A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My partner and I have been together for three and a half years, and have been living together for one and a half of those years. We've recently both been feeling quite trapped (he more so than I, admittedly), so we've decided to try out an open relationship in order to try and get a little freedom back. I am not opposed to this idea at all, as long as we're both as honest as we can be. Previous to the open relationship (after several fairly traumatic months), we were in a bad place- fighting, he was being quite nasty to me in general, never wanting to see me. Since the decision, we're almost back to how we were in the beginning- happy, having fun together, kissing, touching, having sex again. It's been so nice because it felt like he didn't love me anymore, and now we're feeling so much better towards each other.However, I do have a problem with one person he is interested in.When we were exclusive, she lacked respect for the fact that we were a couple. She would touch him inappropriately in front of me. She would message him constantly, flirt with him, and get moody with me for generally existing. At one stage, they sent messages to each other which weren't really appropriate for an exclusive relationship that I ended up viewing (incidentally, it was this discovery that caused us to talk about an open relationship, as we both admitted how we were feeling). I know that he's interested in her to some extent- he has said he likes her, but I'm his priority, and he loves me.But I know he wants to spend time with her in that way, and I'm not 100% comfortable with it. It's only her that bothers me, because she has already shown such fundamental lack of respect for boundaries, and is unlikely to accept that I'm his priority if he gets involved because she wants him to herself. I don't want to stop him outright, lest we go back to fighting and arguing, and our relationship dissolves completely. I don't want it, and neither does he, and we've both said that we would like our relationship to one day become exclusive again, once we've had time to explore other people and learn to appreciate each other better.So my question is- how do I go about explaining to him that I'm not comfortable with this one girl? Are there any possible ways I can allow him to see her without feeling upset and jealous? I don't want to seem like the open relationship idea isn't working for me, because it is, and I'm afraid of seeming silly to him. I might note that there is someone I know whom he has stated he's not happy with me being with at any point, but that was a given due to past history, so it's not just me wanting to put a limit on someone. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2010): FloridaCatGirl asked what we did to resolve the situation- I spoke to him, and I expressed my feelings. I did confess to feeling mildly jealous, as they are very close friends. I know that my feelings of jealousy are rooted in fear of her "overtaking" my position as well as fear of abandonment, and we talked about that. He has reassured me that he has no intention of finding a replacement for me, and that he will hold back with her indefinitely, until he can either be sure she will respect our boundaries, or I am ok with her entirely. We have also both spoken to her now about our relationship and its importance, and how we have boundaries which she needs to respect. We're not sure that she can respect it just yet though, hence why he's holding back, and not spending as much time with her. I know people have concerns he may just be manipulating the situation- I don't believe he is currently, however, I will make sure I do everything I can to make sure he isn't able to do that with me, and if he does, I will think seriously about whether the relationship is worth it.
Jilly- It's nice to know that you don't mean to seem hostile. I think part of my taking it that way was my own insecurity at the time of reading it, so I apologise if I seemed like I was brushing your advice off. I do appreciate direct approaches, and I don't enjoy things being sugar coated, but I don't think I explained enough in my original post, which has caused misunderstandings and that is my fault, so I'm sorry for confusion.
I posted because in my previous open relationship, I was never uncomfortable with any of my boyfriends's other activities, and I didn't know how to go about talking about that uncomfortable feeling, as I'd never experienced it before. It has been a new feeling for me, as I'm not really the jealous type (which I believe was the cause of my uncomfortable feelings). I care very much for my boyfriend, and I believe he does care for me, and we are happy with the choice we have made. I appreciate the well wishes very much and will definitely bear in mind all that has been said here.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2010): To the original poster of the question,
Yes, communicating via the internet can be misunderstood, and I'm sorry you feel I have been somewhat hostile towards you, which is not the case, just that my approach is one from logic and facts, and from my own training in counselling. All counsellors have their own individual approach, and mine is direct. Nevertheless, I am sorry you feel the way you do.
After reading this additional reply from you, and see you have had an OPEN relationship before, you are obviously quite aware of what it means, could mean, which wasn't indicated in your original posting. My answers, NOT giving the ' Oh sweetie, honey type reply, as though it's a girly chat...I was actually providing facts of what happens in the majority of cases of open relationships.
I have to say, I wonder why you posted, as it seems you are completely familiar with open relationships, and not someone as I initially thought who might have been coerced into this.
Whatever it is YOUR happy with, then I wish you well, and once again I'm sorry you felt my direct approach was hostile.
Jilly
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A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl  +, writes (26 November 2010):
 You mentioned in your update that you and your boyfriend talked about your concerns and worked things out. Would you mind sharing that with us? I'm not trying to judge you, I'm only curious to hear what you two decided to do. :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2010): In this situation you need to have firm rules as to how to go about things and I think that if either partner is unhappy about something it should be respected, end of story. Otherwise resentments will start to arise, which it seems have done already. Discuss again how you see this open relationship working. Some couple can manage it but a lot can't or wouldn't want to. Be wary of what may be the outcome - at some stage one of you falling in love with someone else.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2010): In response to Jilly:
Yes, I am the OP, I just don't know how to go about having it verified? Oh well. You seem to have taken quite a dislike to me, and I'm not sure why (that is, your comments so far have come across as pretty hostile, though the internet makes it harder to tell). I have merely expressed a problem, and your advice, while noted and appreciated, hasn't been particularly friendly or easy to relate to. I'm not thinking I have the upper hand, just that you seem to have taken my situation as me being exceptionally unaware of what an open relationship entails. I am aware, I have had one before and though it ended, it ended amicably. I know it's hard work to keep them going, but we will see where it goes. If it works, then it works, and if it ends, then it ends.
Anyway, I ended up talking to him about it all, and we sorted it completely. I appreciate the answers, I did read through them all, and now the boyfriend and I are totally sorted and I'm happy with the decision made. So that's an update on the situation. Thank you for the comments everyone.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2010): I have just read the reply presumably from the original poster in response to 'Quirky Lady' this young lady (OP)is either really, really naive, I guess at 18-21 one might be, but she does seem to be under the impression, that SHE is in control of this situation with her boyfriend.
And I suspect whatever WE advise she will think she has the upper hand, as in ' TALKING about things if they get too romantic' that SHE will always come FIRST.
1. When someone falls-in-love, becomes romantically involved ( highly likely) there is NO question of discussing it calmly over a Stabucks or relaxing at home discussing it over dinner..this is a very dangerous and naive game to play.
2. She is NOT being put first, otherwise he would NEVER have suggested this, NOR would he allowed this particular female all over him when supposedly there relationship was exclusive - it wasn't exclusive then or now. To be No:1 you RULE out any physical or emotional contact with another person apart from your partner.
Not sure how she's going to feel when he has a HOT date, and is going to hop into bed with some female and she's NOT got a date for the night, and this will happen. What is she going to say to him, Oh don't go, put me first...and IF she thinks YES to that, then what is the point of having an open relationship, open means single, and having casual sex.
The problem with all this, is that both parties will be on a high at different times, NEW sex with someone can be intoxicating, but I guess as long as she can handle he may prefer sex with someone more frequently or IF at all with her, then each to their own.
As for " it's more to do with knowing that we are together as a choice, rather than because we are forced to be. If we have the option of others, but choose each other, then we are choosing to be together, and we seem to appreciate each other so much more this way, which we are both happy with."
KNOWING your together out of CHOICE - but that is just it, your NOT together out of choice, you're choosing others, and you don't see that. No loving couple chooses to date others or bed them, just to prove their not being forced together, it really is bizarre. It's a ' Friends with benefits ' arrangement, but under the same roof!
Soon567 echos the sentiments of MOST men too!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2010): I have just read the reply presumably from the original poster in response to 'Quirky Lady' this young lady (OP)is either really, really naive, I guess at 18-21 one might be, but she does seem to be under the impression, that SHE is in control of this situation with her boyfriend.
And I suspect whatever WE advise she will think she has the upper hand, as in ' TALKING about things if they get too romantic' that SHE will always come FIRST.
1. When someone falls-in-love, becomes romantically involved ( highly likely) there is NO question of discussing it calmly over a Stabucks or relaxing at home discussing it over dinner..this is a very dangerous and naive game to play.
2. She is NOT being put first, otherwise he would NEVER have suggested this, NOR would he allowed this particular female all over him when supposedly there relationship was exclusive - it wasn't exclusive then or now. To be No:1 you RULE out any physical or emotional contact with another person apart from your partner.
Not sure how she's going to feel when he has a HOT date, and is going to hop into bed with some female and she's NOT got a date for the night, and this will happen. What is she going to say to him, Oh don't go, put me first...and IF she thinks YES to that, then what is the point of having an open relationship, open means single, and having casual sex.
The problem with all this, is that both parties will be on a high at different times, NEW sex with someone can be intoxicating, but I guess as long as she can handle he may prefer sex with someone more frequently or IF at all with her, then each to their own.
As for " it's more to do with knowing that we are together as a choice, rather than because we are forced to be. If we have the option of others, but choose each other, then we are choosing to be together, and we seem to appreciate each other so much more this way, which we are both happy with."
KNOWING your together out of CHOICE - but that is just it, your NOT together out of choice, you're choosing others, and you don't see that. No loving couple chooses to date others or bed them, just to prove their not being forced together, it really is bizarre. It's a ' Friends with benefits ' arrangement, but under the same roof!
Soon567 echos the sentiments of MOST men too!!
Jilly
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2010): Stopping him outright is the only way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2010): In response to QuirkLady:
I'll be fair to him, whilst we were exclusive, he was always faithful to me, and he is a trustworthy person. He has never cheated, and those messages were the only thing he had ever done that weren't appropriate, but they couldn't be considered cheating. Prior to that, he had been asking her to back off (I know this as I witnessed it on several occasions) and she wasn't paying much attention. They've been friends for a while, and he has this problem with hurting people- he's always trying to protect feelings. He tells me the messages were partly as a result of not wanting to upset her (she's easily upset when she likes people and doesn't get her own way), and partly as a result of the trapped feeling. I've seen them all, we've talked about it extensively, and I have come to understand why it happened on his part.
As for our actual relationship, I know I need to talk to him about it, but it's more of a case of how to bring up the subject with him.
It's not that I don't think he will end it if I ask, it's more that I want to be comfortable with it and be fair to him, and I don't know how to start the conversation so that it can be resolved. I think in some ways, I just need the reassurance that she knows that I am not someone that can just be removed, and that our relationship comes first, and then I'll be alright. I just agonise about the way to approach the subject.
We so far have the rule that we do have a say in who we are intimate with, and that if feelings get too romantic towards an outside partner, then we cut that person off, or at least back off until we've reassessed those feelings together. On the whole though, we're not planning on having serious partners on the outside, it's more to do with knowing that we are together as a choice, rather than because we are forced to be. If we have the option of others, but choose each other, then we are choosing to be together, and we seem to appreciate each other so much more this way, which we are both happy with.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2010): it seems like he was interested in her and managed to find a way to be with her and you. You deserve better than someone who minipulates you into this kind of situation
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (26 November 2010):
 I have severe doubts about the future of your polyamorous relationship. Why wasn't he telling her to leave him alone when you two were exclusive? Why wasn't he setting boundaries with her and respecting your relationship?
From what I know, an important part of a polyamorous relationship is that the both the primary and secondary partners know and respect that the primary partner always comes first. He should make it clear that she has to respect you and the fact that you are not going anywhere.
Talk to him about your concerns. Let him know that you are not comfortable, and you want to know if he is going to set boundaries in his relationship with her. Like I said before, I have my doubts since he didn't do it already.
Poly relationships aren't easy, and if you find yourself getting too jealous and he won't end it with her, you may find your relationship over whether you like it or not.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (26 November 2010):
I'm afraid that it seems to me as though having an open relationship means that he has the best of both worlds, where you end up having a part time boyfriend. He has a gf for when he wants, but gets to have sex with whoever he wants as well, all because it keeps HIM happy.
You shouldn't have to resort to having an open relationship in order to have a good relationship. It indicates that things just aren't working, and having the ability to sleep with others doesn't change that. You are young; why get yourself tied up in a situation like this which is never going to be satisfactory? Find someone who wants to be with you for who you are, not with you, but only he can have other women on the side as well. If you think you will want to become exclusive at some point then break up now, and get back together in the future. This open relationship is destined for heartbreak.
Nb. You are NOT being silly. Your feelings are completely natural.
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A
male
reader, soon567 +, writes (26 November 2010):
Ever open relationship I have known about ended. He's going have a really hard time making a wife out of you with those vision of other men doing you. Sometime when you follow a man, he'll lead you down into a hole. Problem with the hole is when those visions of you getting laid by other men. He'll see whore, slut, and many other bad things. He'll leave you in that hole and justify it in his mind. No way would this last past the fantasy that is being played here. She is your least worry.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2010): I understand everyone has different feelings about relationships, but there is ONE fact that all relationships have to have to actually be healthy, grow with trust and respect, and that is 100% commitment!
I'm not sure from what you say, this ' OPEN' casual sex with others is really your idea, more that you have gone along with it. But even IF you haven't and you're as keen as your boyfriend to have ' space ' as you call it, all it means is you are NO longer exclusive to each other, just like when you first meet someone, and you're not sure they are the right person to have that with.
You are NOT his priority, you have, WILL become one of the many women he has casual sex with, except YOU are under the same roof, and he will still get the domestics dealt with, and have someone to come home to ( a bit like a mother ) when he's finished with whoever he's making out with.
I'm being blunt, direct, as I want you to see this as it really is - and WHY would you want to be in a relationship, dating someone if you're going to revert to being basically single again. You can dress it up all you like, fact is you are both going against exclusive one-to-one monogamy which has held society together for centuries, as it provides the most stable platform for both parties.
Also a fact: when these open relationships are mooted, suggested it is by males in the majority, and the females through fear of losing the guy, agree and go along with it.
Once you do, you have NO right to say who or when he sleeps with that is NOT the deal, as in this situation you find yourself in with this girl. She will NOW realize HE's UP for grabs, and trust me, the respect will fly out the window like a tornado..and I'm afraid to say, sorry, about this, but with your guy too. He may come across really cool with this, but somewhere, just even a small part, will tell him, you are happy to sleep with other guys as he's permitted to sleep with other women.
FACT: the small percentage of guys that go on to marry or stay with a girlfriend who does this, is so small, less than 2% - ask any guy on here, and I'm sure they would support that. Couples are either in loving relationships where they work together or not, and you are in the latter category, where you've chosen to have open relationships with others too..it is only a matter of time before one of you have feelings too for someone you hop into bed with, that is normal.
At 18-21 and already you're relationship is in trouble without the ' excitement' of bringing others into it, does not forebode well for the future. It sounds to me, you should be both living in your own homes, SINGLE and dating others, that's what single means, you can date, sleep with whoever and whenever you like without answering to another, and as I say, the day will come, when it's probably YOU who will feel very insecure as he's out more and more with someone and comes home less and less, whilst you keep the home fires burning. If you're BOTH this casual about your relationship, what is the point of it all!
Jilly
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