A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:i have been with my boyfriend for two years and a year ago he had to move back in with his mum due to financial difficulty (he's 39 and his mum's 55). it has been a year from hell! when i first met her i was going round for dinner with him twice a week and when he moved in i started going 4 times. i've always been polite e.g offered to help with the cooking and always washed up after whilst my boyf sat on the couch. we would usually sit with her for 2/3 hours then go to his room for just an hour (rarely for sex) before he'd take me home but then going to his room stopped as he said it was 'not fair on his mum' - this i'lll never understand. when we went to his room we could always hear her outside the room - she would also text him random jokes and shout out 'did u get my message' (i found this very disturbing) it killed the mood every time to the point we both lost interest - i was rarely allowed to stay over and he wasn't allowed round mine due to age dif) about three months from him moving in she would start complain that the plates were still dirty after i washed up and that putting up an extra dinner was too much for her. when i said i would make and bring my own food she said she couldn't afford to have the electric on for the cooker twice a day (i would be driving home from work when they would be eating). 6 months later this resulted with him picking me up after he'd eaten and spending 2 hours in the car, 6 months in the freezing cold, sat in the car night after night.she comes into the store where i work and complains to me that i'm 'his main priority' and that she never sees him(he spends at least 2 hours if not more at home before coming to see me) i'm clearly no longer welcome. he'd have his kids weekends and due to the age difference me being around at the same time just wasn't working out so once every two months he'd spend the weekend with me (very hard to live with but i put up with him and yes it's all been my choice, i've said my views and got upset at time but haven't complained on a regular basis) on the rare weekend we'd spend together his mum would ask if she could come out with us- not that she was bothered about going place with him any other weekend and it got to the point when he told her he needed quality time with me. it's been real strain on both of us, he never stood up for himself because he wants a quiet life. a year on he is finally viewing a flat next week and we will hopefully be settled in before xmas. i was gutted when we said he would be going to view 'our flat' on his own as his mum wants to come and if i go he would have to take her! i couldn't believe it, i said well 'she's not moving in, it;s our place and our fresh start - he can't seem to get my point. she told him that we will both be welcome to come round to see her when he moves out as it will be different then. i told him he is welcome to go round on his own whilst i stay at home and he said 'no we're doing family things together, let's wipe the slate and move on from all this'. i am livid - nearly a year of spending time and having sex in the frezzing car and now i'm 'welcome'. he can carry on but i will not be going round - am i really that selfish?
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female
reader, Battista +, writes (26 November 2010):
I'm afraid this relationship seems doomed from the start to me and I am at a complete loss as to why you are still with this guy.
I would also point out some things though
1)He moves into his mum's house, he lives by her rules, no matter how old he is. It must seem quite obvious that when you two "go to his room" it would be for some sort of sexual activity. Can you get any less subtle? I would argue no. Anyway, she probably doesn't want that sort of thing going on in her house. Hearing people having sex is always awkward, and to hear your own son, well....not good is it. And, it's her house, so sadly she gets to make the rules.
2) Him moving back in probably was costing his mother money. You coming round adds to that. This combined with the fact that for whatever reason she doesn't like you makes it quite clear that she will complain about anything. To be honest, I am surprised that you kept going round there.
3) Your bf does seem too attached to his mother, however, he is also very reliant on her, and this changes the relationship dynamic. She has obviously helped him out, and he doesn't want to upset her. When you get your own place you will have to see what happens. I am a bit surprised by the fact that she has to go and look at the flat, but it is up to HIM to sort that out.
4)Why have you been sitting in a freezing car? Can you not go to pubs, or libraries, or cafes?
5)The fact that your parents don't want him in the house also says quite a lot to me, and in fact this goes back to the first point, their house, their rules. You can have this attitude when you are paying rent on your own flat too. I do think you will need to make amends with the mother though, as she is a big part of his life. That is the mature thing to do anyway, not to keep dragging this out. Take the moral high ground if you can. She is obviously insecure, but you can't do anything about that.
I have to say though, I am really bemused as to why, at your age, you have got tied up with someone who has so much baggage.
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