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writes: we r indians who got arranged marriage.in our culture girls parents should giv all house hold items and gold to the pair.my parents did't do the household.This created a ego problem with my husband,parents and my parents.i asked my husband to giv up for me but he did't,still tells its my parents fault and does't speak to them properly.then he asked them to give $12000,they told will give when we go to india.whose fault is it anyway.because of this i'm frustrated and fight with him.his mom lies a lot and creates problem but he does't belive me.he tells only i should respect his parents but he does't need to respect mine.please help me.i always loose my temper Reply to this Question
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reader, zahir  +, writes (12 December 2008):
Hi I do understand what your going through. Unfortunately in most countries in the east who get married have certain cultures they have followed for centuries. If one family gives and the other doesnt it is seen as a insult and unfortunately seen as a very greedy thing to do. I'll give you a example: I got married recently in Pakistan. Im from London and a year a go i met a girl from distant relation. My parents wanted me to settle down and so after talking to her i decided she was the right one. after meeting her family i was pleased to know she wasnt some old fashioned backward thinker. Her mum has masters in maths and my wife was studying medical. Anyhow we did the nikkah last year and i bought her a diamond ring. On our nikkah ceromany i gave her the ring. at that moment while hundereds of guests watched and cameras rolling i suddenly thought wheres my ring. Now its normal to think like this because normally the wifes parents also pull out a ring but anyhow ignored the thought and enjoyed the function. Now as we completed the nikkah i had to head back to England as the rest of the ceromanies to complete the marriage were planned 6 months later. soon as the nikkah finished alot of people asked my parents in the village and me what they gave me but we brushed these questions off. I thought it was probably a mishap and hoped for the best. so few months ago we had back to pakistan to complete the marriage. Now before i continue let me say im more british and really dont follow most cultures and customs in my culture due to my upbringing. Im family orientated but have a independent mind and dont tend to fall in to the emotional decision making which most asian family use to politicize certain matters which in result can alter relationships on one another. I Will say my parents before leaving Uk spent money in buying clothers for the bride and put in alot of effort running arround in uk to find the best stuff. I went once and got bored. However when arriving in Pakistan i out of my pocket bought a gold set which i would give her on barrat day and my parents spent over 18000 pounds on gold to give as gifts as well as 50 outfits with accessories, bags, shoes and god knows what else. They were so pleased i decided to arrange marriage and been the first son they lavishly spent. Come the functions they spent hell of alot on the presentation, food, workers, butlers, maids,security, transport, food, halls, markes, etc etc, bear in mind we had over 1000 guests and served breakfast, lunch and dinner for over 400 people for 7 days who where closest to us. Your prob thinking im exaggerating but trust im being modest so far. The reason why im explain all this is because all this plays a role when some parents start to react differently due to some peoples intentiional ignorance.Now when came the big days my wife was thrilled as much as i and enjoyed our selves and i stayed with her 5 weeks as well the honeymoon and now her visa has gone through so she will be in uk in 3 weeks. unfortuntly there are problems, firstly her parents did not fulfill their end and in matter of fact my parents where disappointed as much as i. In our culture the wifes side gives houshold goods, furniture, gold etc etc, but really the furniture was ok but instead of giving what they were supposed only gave few items, the house goods, none, Gold so minimum its laughable, even in the funtios they cut cost where ever they could. I understand most people in these countries are very poor and only can give what they can afford but trust me this family also had backing from their cousins in america who we found out gave them 15000 pounds for the wedding. Id say they prob spent 4000 of that and kept the rest. I wasnt aware what really happens in the wedding except that they would take me to shopping and buy me ring. hehe the shopping was laughable any i didnt like anything there so in the end they gave me 400 pounds. THe whole village afterwards was joking and kept asking so its quite insulting and esp for my parents.You being a indian fully understand how people take such matters very seriously because of our culture. I was upset of why her parents were so greedy and conniving as well as dishonest. They are not so poor but they probably thought well this famly is from uk and as they have a business, well lets cut-cost and send the girl away and easy as that. laughable, I personally found most people back their very selfish and i do understand due to the poverty people their tend to behave like this. after seeing my sister and mum shop 1 month non-stop and then in return no appreciation and greediness, and the insult in front of the whole family, well that for most parents is hard to swallow. My parent told me of their regret as im sure you have heard the saying to ''judge a girl look at the mother'' well this theory still exists and i could understand the tension of my parents. I didnt disrespect her parents nor did i really make an extra effort in my stay their to really bond with them. I wasnt rude and went to all the dinners and showed respect. I kind of did let my wife know that there was disappoi ment in certain areas but really didnt go in deep with her. My parents dont really say much now but did when i was in pakistan twice. Anyhow its not my wives fault but her parents. End of day like my mum said as long as your happy and the wedding went well its cool. oh of course as long as i was happy and loved my wife. Now my advise to you is dont listen to some morons who dont understand our culture and start using their arrogance and ignorance but what i will say is, if you 2 are happy together work on it. If his perception of your parents is not good then ask your parents to make more of a effort in doing things that make him happy. some times if one is doing something wrong its best the other do it right eventually the wrong one realizes. You didnt mention that you to dont get on or fight so i take it you both prob get on but obviously his parents prob dont like the book they judged by the cover. They probably didnt read it all and decided they had seen enough to judge your parents. Look you said his parents lie allot but i would like to say well their original problem started with your parents not fulfilling their duty which in asian wedding its a priority and needs to be fulfilled. other wise its leaves a nasty taste of distrust in people. I think if everyone sat together and spoke openly then maybe this could open some positive dialogue.Even then his parents by now should of got over this and kept the relationship at respect at least. Obviously they feel insulted and cannot forgive. Some times not everyone can stand morally high and forgive and forget. Me i know i need to respect them but in my heart i will always know they are a bit sly and think more for them selves then others. I like this position as it gives me advantage and more power. I suppose your husband is a bit of a mummy and daddy boy and really he should show respect as in our culture respecting elders is a fundamental element we should not break from. Right 0r wrong elders are elders. They can be told but not frowned out or insulted. In the end as long as you both are happy keep trying one day he will swallow his pride and can think openely and positively. lastly if his mum still instigates then be nicer to her, your probably thinking im nuts but trust me she one day well think, im so nasty but in return she is so wonderful to me. End of the day every problem as a solution,To find a solution be Strategic
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2008): enjoy life and divorce your husband......trust me thats the best way.....if he does'nt like your parents then he has got no self respect.
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reader, bonnismiles +, writes (27 August 2006):
 i think that he is not been loved him self when he was young has no respect for anything or anyone if i was you try and talk to him if he doesnt listen try counselling hopefully that will work mind family are there forever men come and go
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