend we spent with friends was amazing. Even today we went for lunch with my son and then to her house to see her 3 dogs. She asked if this would be awkward now and I told her no cause our friendship means the world to each other. We're going out tomorrow afternoon the 2 of us to really talk and go from there. I want to do this the right way and be a gentleman about it. It's been stressing me out but I expected that. I have never felt this way before for someone, not even my ex who I had my son with.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (20 September 2011):
Hi,
I am glad you finally had the chance to talk to her, and things went well. Very good!!! Whatever you both decide, if you feel this will lead to something else, please you, and her make sure that her husband is ok... Always respect, and consider his feelings...
Good luck
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A
male
reader, lonelyguywb +, writes (19 September 2011):
lonelyguywb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I poured my heart out to her last night and finally told her. And it went very well, since she finally told me she's been feeling the same way lately. She didn't get offended or blow it off. We talked for almost 2 hours.
And this week we're going to sit down and talk even more and go from there.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (18 September 2011):
Hi,Thank you for keeping us post in your situation. I really don't know what to say, it's really confusing... I don't blame you to feel this way. I can't tell either if she's into you as romantic partner or friend? Whatever you do, do the right way. You all spent time together, sounds like everybody had fun. Seems like her husband is a good guy, good friend to you. Like I said before, have a talk with her, be honest about everything. But, what I really concern about is her husband. I feel bad for him. Please, whatever you and her decide, just try to break the news to him the best way you can. We all know there's no way you can tell him in any nice way, but just have compassion, be respectful, because like i said, they've been together a long time, and he seems like a nice guy. Goo luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2011): So I'm guessing that u have resigned yourself as your friends wife's lover?
How do u even look him in the eye? Do u even look in the mirror? Do u like wha u see.
By accepting/ receiving a key to your friends bedroom means that u are just as bad as his wife.
Morals? Integrity? Faithfulness? Sadly all 3 missing!
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, lonelyguywb +, writes (17 September 2011):
lonelyguywb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOne more thing I forgot...me her and her hubby went out Thursday and we we're taking pics of each other having fun. She didn't like her pic with her hubby so we took one together and now it's the background on all 3 of our phones. He even said something along the lines of "you 2 look great together and better than us" I don't know if he's throwing out hints he's suspectible or what
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A
male
reader, lonelyguywb +, writes (17 September 2011):
lonelyguywb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis weekend will be it. Her hubby's out of town and we're going somewhere for the weekend with our friends. And even all this week we've been talking/texting 2-3 hrs a night and she gave me a key to their house yesterday too which caught me off guard. It's just to the point now that the tension is at it's breaking point . Now or never I guess
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (14 September 2011):
Hi,
So far you are handling the situation well, like a honorable man. Just make sure to talk about her and her husband first. I am sure she needs your support and advice. She's sad, confused, scared to make any decisions. Its important to make sure how she feels about the marriage? If there's any hope, you should give them a chance before you disclose your feelings towards her. If you don't solve her issues first, it will only complicate things for her, making her more confuse.
I am sure you care about her very much, and I'm sure you want to start this the right way. Honesty is the best way, so if you start having a relationship with her, it will be nice, happy, no guilt or regrets.
Good luck! Keep us post
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A
male
reader, lonelyguywb +, writes (14 September 2011):
lonelyguywb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGood point, that's what has been going on with her, she's just nervous since thats the only guy she's really known. They've been together since high school. Ill be out with her this week or texting her. I try to give her good advice to work things out with him. But she seems to have her mind set. I just don't want to come in and be a homewrecker. I just want to be there for her cAuse it's sad and nervous debating whether or not to go through with this. Also I still didn't give her my speech on how I feel yet. By the end of the week that will happen.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 September 2011):
 I left a dying marriage for the man I'm with now. No children involved and my husband was aware of the relationship from the get-go....
it happens... and it can work but she has to be open and honest and above board....
sometimes people want and need out of a relationship but they just don't have the nerve to do it... I don't blame my current partner for the death of my marriage.. it died on it's own. He was not the CAUSE of the death of the marrige he was just the catalyst that enabled me to end someething sooner rather than later.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2011): Does your friend know that his "friend" is about to become his enemy.
Seems like u have no qualms about her disrespecting her hb. A little while from now u may be on the receiving end. To blatantly witness her disrespect and her rudeness to her hb and u do not say anything about it? Speaks volumes of u too.
This woman has obviously no respect of herself therefore she has no respect for anyone else.
Bacareful what u wish for, it may come true
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, lonelyguywb +, writes (12 September 2011):
lonelyguywb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know it sounds like a horrible idea and I've honestly tried all sorts of way of meeting people. I guess you're right it is sort of an infatuation.
I have alot of respect for both of them as well. I just feel like she isn't happy and won't be. I even talked to her about the 2 of them maybe trying councelling or talking to someone about their problems.
It's hard to not let me know my feelings for her. I don't want to have that regret(like boo22 mentions) regardless of how it goes.
If things go awkward when I decide to tell her she'll brush it off and bust my butt about it. I just want to get my feeling for her off my chest, and it's a secret I can't keep bottling up. If it goes right then who knows and I'm prepared to take that chance.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2011): I can't believe so many would give u the green light and deem her marriage already over. Obviously you don't believe in karma. If she is married and gets bored and spark new fires with some other man what convinces you that if you two ever be this same behavior will not happen. Plus u should know relationships settle down over time and it becomes like a companionship and not so hot and sexy as when it first sparked. Respect her and her husband and their marriage. You will regret this, I promise u. Let's say u do win her but in a few years you two face the same issues, you will become jealous, paranoid, suspicious for the rest of your life. You won't see her the same. It says a lot about her character that she would disrespect her husband like that. I think you're just infatuated by her. But u need to back off without letting her know your feelings. Imagine it being u in a few years, be more considerate and not so selfish. If youre lonely find a single lonely lady. It seems like a horrible idea, not just morally either. If you don't think you could be in her husbands situation if you two do pursue each other than you are really selling yourself a sweet dream. Wake up...
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A
male
reader, lonelyguywb +, writes (11 September 2011):
lonelyguywb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your answers. To anonymous: I like your view on the choices that we don't make, I look at alot of things that way mostly because I always try to make the safe and smart move which usually backfires.
To anastasia and chickpea: Talking with her and getting a feel things sounds like a good start for me.
Well hopefully within the next week or 2 I'll have the chance to talk to her about either at work on our lunch or a time when the two of us may go out after work. And I'll just go from there
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A
female
reader, boo22  +, writes (11 September 2011):
 If you know in your gut that your friend feels the same and it's not wishful thinking, then for god's sake tell her!!
Life's too short for stuff like this. Why is she still in this marriage if it's not what she wants any more?? You talk like getting a divorce is the end of the world. If she doesn't love him any longer then she should end her marriage so her husband can find someone who loves him.
Put yourself out of your misery. If you are as close as that and she doesn't feel the same then your friendship will survive, even if it's awkward for a while. Good luck xxx
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A
female
reader, Anastasia  +, writes (11 September 2011):
 Hi,
I see the difficult and awkward situation that you are in. She is married and you need to have that in the forefront of your mind at all times, despite how she says she feels about her husband. We all have choices in life and she has a choice to leave. You didn't mention if she has children or not. The mere fact that her husband was banished to the couch and I am assuming he went....means that they both know their marriage is empty. But that does not mean that it is a green light for you...she is still married to him and you need to respect that. Also, you are a single father, you need to set the right example for your child.
My advice to is to let her know (not so intensely) how you feel, and let her know clearly, that she is married and that it is difficult for you to harbour these feelings and not want to act on it. Ask her what she is feeling and you will know where you next step will be.
I hope this helps.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2011): A lot of people may disagree with me but here I go....
If she flirted with you in front of her husband and he also just sat there doing nothing, then their marriage is likely to end eventually anyway (and yes, sending that kind of body language IS flirting...besides all the other messages you have sent each other).
It's one thing for a couple to be a rut, and it's another for one of them to have come to kind of despise their partner. Her treating her husband in that way shows she doesn't feel attracted anymore nor does she respect him. And once a woman doesn't respect her man it's over.
You can be the "asshole" and try to break them up, or you can sit by and watch it happen.
But it is always the choices which we do not make that we end up regretting. If you try, you will at least know that it wasn't your fault for sitting on the sidelines that "the one" got away.
The only warning I would give is that if you do try anything that you make sure and confirm a ROMANTIC connection between the both of you. That she is not just wanting to be seduced because of her boring marriage, but that she actually has feelings for you too and that your values match as potential partners.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (11 September 2011):
Hi,
I am glad that you both didn't take the next step. I respect you for that.
You've been having these feelings for the past 2 years. You both are great friends. She is not happy with her marriage, but doesn't do anything about it. It must be a reason why she doesn't leave her husband if she's so unhappy?
Before you make any decision, you have to let them solve their problems. If you decide to approach her and disclose your true feelings, she needs to end the marriage, she needs to decide what she wants. Because, if you do start having a romantic relationship with her, I am sure you want to start the right way. Make sure what she really wants, it's very important. What if she separates, start something with you, then realize she still have feelings for her husband again? Then things will get complicated, and you will be hurt...
Next time you have the opportunity, try to have a serious conversation with her about her husband, marriage, her future, etc. Ask her everything you want to now, then make a decision.
Good luck
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