A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:We have been together nearly 10 years, have had our ups and downs, a few kids but he refuses to get married. He knows it means a lot to me. I don't even want a big do. Just him and me, to commit to each other. The years have just flown by, raising the family but I feel he doesn't want me enough as he won't marry me and feel he's holding out for something better, it makes me so sad.I wish I could dream of us growing old together but I can't. I feel like we are finished if we don't get married and don't know what to do... spend another 10 years hoping and waiting? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Blue Rat  +, writes (26 February 2007):
I agree with the anonymous female poster. Why are you so obsessed with the insitution of marriage? Surely ten years and a family together is a more meaningful demonstration of commitment than a ceremony and a piece of paper? And anyway, who says marriage is some guarantee of happy ever after? Haven't you heard of the thousands - no millions - that end in divorce? Like the anonymous lady, I also know of couples who lived very happily together for many years, eventually got married and soon after split up.
So your partner doesn't want to get married. Maybe he doesn't buy into the whole institution, maybe he's seen too many marriages end unhappily. Who knows. What difference does it make?
You feel like you're finished if you don't get married?? Blimey, I think you're the one who needs the counselling, not him (sorry Fallenman but that's just garbage - he doesn't want to get married so maybe he needs counselling?? Eh???).
Stop trying to live a fairy tale and stop trying to make him conform to your idea of the norm. You sound obsessed about the whole thing and that's never good. If anything you run the risk of dribing him away if you keep on about it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2007): Marriage isn't the be all and end all. Just because he won't marry you doesn't mean he isn't committed or doesn't love you. The fact that you've been together for 10 years and have kids together suggests that he's committed. I know of a few people who have lived together for a long time, got married and then shortly after have split up. It's usually because one person pushed the other into it when they really didn't want to. Is it really that important to you? He might feel just as strongly about not being married as you do have about getting married. Don't think that he doesn't want to marry you. He doesn't want to get married. You need to find out why. Maybe he's seen some unhappy marraiges in his life and doesn't want to end up the same way. It sounds to me like you're not considering his feelings at all.
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A
male
reader, fallenman +, writes (24 February 2007):
 It could be that he fears the commitment of marriage, he may need a bit of counselling if he is willing.
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A
female
reader, nicola79 +, writes (24 February 2007):
 If you feel this way you MUST talk with him,ask why he wont marry you and tell him just that because you have been together this long and not got married before now is no excuse,tell him its a 2 way relationship and if he is happy to be living with you the way you are now then what is the big problem about getting wed?
Ask him if he can see you both being together forever and if he says that he can then tell him you want to way up all the pros and conns about being married,and if you get more pros then I really do think you should do it.
My fingers are crossed sweety,let me know how things go
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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