A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am 49 woman, separated from my husband for a number of years though not in his eyes. In 2000 he gave me std's after 20 years of marriage, the same time this happened i lost my mother and my world fell apart. this actually helped my husband stay in the home because i could not function and have four children. nearly two years now he has not lived with me and i have met a friend who makes me happy and see him once a week. i havent been so happy in years. My husband has no fun about him. all holidays over the years were arranged by me and somehow he always managed to spoil them with his lack of fun. his idea of fun is one saturday afternoon a week at the bingo and lying on the couch watching tv. I have two boys now away at uni and two aged 16 and 17 at school. My friend and I have become very serious and i have to admit i adore him and he me. My worry is if i go ahead and ask my husband for a divorce he may get violent or something. though he never raised his hand to me i am still fearful that he would as he still sees me as his wife and i know when i am at work he comes in the house and routes through my wardrobe and drawers. Also i am concerned how to tell my sons i have a friend, they love their Dad as i have never told then what he done on me or the fact i woke up and realised he has slept with a few women over the years (never mind the humilliaton i felt having to go to a std clinic). my husband doesn't understand the trauma i went through, won't understand it! I do not love him anymore, havent for years. Will i lose my home if i divorce him as well? He says i will even though i bought it after we separated and its in my name, his brother is a law lecturer. I dont want to live the next twenty years in misery as i have the last twenty but i am scared all round. I live in UK
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female
reader, Cateyes  +, writes (12 September 2007):
 Like most have stated, you do need to consult a divorce lawyer, and preferable a female one at that. Stating all your fears to her. However, first, I would change the locks on all my doors as he has no right to be entering the house and you should be able to confirm that with a her as well, however, I do not know all the laws in the UK being that you did buy the house and it's in your name. Since the kids are with you, I do feel no matter what you will have the house, however, if purchased together, you might have to buy out his share. Not sure, but I would verify how that would be. Any other property or cars would be split. If he has any furniture that belongs to him I would also address this with your lawyer to find out the best way to have it removed, meaning should you have a witness with you or a police officer present, only because you mentioned he could become violent. Personally, I do not feel he will...you have been apart for so long and I know he doesn't expect for you to be like this forever, he knows it's coming....and the sooner the better to get started with the paper work and your new life. I am happy for you that you did move on and not let him ruin your life or your new life should I say with your new found friend.
God Bless and Good Luck!!!
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (12 September 2007):
 If you have been living in the house, and he has not, for the past two years with your children who still live at home, you probably have more rights to the family home than he does. You really need to consult a lawyer. You should also consult him about your estranged husbands odd behaviour of showing up while you are absent and rooting through your closets (if you have lived apart for two years - that's just wrong). That is pretty creepy and sends up a lot of red flags to me. I think I would get a legal separation, file for divorce AND get a restraining order to prevent him from entering the family home again. Let all of your family, friends and neighbours know that you are separating and what actions you are taking (Especially if you are worried about him being violent) - and sit your sons down and tell them BEFORE you do. Explain that you no longer love their dad and that they are always going to have him as their dad. You don't have to explain about your new love until you feel comfortable doing so.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (11 September 2007):
 First order of business is to talk to a good divorce lawyer. He can assuage some of your fears immediately. Then sit your kids down and just tell them straight out that you are divorcing because you no longer love their Dad. You don't have to give details. They may get upset but they will come around with time. Get moving on this, you deserve some happiness.
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