A
female
age
36-40,
*axmi bharath
writes:Hi..I got married in the month of November but not yet had sex with my husband. I love my husband a lot but when it comes to sex when he inserts his finger I feel very painful and stop doing further. He desperately want to have sex with me but im very scared because I cant bear the pain. Due to this we always have misunderstandings also and im very shy to ask someone about this. Can i really have sex with my husband??
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female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (12 September 2009):
 My friend had this same problem years ago, vaginismus, and the doctor prescribed muscle relaxers for her.
After the first time using the muscle relaxers, they had sex without pain, and she got over the fear that was causing her muscles to clamp down. They actually didn't need to use the pills the next time, which reassured her that she was fine!
They married and have been together 30 years, so I'm pretty sure that the visit to the Doctor helped!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2009):
Sex is quite difficult the first time, for lots of reasons. Maybe you need to take the pressure of yourself - though i realise after ten months of marriage, you both might be getting a bit frustrated. But, relax! it will happen soon enough. How about focussing on more fun first -instead of forcing yourself to have full sex? Try some more foreplay - that doesnt have to end in sex, because if you are already nervous or anxious, no amount of foreplay is going to relax you enough to move further. If his fingers hurt just now, assuming you are still a virgin, work on getting yourself comfortable with him touching you before you think about sex. There’s lots you can do to enjoy being intimate with each other, that doesnt necessarily involve going ‘all the way’. If its still only your first sexual experiences with each other (or anyone for that matter) you need to learn to trust your husband physically and that will take a great deal of pressure of. You may need to break your hymen still - but it does not have to be a painful experience; if you take it slowly and go at your own pace.
Remember to keep extra lubricated - artificially (KY Jelly etc) works, yes, but your own lubrication is definitely best - because it means you are naturally aroused (what you really need to be). Try intercourse when you are getting close to orgasm as this will be when you are most relaxed and 'flexible'; dont attempt it to soon - it might make you more apprehensive and set you back further if it doesnt work immediately. And dont forget the importance of your clitoris - explore positions where you or your husband can continue to stimulate it whilst he enters you (it really helps) :-)
Most importantly - you shouldnt need to just accept pain or too much discomfort. If you continue to experience pain, even after your attempts, then you should maybe consider the possibilty that you could have a really common condition called vaginismus. There's a really supportive site dedicated to helping women and their partners *self treat* it - so dont worry, its not a medical 'illness' per se. It can be treated, without invasive surgery or doctors visits:
http://www.vaginismus-awareness-network.org
Even if you don't suffer from it, its worth checking out this site!
I hope this isn't causing you and your husband too many misunderstandings and that you can rely on him for support whilst you work on things. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, luckystars88  +, writes (9 September 2009):
Before I had sex the first time it hurt like crazy too. Foreplay is defiantly important to get you stimulated and for your nerves down there to be ready for it, you'll defiantly want to make sure your very very well lubricated at first too. But after 4 years of sleeping with my now husband fingers still hurt worse than intercourse. I have no idea why bcz the size difference is pretty obvious, but a womans sex organs can eventually adjust to who her partner is. yes the first few times will be painful. but if it doesnt fit or its too much to handle there are medical solutions to that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2009): you realy should ask for help. talk to a doctor. they can help you surgicaly, if the pain is so unbearable to you, but it's really not that bad, when you are stimulated enough before intercourse.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2009): my wife of 27 years has the same problem..after 2 years she had an operation, and then two more after that..we haven't had sex for at least 23 years...your condition is called " painful sex"..google it and SEE YOUR DOCTOR.. it's most likely a are form of cystitis, as my wife and thousands of other women have it...no cure..be prepared for your husband to have affairs or let him have uncommitted sex with other women..OR perhaps you can be cured..but see a doctor / gynaecologist
good luck..sorry just saw this site.will register later.
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A
female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (9 September 2009):
 You know what? I just realized you are a virgin.
Is that why you feel pain? I apologize, as I completely overlooked this possibility. I have a nine year-old daughter and my virginity seems like it was forever ago.
Yes... You can have sex with your husband. Yes... The first time or two it will hurt (less so the second time).
The longer you put it off, the worse it will become because you build the fear up in your mind. It's best to move past it as quickly as you can.
Women have endured this pain and survived for centuries and your pain is probably no different than anyone else's. It will be worth the increased emotional and physical imtimacy with your husband and you will learn to enjoy it.
Having said that, have an open discussion with your husband. Let him know that you wish to put this behind you both and have a long and wonderful life together as a happy and loving couple. Tell him that you would appreciate his help in overcomng the fear and the pain.
Tell him you would like to engage in full intercourse, but ask him if he would be as gentle with you as he can be and would he be prepared to stop part of the way through, if it is too difficult for you to bring him to bring him to orgasm in the first attempt. You can help him acheive orgasm in other ways until you are fully ready.
If you try a second time within a fews days after the first attempt, it will be much easier.
Good Luck, and again, I apologize for not thinking my initial advice through.
:-)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2009): its definitely possible,bt u need to communicate with ur husband so that he can understand where u coming from.u need foreplay so ur body can lubricate itself u also need to be totaly relaxed when u try it again that will loosen up ur mussles n it wil b less painful.also try to get another lubrication like ky jel or sumthn.set the mood n consumate ur marriage girl it wil take alot of the normal pressures of bein married of u guys.i hope that helps.good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2009): First of all, ask him to NOT use his finger. He cannot judge the amount of pressure that you are feeling, hence the pain you feel.You should be fully stimulated and lubricated before he inserts his penis, this is called foreplay. He should be stroking and applying pressure to the clitoris for some time before attempting insertion. When he does attempt, he should simply apply gentle pressure and allow your vagina to slowly accept, do not allow him to force his way in. After insertion, the vagina will acclimate to the size and shape of his penis and it should be a comfortable experience.
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A
female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (9 September 2009):
Sometimes life hands us uncomfortable circumstances, but you have to roll with the punches.Book a doctor's appointment and deal with the problem. One appointment asking questions that make you uncomfortable may open up a world of happiness and greater emotional and physical intimacy with your husband. Your husband can help by being with you while you see the doctor. Perhaps you can even arrange beforehand to have him ask some of the questions you do not wish to ask yourself.In the very least, he will see that you consider his happiness important enough to seek the aid of a professional and that may help, in the meantime, to reduce some of the marital tension.Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2009): You should make a visit to your doctor's to rule out any physical problems.
I am assuming, since you didn't say...that you are a virgin? If this is the case, it may be your hymen that is causing the pain....it could also be your husbands fingers...does he keep his nail trim and free of hangnails?
See your doctor, they would best be able to help you.
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