A
male
age
36-40,
*ray
writes:Hi, I have recently split up from my fiance of nearly 4 years and im finding it extremely hard. we have a 2 year old son together and have not long moved into a new house. this month i have made mistake after mistake and she had had enough and left me 1 week ago. i really dont know what to do, she rings me everyday' and she says shes only ringing me because she wants us to be friends, she is still telling me that she loves me when she rings, but one minute she says she loves me an maybe we will try again in a few months, an then the next minute tells me its over for ever and we just arnt made for each other. she is living with her parents right now, who already have a crowded house with another baby living there, almost all of her stuff is still here and all of our sons toys as well! And i know she still regards this house as hers because she told me yesterday not to let certain people into her house! the thing thats worrying me is, we have been here before' in fact we have been here about 50 times, and she always comes home, im just terrified that ive had too many chances with her' as she keeps telling me! i know ive made a lot of mistakes, and im genuinely sorry to her and i am going to change my ways, but she just keeps telling me that she has heard my promises and speeches before and that it wont work this time. Im supposed to be meeting them both tomorrow for something to eat and so i can see our son, but she is adamant that she is not coming home and that she is single, yet she tells me she loves me on the phone. what should i do? Please help me, ive already spent a week without them both, and i dont know how much longer i can cope. Thank you for taking the time to read this, any help is much appreciated :(
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male
reader, Gray +, writes (14 February 2010):
Gray is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell things have just got worse in the last 2 days, this morning she foned me and asked me if i could take our son back to her today which i was sad about, but then she said.. can i ask you something? so i said yeah, and she said what did that message off your mum mean' when she asked you if your going for custody of our son! well for a start that was a private message that my mum sent me on facebook' she went on my hotmail acount and read my e-mails! and i already know that she is spying on my facebook acount! what does this mean? anyway so i explained to her that my mum was just saying it as a joke (which she was) because she was just surprised to see that i still had our son after 3 days. well anyway on facebook she started to message me and we started to have an arguement sort of thing, she told me to F*CK off' and to stop looking at her facebook, and that she doesnt give a flying F*ck anymore, and that she is SINGLE! today has just been a bad day, not only is it valentines day an im spending it without her but now this falling out has realy upset me! 2 days ago we were great and she was so nice to me, telling me that she loves me, and that im the man she loves, and that we are going to be ok in the end, i just dont understand why she has changed back to being this way again :( and now im really worried that what we spoke about on friday about us being ok in the end, has all just been ruined!! she is meant to be coming here on tuesday ' but im not sure if she will now due to the way she is being with me. i hope she does!! :( i just dont know what to do :( please help me!!!
A
male
reader, Gray +, writes (13 February 2010):
Gray is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok so i just wanted to update you on whats been going on, ill try my best to explain... yesterday was probably the best day so far in all of this horrible mess. The day before yesterday she asked me to go up there and that i could pick our son up' and have him stay over at our house for the night, which i was very happy about' as it was less than 2 weeks ago that she told me i could never be left alone with him overnight again! but it was yesterday were the breakthrough happend, she phoned me at 10.30 to let me know that her plans for the day had been ruined (her friend was suposed to be going round to see her and cut her hair) but she had been let down, so she agreed to meet me and our son and to take him out for a day out. The first 2 hours were just normal' just friendly, no talk about us or any of our problems, we took our son to a kids play place and afterwards me and her had a game of 10 pin bowling! we then decided that we would go for some lunch and it was on the way to the restaurant that she finaly opend up about some stuff. As we were walking she nudged into me with her shoulder on purpose and smiled at me, so i did the same back' she then said 'why did you have to ruin things'? i natuarly got upset and miserble instantly but i didnt show her i was sad, but she could tell sumthin was up as i had stoped talking and had gone quiet. i told her' because i WAS an idiot, past tense' she laughed and said 'present' and i said 'past' she said 'future' and we laughed a little. she said to me 'you have no idea how much i loved you'... so i said 'past tense' ;) and i laughed' and she said 'NO'. ... sorry if that was confusing! .... anywaywe walked for another 3 minutes and she could see that i was still upset a bit, she rubbed my back and told me that we will be ok :O she told me that we will be together again one day, but that she knows that this is the best way for us to move forward' she actualy used the words' i promise! she explained to me that all the other times she has came back i have never changed like i said i would, and so this time she wants to do it properly, and that i have to completely transform myself. she did also say that she is still going to look for a house were she lives now, and that i still might lose this house, and that she IS going to be single for a very long time. she said that the emotional scars just need tome to heal, but in the end everything will work out for us! well i was overjoyed! it was exactly what i needed to lift my spirits, the girl ive been trying to win over and prove myself to for the last 2 weeks has just promised me we will be ok in the end! i should be made up.. right? i am very pleased, as i know deep down that yesterday massive progress was made' and yesterday was a big improvement on the day before... but i still feel a million miles away from the finish line. if you have read this story from top to bottom, you would know that when we split up in the first week these things were said.. i hate you' you will never have our son overnight ever again, you will never hold me in your arms ever again, if you want to fight' then fight but your fighting a losing battle, she doesnt want me, and i should just learn to accept it .... but as it stands today .... i still have our son here, he has stayed with me for the last 2 nights on the run, and is looking like im having him overnight again, i promise things will work out in the end' just have faith and we will be together again, there is something very much worth fighting for, and last night on the phone' at about 6pm she said she was going out for a few drinks with her friends and i got a bit worried and upset' just because i know she's single now and i got scared someone would take her away from me, she realised that i was upset and worried straight away and she told me... In the time that we are apart i WILL NOT so much as even kiss another man' i would not do that to you' i swear to you on my babys life that i wont, your the man that i love' and i love you. is it me or does she contradict everything she says all the time? she phoned me when she got home after a few drinks last night and again told me that she loved me, we had a chat for half an hour an then she told me that she was very proud of me, when i asked what she was proud about' she said that she knows that this time im changing' unlike last time when i just got drunk everyday, she said that she knows ive been sobar since she left, and that she blieves in me that im not crying wolf this time and that i am changing and that she was proud. .... just one question' do you think if i just carry on with what im doing, and just sort of go with the flow of things, that she will end up coming home' even though she says she wont? she is coming round here on tuesday for the day so thats my time to impress i think, with a tidy well presented home for her to think about comin back to. she even admited yesterday that she is gutted her family are comin back off holiday tomorrow as they are dead bossy towards her and make her do loads of chores, at one point she said, you know how much you love me and want me to come home, and you know i love you and want to be home but i just cant do it. so i think she does miss bein home! she is still ringing me about 10 times a day now as i have our son, and she keeps on asking me how i am. im just so confused and happy and sad' and emotional and positive' but negative all at the same time, what are your thoughts on everything, please let me know! and thank you for reading this...
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A
female
reader, aprice1  +, writes (11 February 2010):
 I understand where you're coming from because I am in a somewhat similar situation--just give her time and space--make sure you work very hard to meet her demands, if she loves you enough, which I know she does, she will come back--have faith!
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A
male
reader, Gray +, writes (11 February 2010):
Gray is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk, can sombody please PLEASE reply to this post, i will fill you in as best i can on whats been going on .... yesterday was the best and the worst day so far! i went to see her and our son, and she told me that she IS going to move into a flat or house were she is now, and that she is NOT coming home' and does NOT want a relationship with but, she just wants to be friends, i got upset! but then' i asked her, are you saying' never ever, or are you saying' never say never? and she replied with... Never say never! She told me that there is still something very much worth fighting for, but that it would take a long time' and that i would have to completely change!! I left her with a smile, to think that there was some sort of chance, even though 2 days before' she had told me on the phone, that she will NEVER get back with me ever again' and that i will never hold her in my arms again :( , I still left her with a smile' as i new it was at least an improvement on what had happend the day before. so anyway, i get home an hour after seeing them and she rings me to check i got home safely, she asked me to go onto the internet and if i could look for something for her on google, heres the shocker!! When i was typing what she wanted me to look for'' just for no reason at all, she turned round and said to me ... Babe ... and i said ... what? ..... and she said ... I Love you!!! :O so i just calmly said it back to her. I was in total shock! it was only 2 hours before when i seen her that i asked her, do you still love me' and she told me that its hard to explain, she told me that she had lots of love for me, but she didnt think the love was the sort of love that there should be in a relationship!! and then she phones me up and says' that she loves me? just out the blue like that! im so confused!! In the mornin time before i seen them' i took everyones advice' which was to not let her see that your too botherd about the split, make her chase me, instead of the ball always being in her court, so i did! i told her that i was going to have to move on' and get over her, and she went crazy to me on the phone. Everyone are still telling me that she will be home eventualy, and that she changes her mind about everythin quiker than the wind, 1 minute you can never have your son overnight ever again, the next minute' you can have him twice a week overnight! 1 minute she doesnt know if she loves you properly, the next minute' I love you. They have all told me to just carry on with what im doing' and they are sure that even though she is adiment that she is never coming home again, they are sure she will change her mind about that too. I just dont know what to think anymore? we have arranged that we are going to spend the day at our house (now my house) on tuesday' and go shopping in town. I have also just got a job working for an agency' and im still sober!! Im going to transform our home into a palace' before she comes here, and make our sons bedroom look fantastic in the hope that it will tempt her to reconsider things, what are your views on what she is thinking' and whats going through her mind right now? Also 1 more thing i forgot to mention... you know she is living with her mum and dad, but they are on holiday right now, but im not allowed into there house, well yesterday when i seen them it was at her parents house' were im not allowed to be, when her parents phoned her while i was there' she told me to 'SHHH' like it was a secret, when i got home and spoke to her on the phone' she told me that she was going to ask me to stay the night .... so i could spend time with our son' was the reason she used! she is still contuing to phone me day and night' infact, i just got off the phone to her, but we are just talking friendly about life' and what we are upto today. Please please PLEASE' give me all your views and oppinions on what is happening' and what might be going through her head? i know there are lots of positive things, and things have moved realy fast in the last 2 weeks since we split' maybe im just blind and stupid' to not see what is right infront of me, i dont know? all i know is im confused, happy, but sad' and in bad need of some adice. Thank you for taking the time to read this post. If you havent already, then please take time to read everything from start to finish' so that you can see the progress thats been made, and the negatives of the situation im unfortunatly facing. Thanks again.
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A
male
reader, Gray +, writes (8 February 2010):
Gray is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am proving to her that im changing, i have a job interview on thursday' i have been put in for my driving test, and i have been sober since she left! but now she has just removed me from her friends list on facebook, and changed her relationship status. yesterday she told me' that she does love me, she wants me to change, and that she's not sayin we will never be together ever ever ever EVER again, becuase she doesnt know how she will feel in 6 months or a year. her saying that to me gave me the little light i needed at the end of the tunnel, a tiny bit of hope that were not going to be apart forever and that determination boost to change and to prove it. but each day things are just getting progressivly worse. my step father is a very blunt and cold hearted man' who will just tell you like it is, he has had 3 differnt wives' has got 5 kids, and is alot more wiser than me on the relationship side of things, and yesterday he told me' that he strongly believes that she will come home! my mum keeps tellin me that if she realy wanted you to be over then she would not call you 3 or 4 sumtimes 5 times a day' but when i see her on facebook saying that she is looking for a house for her and our son, when she removes me from her freinds list so i cant see her on facebook, and changes her relationship status' and is still adiment that we will not be together again for a very long time if ever, it realy takes it out of me and takes away any faith and hope i have left of bringing my family home :( she also told me on the fone to not mention are private relationship and anything thats going on to any of my friends' as she does not want them to give me false hope of her coming home. my family believe that she said that so they dont encourage me to meet someone else and to forget about her, but im not so sure? i would slit my own throat and write ''i love you'' in my own blood for her and our son, but each day that passes i feel like im losing them more and more and that things between us are getting worse. i realy dont know what to do anymore as im losing all faith an strength in this situation.
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A
female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (7 February 2010):
 If you want my opinion, you are deluding yourself if you think there is any long term future so long as try to woo her back INSTEAD of fixing the issues that made her leave in the first place.
It might be hard, scary, ugly, whatever to face them, ... but face them, tackle them, conquer them you must if you do not want to keep ending up in this position either with your current ex or any future one's, .. and yes, I do believe there will be future ones if you keep by passing the main problem here.
It seems to me tho, that you don't want to face it, so there is not a lot more that can be said. You know what you need to do, ...so do it, or dont! You know where both roads lead! Choose your journey!
I pray you take the one that will hold you in the best stead for a happy future. xxxxx
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A
male
reader, Gray +, writes (7 February 2010):
Gray is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk, so i just wanted to update you on whats happening, and desperatley want to know your opinions. i was suposed to be spending the day with my son today, but he hasnt been well at all. so i got a phone call off the girl of my dreams this morning at 8.20am telling me that if i wanted i could go down there and see him for an hour. so i got dressed an left straight away. when i got there it was HARD! i seen my son, and me and my partner (ex) talked a lot about us. she told me how unwell i looked and that i have to eat something, she gave me 3 good and positive things about us today, (i think so anyway. but she also gave me a lot of bad, so here it is . . what i think is good .... she told me that she does love me, i asked her if she wanted me to change' and she said 'yes' and she told me we just have to take small steps at a time' she said we may be able to get back on track, she said that shes not sayin were not going to be together ever ever ever EVER again, maybe somwere down the line and that knowone can predict how she will feel in 6 months time. Now heres the bad .... she told me that we will never be together again, and that she is never coming to live back here with me in this house, or area. she told me that I AM going to lose this house and that she will give me 1 month from today to find somewere to live before she tells the authorities and they stop paying my rent. she also said that she can almost gauruntee' that we will still not be together at the end of the year. when i said id love to kiss her right now, she did say that i could kiss her on the cheek if i wanted 'which i did' and she gave me a hug and told me she would ring me later on. i just got home 10 minutes ago, and the phone rang, it was her' she asked me how i was, and how i was feeling, and how i felt about losing the house. i told her i was sad about the house, but i was feeling very positive and optimistic about us, she didnt realy reply to that! i did notice tho' that she still had her engagement ring on her finger' and that she still hasnt changed her relationship status on facebook' even though she is telling me all these bad things. i seen her trying to hide her finger aswel as she thought i might have noticed but i didnt let her know that i had. could she have simply forgotten to take it off? did she leave it there on purpose as a sign? or do you think she took it off after i left as she realised that she hadnt already done it? i asked her if we could spend pancake day together as we cant spend valentines together and i started to cry, she said '' awwww, your realy tring arnt you'' and i said yes, i hae to for my family. after all of that she is still adiment that she is never coming back, and that we will not be together for a very very long time' if not ever, but i cant help feel that there may be a chance for us after the other things that she said. could she be saying these things to me' so that i dont just sit here crying all the time and waiting for her to ring, to try and get me to get over her and start a new life quicker, or do you think the good things she has said are genuine? please let me no your views and opinions on this matter as im terribly confused and upset, but at the same time' im confused and feeling positive. my emotions are all over ther place and i feel like im being tortured both physicaly and mentaly. please help me!! thank you.
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A
male
reader, Gray +, writes (5 February 2010):
Gray is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyou see, i just dont understand! i messaged her earlier on facebook (like i do all day everyday) saying... will you come out on monday with me and our son? and she replied to me saying... **Hey, yeah' ill go with you on monday :)** she put a smiley face. so i replied saying that it will be dead good for us and that im looking forward to it, and she replied * yeah' im looking forward to it aswel x * she put a kiss to me, so i just said that i hope her and our son feel better soon' because ther not feeling too good, and her next reply didnt have a kiss, simply just *thank you* so i made a comment and said' take it that kiss was a mistake then' and she replied with *yea sorry it was :(* . with a sad face. . hope your following all of this . . . so then i replied to her saying that it was meen but i was joking around and that if she didnt put a kiss to me on the next message that i was going to pull her pants down in public and point at her (just joking with her) and she said *im going to bed ina sec'ill ring you in the mornin ok .... X * ..... sorry about all of that, hard to explain a conversation, but i just dont get it as today she was sayin that were over for good' and that she is never comin home, but yet she is bein realy nice to me tonight' joking with me' an sayin that she will come out with me and our son on monday, even putting a kiss on my last message! can somebody please tell me' if im just reading to much into things, or if things may not be as bad as they seem? because im very confused right now, and feel happy as i think weve made progress, but sad because im not sure if its just me thinking into things too much. HELP! thank you
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male
reader, Gray +, writes (5 February 2010):
Gray is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for your kind and wise advice. it has helped me a lot. as a woman what do you think is going on in her mind, everytime she calls and we come to say goodbye i always say' i love you' and she just says' ill ring you later 'bye' i understand that her telling me that we can go on days out together is a very good and positive thing, but at the same time she is telling me to look for a flat somewhere, or somewere else i can live becuase she says she is going to tell the authorities an then we will lose our lovely 2 bedroomed house with a garden. i told her i wanted to say sumthing about us, and she told me to say it, but i was reluctant to say it because i new the answer, i told her i didnt want to say it' and she told me to 'just say it' so i did. its our sons birthday on 29th may, almost 4 months away, and i asked her to give me until then to prove that i deserve them and another chance, to get a job and a car and clean my act up' and she said that i was expecting her to put her life on hold' to wait for me to change, im sorry about this post, please ignore it, im just absolutely devostated and cant bare to spend 1 more night away from them, knowing its going to be months' years, even never is torturing me inside both physicaly and mentaly. thank you for all the help and advice you have given me so far, you have help me a lot.
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female
reader, Not My Name +, writes (5 February 2010):
I am just gunna tell it like it is, and hopefully you will see the positve possibilities without having sunshine blown up your arse that may cause you to rest on your laurels!
Admitting the problems are the first step in solving them, ..so pat yourself on the back for that. Often it takes hitting rock bottom to do that, so you no doubt feel like utter shite at the mo, ..but hey, at least there is only one direction left to go and that is back up right? Only if you really want to tho - and it will take effort on your behalf, it will be hard, it wont be handed to you on a platter, and it wont be a quick fix either, ...especially not because part of your healing will mean getting in touch with what caused your self destructive bahaviour in the first place, ...ouch huh?, ... but confront it, deal with it, and then it will stop hurting you and inspiring you to look for quick fix's like getting drunk. They are not even really fixes tho are they,... not when you have crossed in to getting yourself in more trouble because of it. It is not just AA you need, ..but perhaps an anger management course, as well as speaking to your welfare office about programs you may be entitled to attend or have subsidised to get you some counselling, medication if need be, as well as working towards geting back in the job market. Do this if you want to stop being the boy who cried wolf (as she put it) and become the man who climbed a mountain!
Bottom line, no one can promise you will get your family back on a full time basis, ..but what is in your favour atm is that despite her declarations, she is still attached and cares about you or she would not be calling to check on your welfare so often, would not be telling you she loves you, nor letting you know that social days out as a family are not a possibility. Don't under estimate her resolve tho - my ex and I split for very different reasons (no substance abuse or violence whatsoever) and to be honest, I was hoping when I walked out the door that it would kick his arse in to gear to finally listen to what I had been trying to get him to address for years, ... but he dilly dallied, delayed, and in the mean time I got swept off my feet and he has not got a look in anymore. That may have been different if he acted sooner - so don;t delay, time is paramount here before she gets too used to a life without you as a daily feature. Think of her and your child tho, and don't even try to get them back unless you are ready to man up and be an enhancement to their lives rather than burden, ..if you love them, you will stop at nothing to be the best you that is possible - for them and for you!
Dont wait for her to tell you to change or verbalize wanting you to change - OF COURSE SHE WANTS THAT - Your asking her for a foot in the door again instead of doing anything to deserve even a toe in, ... but what you need to do is take some personal responsibility and choice for your own self! Do it for you, for what you stand to gain, coz you want it, and coz it is within you to find yourself desving enough and giving enough to not be the mess that you are right now. That is how you get her to view things diff, how you get her to reconsider, ....make yourself appelaing - not pleading! Stop telling yourself it is 'too late' too, ... it is never too late, but you actually have to get off your butt and start to act on it. No one ever finished a marathon without taking the first step, .. so unless you got a star trek style beam me up scotty teleporter stashed inthe cupboad, don;t delude yourself that there is any other way forward but by one step at a time. Don't think about the finish line either, it may seem daunting and too far from where you are to possibly reach, .. just focus on today, what you can do today, and one step at a time. Keep plugging away, one step for one day, focus on that, and before you know it you will have walked a mile and hardly noticed.
Don't think about harming yourself either, ...that is the opposite of what you want to achieve. You can't be with your woman and child if you are not here, ..and as far as my beliefs and experience goes (I can see, feel, talk to, and pass info on from dead people that get's confirmed as accurate) destroying a physical body will not cause the spiritual self to cease to exist. Therefore, not only will you have all these burdens (still), you will add to them 10 fold when you see and feel the additional pain that is inflicted on loved one's when someone opts out mistakingly thinking the show is over. You don't want to make your situation even more painful for either yourself or others! And again, ..if you begin feeling that way inclined, pick up your phone and call someone, ..a friend, family, help line, ..whatever will get you through the moment. I know you have not indicated you are at this point, ..but I just wanted to throw that in since you have been in the past.
I dont know what else to add to try to kick you in to gear, ... it is up to you now, ..but helping hands are out there if you are willing to seek them and take them.
Best Wishes xxxxx
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A
male
reader, Gray +, writes (5 February 2010):
Gray is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have spoken to her this morning and its just getting worse and worse, she said .... that she is never coming home' she has put up with this for far too long, she hates me more than she loves me, and that if i want to prove to her and our son, and to fight for them, then im just going to be fighting a losing battle, because she will never be with me and put herself or our son through this again! she said that its about time i realised that we are over, that we are now single, and that she is not coming home, she said that she would give me time to find somwere else to live before she tells the housing benifit people and we lose this house, but that she is doing that and that she is going to get herself and our son a flat. she said that even if i change, and get a car and a job' that she will never come home again, and that i have made her lose self confidence, confidence in all men, and that she doesnt want to be with anybody at all, not me not anybody! im finding all this too hard to cope with, the last we split' 18 months ago, i tried to take my own life. i took an overdose on tablets and was rushed to hospital. we split becuase i hit her when i was drunk in a nightclub infront of all of her friends, but it wasnt the first time, i had hit her once before in the tummy when she was pregnant with our son. that was when i had realy bad drink issues and mental problems, and i treated her so badly for a long time, but we got back together in the end, and we had another 18 months together until last week. all the stuff i did to her and now all the stuff thats gone on in the last week is strongly making me believe that this it it now forever! she phones me about 3' maybe 4 times each day to see how i am, she admitted to me on the phone 20 minutes ago that she loves me, and she has said that we can still be friends, and take our son on days out together. she said that its like the boy who cried wolf, and maybe this time i am going to change' and am serious about getting my act together, but its just too late! i am so determined' beyond belief to prove to her and my son that the mistakes that ive made recently are going to be the last. but eachday gets harder and harder, and eachday hope gets slimmer and slimmer, im losing the will to carry on with this fight, if she could just tell me that she wants me to change, or that she needs me to change or even that there was a bit of hope for us then it would be so easy for me to achive the goals i have set because i would no that the fight is worth fighting, but she even told me before that there is zero hope for us, she has minus zero feelings for me, and that there just is no light at the end of the tunnel. Can any women out there please tell me' why she phones me every morning at 8.30 am, to see if im alright, why she still contacts me on facebook and why she wants us to go on days out together with our son. people are telling me that it will be ok' in the end, and that she does care otherwise she just wouldnt contact me at all. and she wouldnt want to go anywere with me. but there not the ones who speak to her on the phone and can hear the words she says, and the honesty in her voice. Please help me through this, and try an point out some positieness in this situation. Thanx
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reader, Gray +, writes (4 February 2010):
Gray is verified as being by the original poster of the questionher family are in her era all the time' telling her to stay away from me. i sent her mum a message on facebook last night explaining that i cant lose my family and that i will fight for them and prove to them that i can be a better person. i didnt get the response i had hoped for :( she messaged me back telling me that im full of empty promises and that she never wants to see me again, and that she hopes her daughter has the strengh to end it with me for good! my partner (ex) hast just phoned me and was actualy civilised with me for the first time in days, she spoke nicely and calmly to me and said she was just ringing up to see how my driving lesson had gone. we chatted for about 15 minutes then we hung up, i said i love you as i put the phone down but she just said bye. luckily for me' her whole family go on holiday on saturday, leaving her and our son alone in there house for a week.
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female
reader, Not My Name +, writes (4 February 2010):
At this point I think you need to give her a little space, and also start attending AA meetings. Whether you think you need them or not, ... You do need to show her you are taking positive action (not talking, not promising, simply just doing) towards ensuring such a situation will not keep re-occuring.
Don;t forget her family know now and will likely be in her ear about this too, which will reinforce her current choice not to return. So, you also need to show her family that you are actively working on correcting this. If you are persistent and consisent in your self help activities, you may be able to either swing them around, or at least get them to lay off opposing a reconcilliation - if they are that is, ...and I suspect they are.
It's beyond time for talking - it's time for action.
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male
reader, Gray +, writes (4 February 2010):
Gray is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso, all of her belongings are still here' all her make up' nearly all her clothes, all my sons toys are here' his own room, his bed' he is sharing a room with my Ex at her parents house' and he is sleeping in a babys cot! her whole life is here and so is my sons. i spoken to her 1 hour ago on the phone and she phoned me to tell me not to txt her as she is going to sleep for a bit. wouldnt she just put her phone on silent? she also said that she does not want to be my friend right now, and when i asked her if we could rewind back to 3 days ago when she was sayin that she loved me and that we could be friends, she said that she was being stupid then, and after everything thats happend she just cant be my friend right now. she has also stopped saying that she loves me. Someone please give me an outsiders point of you in this situation. 1 minute she's ok, the next she hates me. Can you see us getting through all of this? do you think she knows she will be home? do you think she is just punishing me? please help me, im so upset an confused!
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reader, Gray +, writes (4 February 2010):
Gray is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI Got drunk! and the next day she was phoning me all morning and i didnt answer the phone because i was asleep and hungover, she turned up at the house with her family and it was clear that our son had been crying for a while because his eyes were all red, and i hadent heard him because i had too much to drink the night before! I Have screwed up BIGTIME! What sort of daddy does that? we must have split up about 15 times before in our 4 year relationship and she has always came home, the last time we split it was for 3 months and it was very hard but she came home in the end, that was a year and a half ago. for the last year and a half i havent caused any problems to anyone when i have been drunk, but this time i did! now her family HATE me and dont want her to get back with me. i know she still loves me because she told me 3 days ago on the phone, but yesterday she called me and told me that i had ruined her life! And now she is being really funny with me when she calls. she still wants us to be friends, and she has told me that we will still take our son on family days out together, and that she will still come round to our house so i can see our son! everybody keeps telling me that this will all just blow over in time, and that if she realy didnt want anything to do with me anymore, then she would'nt keep phoning me everyday and she wouldnt agree to spend time together as a family going places. Our house is rented, and we recieve housing benifit' and now that she is living at her mums, she would have to cancel our housing benifit if she wanted to get her own place by her mums, which would meen we would lose this house! the other day she told me she was going to do that and i just broke down, not only had i lost my Fiance, son' and everything that meant anything to me, but now she was going to take our home away aswel. after a long talk with her she decided she would not cancel our housing benifit, and we would keep the house going, meaning that she cant apply for her own place' and thus, having to stay at her mums! everyone keeps telling me that maybe she's doing that because she knows very well that she will be home one day, but is just punishing me and trying to teach me that i cant behave this way anymore. That makes sense' but when she says she hates me on the phone and says all the other horrible things' i lose faith in what people are telling me! sorry if ive spoke to much nonsence, im just very confused and im hurting so bad!
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2010): Finally saw your followup...
Uh, where is the problem??? You had a few beers at home when your child was home...?? As in 3-4 beers or did you get drunk ?? It is NOT written anywhere people are supposed to be monks just because they have children. A couple of beers are consumed by parents with children in the home. YOu need to be honest with yourself where you in control of your behavior and actions or were you drunk?? Adults have a "few" beers means only that nothing more. Drunk a home with children and not in control is something else entirely.
YOU SHOULD KNOW THIS ALREADY.
Your "wife" is being an unreasonable witch, It's ok for her to go out and drink with her friends but you stay home and have a couple of beers ??? Right,,,Uh Huh....
You have a screwed up relationship with your wife. It's ok cause she drinks outside the home and you can't have a beer in your own home ?? No wife goes to "mommies house" the night before because "mommie" is having a birthday party the next day,,, Your wife went out drinking THEN went to her "mommies" house and calls you irresponsible ????? WTF Dude your wife is even more screwed up drinking away from home and thinking she is hidding something ?? I don't think so. (the phone was "off" because she and her mom were out getting drunk!)
She needs some real help. And, she's got you thinking you're a bad father for having alchohol at home?
As I said before You know (or should know) the difference between a couple of beers at home and getting drunk.
Your child IS NOT going to "turn into an alcoholic" because you have a couple of beers IN YOUR HOUSE! Your child will however be very screwed up with this disfunctional relationship your wife and you have.
She has a real "I'll do what I want but YOU aren't allowed to" attitude. She sounds like a disfunctional drunk and to cover her behaviors and attitude,, she blames or finds fault with your behavior.
Your compass is totally screwed up and it sounds like your "wifey" is the one you're allowing to screw it up.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2010): ok,, you covered all the emotional trama,,, how about describing what these "mistakes" really are???
Problems can not be addressed until you explain what constitutes "mistake after mistake".
Don't mean to be harsh but you can't receive a good answer without completely explaining the situation.
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female
reader, Not My Name +, writes (2 February 2010):
The only help I could offer you is to tell you to help yourself. Don't just say you will change, ... actually do it (now not later) and let her see that you are actually working on it, (get external help if need be) not just talking about planning to work on it. She has obviously heard that line too often and seen no change for it to hold weight any longer. Your best chance now is just do it!
If your relationship is worth saving to you, you should be spending your time on the internet looking up things to address your mistakes, ...instead you are writing on here about the consequenses of them. Your focus is all wrong, ... you are wanting help becuase she left you, when you should be asking for help to correct the reason she left you - coz that is the only way to any long term future with her.
Perhaps go write another post that explains what it is that you do wrong and people might be able to offer advice or direction to help you address it, ... otherwise, go and look up topics relating to the issues and see if you can find something constructive that will pave a way fwd - if you put it in to action.
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male
reader, Gray +, writes (2 February 2010):
Gray is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlcohol has always been a problem in our relationship. 2 weeks ago she went out for a few drinks with friends and left me in charge of our son, i didnt see the harm in having a few beers myself, but she thought it was irresponsible of me to do that while i was in control of our son. then 1 week later she went to stay at her mums for the night as it was her mums birthday the next day, so i foned her to ask her if i could buy a few beers but her phone was off, so i took it upon myself to buy them anyway. the next day she came home and was very angry at me for doing it again and she left! now she feels that she cant even trust me to mind our own son. i understand that i was out of order and it was wrong of me to do. i have been a fantastic dad for 2 years, but ive just let myself down recently. :(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2010): ok, well what mistake did you make?
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