A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi people,I'm not from on English speaking country so I hope this is still readable.For the last 8 years I have been in a relationship with a woman who hides me from her friends and family.I do see her brother or sister sometimes but I wonder if even they know there is more to us then friends.On the internet she claims to be single and yes also to other men.She spend a few nights with a friend (who had a crush on her) without telling me about it and told me like she always does (when I find out) that nothing happened.When she is with her parents or sister she does not pick up the phone and I doubt she is actually there sometimes.We have a son who is my everything the only light there is left in my life as I lost all hope and am so tired of everything it’s hard to pull myself up and live my life.When he was born she changed from the sweetest person I have ever known to somebody who like I said keeps me hidden from people she knows, gets angry about everything and would blame me if the sky would fall down.I once did the dishes (like I always do) and she got mad at me because I put the glasses in the wrong place.They were like ¼ of an inch off.Just to give an example.So now I have a list in my head and that list is long of things not to do and I’m afraid to do everything wrong so but doing nothing is also wrong.We do not live together because of many reasons and when move them out of the way other reasons come up and the last one I got is something I cannot do anything about as she said God told her no.The only time she lets me touch her is when she drinks and then only for a few minutes and doesn’t do anything but just allow it to happen.I decided to give up sex as I do not want it this way.I am not allowed to walk next to her or hold her hand and that makes me feel like she is ashamed of me.As far as I know I’m not bad looking.We broke up a few times but that never lasted longer than 2 weeks.I guess in some way she does not want me out of her life but cannot stand to be with me at the same time.It’s not about money as to test this out I almost gave her nothing anymore.The only times I can drop by is in the weekends and never a surprise visit.I do not have a key to her house and have been sleeping on the floor for years.I had to buy a pillow etc because she would not give me anything.Not allowed to leave anything behind so people would know a man was or is in the house.My son suffers because he loves us both and misses his father as I sometimes don’t see him for weeks at a time.She sometimes yells at him for such a long time I cannot control myself and say something so she will start to yell at me just to save him from it.By now I tried everything and she cannot give me a reason why she does all this.She claims to understand how I feel but is not willing to change a thing.She hates life and want to die.Her past is full of drama with a long list of sexual abuse to being beaten so badly she ended up in the hospital for weeks.I’m a loyal guy and live to help others so if she wanted it I would give up my life for her .She never and I mean never does anything for me except drinking so I can touch her for a few minutes.All this has been going on for years and all that time I have been hurting.She does not want to talk and if she does she just yells and blames me even for stuff I did not even do.Her brother does something and I get it.I guess she must hate me more than anything.I was not allowed to recognize my son so on paper his father is unknown.She told me that if I go to court and fight for my rights I would never see him again and should watch my back when I am outside.My friend who works with people who suffer from borderline disorder claims she is one of them.I suggested seeking help but she refuses it so I went alone and again got told she must suffer from borderline disorder.I have been reading about it for a while and tried almost everything I could find but I keep failing.There is nothing I can do I guess and this is not even a question.I just need to get this of my chest and maybe somewhere someone recognizes this behavior and could tell me I am not just doing everything wrong and I’m not to blame for all of this.And yes I do make mistakes and there are things I did or will do wrong but never intentionally.All I wanted out of life is what most take for granted.I just wanted a family of my own and that’s all I ever wanted but while so many people out there have it and wish for bigger things for me it’s something I will never have.For those who know what pain is, the pain that leaves scars on your soul I wish you all better days and a better tomorrow.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do not know if she will be happier without me but I know she longs for the good old times. Hanging out with her friends etc. She does not realise that she can do that now but people got older and moved on. They have a family of their own. I do feel that she feels that I ground her in the weekends because I will be there. Not that I don't want to do things with her but because I am a secret she does not want to be seen with me. No vacations nothing. Since the beginning of this year I only have been with them 4 times. When I am there my son keeps asking me when I am leaving because he does not want me to go.
Hmmff I guess I have to let her go but fear what will happen to her. I know that should not be my problem but still. Anyways I think I know this has to be done. Sure isn't easy.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (8 March 2012):
 OP you are a good guy, and I believe that there is a circle of life, today you are in a bad place but tomorrow things will change, they have to. That's the law of nature. If you feel that your girlfriend will be happier without you, then let go off her, but ask her to allow you to at least be able to have a role in your child's life. Let her do what she wants, you can in no way stop her, she is an adult and can make her own decisions even if that means she is making the wrong ones.
At the same time, please never stop caring for yourself and loving yourself, because unless you care for yourself, no one else will. Its good to be there for others and its good to be the nice guy, but you are an individual too, you have an identity, don't let it get lost in the maze of the myriad roles that you have assumed. Do something that makes YOU happy, instead of always thinking about everyone around you. You deserve happiness too. You are already the best friend/lover, unfortunately things did not turn out the way you wanted them to, but that doesnt mean you did something wrong. That's the way of life. Dont listen to people who say that being nice gets you into a mess, that's not true. Goodness always pays. Always.
In answer to your question "I can not understand that a religious person can act this way", religious views have nothing to do with a personal actions. Hitler was religious, need we say more about him? Your girlfriend acts the way she does because she chooses to.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTried to talk about it on the phone today because I'm not allowed to come over this weekend and told her I knew she was telling a guy she was single and about sleeping on the floor, not kissing etc
Well she did not hang up this time or started to yell at me.
She changed the topic and ignored it all.
New to me.
I can not understand that a religious person can act this way.
I guess by saying nothing she confirms what I just told her.
This relationship is coming to an end.
Maybe I should be glad and maybe someday in the future I will be.
Even though I lost my faith a long time ago it does not mean I do not hope he is really out there and just for this one time lets his light shine on me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question"You have been with this woman for 8 years, how on earth did you manage to continue?!"The answer to that is that I come from a broken home and was raised by my mother and sister. I have seen what men can do and told myself I will never ever become one of them.When I give my love it is forever or at least till she leaves me (and then I still love her till it slowly fades away over the years).I'm the guy who takes in everything he reads about what woman hate and try to be the best friend/lover I can be.Do not leave the toiletseat up, don't watch sports, be a good listener etc.People who know me say I'm too nice and that is what gets me into this mess.I'm the boy next door all woman come to when they are in need for a good talk or a shoulder to cry on.I dunno.When it comes down to her then yes I care about her and I do not want a messy legal battle.For all the pain she causes there is still love for her in me.Because of her past I fail to be able to blame her.I want her to enjoy her life again and would never want to take our son away from her as long as he is in no danger.If it means saying goodbye for her to feel any better then I will.I guess one of my problems is that I stopped caring about myself because I lost hope of things ever getting any better.My ex cheated on me with multiple guys and and left me just before we were about to get married.Same stuff different relationship.Guess there are a few wires in my head that are not connected right.I do not feel sorry for myself because I make my own decisions and don't want others to feel sorry for me.There is one thing I will always be proud of.I can look into the mirror and say hey I'm a good person and I treated them right.Nobody can take that away from me.Again thank you for your replies as normally I do all the listening.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (7 March 2012):
You have been with this woman for 8 years, how on earth did you manage to continue?! You are just a dirty secret, tucked away at the back of the closet. This woman has major issues, she is depressed, this is not normal behavior. It seems to me that the birth of your son triggered off the domino effect. Is she a good mother? She seems to want to blame you for everything, and the more you keep quiet, the more it triggers her reactions. She's just treating you like her punching bag, yet she cannot do without you.
Somehow her past seems to have caught up with her, more so after the birth of the baby. Unfortunately there are too many issues with her and she needs help, professional help. Words from you mean nothing to her, she will just not act upon them and push you away even further.
On a different note, why do you assume that her parents hate your guts? Why don't you try to talk to them about her, not in an accusatory way of course, but with genuine concern, like the way you have told us here? I'm sure they will understand, no matter how much you think they hate you, they probably don't. And while it is normal to have kids out of wedlock, it is also natural that parents would want their daughter to be with the father of the baby, and unless the father is a horrible person/ a criminal/ a serial cheater/ an alcoholic, I'm sure the parents wouldn't have anything much against the guy. They will not show you the door, they will listen to you if they are at all sensible.
"Why do I always fall for the ones with major problems"? Because you feel that you can change the person for the better, but you have to realize that some things are not in your hands. It is beyond the capability of you or me to change a disturbed person, that is the reason why there are professionals. Even here at Dear Cupid we are forbidden from allowing questions to be posted that are beyond our scope of help. There is only so much a well meaning person can do.
Anyway, all you can do now is talk to her parents and try and get her to seek professional help. Sure you can go the legal way and demand to have your rights met, but I'm guessing by the tone of your post that you would rather have things amicably mended than have a long drawn messy legal battle.
I have to say you really are a good guy for going through so much, yet still being considerate for the other person.
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A
female
reader, Starlights  +, writes (7 March 2012):
 She wont find out about this site because you wrote anonymous and unless you have a shared computer its against the odds so dont worry :)
This lady has to change for herself you cant help her change. She needs to recognise she has a problem and want to change.
If your highly sensitive then you need to keep away from abusive relationships, and just be there for your son :)
Goodluck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the replies.I have never joined anything like this before and am scared she will find out about it.I'm happy to hear I am not going crazy and it is not all my fault.As far as I know all the people she knows and especially all the ones I do not know must think I am a very bad person.I'm pretty sure her parents hate my guts and that keeps me from getting in touch with them to talk about her problems as all I want to do is help her and she would listen to her parents.After all these years they would think I am nuts and would show me the door(I think).If they would listen I'm sure they would tell her and I doubt I would survive that.It is ok to have a child outside of marriage and there is no shame in it at least not in this country.The sympathy points part never popped into my mind and gives me something to think about.I was looking for reasons that are far worse.Why do I always fall for the ones with major problems.I guess it's because I am a highly sensitive person (so my shrink said) and want to help them.Thank you again for reading my story.For people to not doubt me telling the truth, how crazy this all might sound, is worth more to me then you will ever know.
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A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (7 March 2012):
This woman clearly has severe mental trauma's and issues caused by her past.
She has a bullyish mentality and is suffering from low self esteem.
Its not your fault she is the way she is, and unless she wants to change by getting help for herself there is not much you can do about her behavior.
Your relationship with her is not even a relationship.
She hides you away like a dirty secret. She does not show you affection. She is a bully.
She does not love you, she is abusive to you like her ex partners were abusive to her.
She gets to make all the rules and you and your son have to listen to her, or or hell breaks loose;
-Dear this is not healthy for you.
You do have legal rights to your son, a DNA test and proof of your visits (or when you see him) is enough for you to see your son more regularly (unless she can prove to the court your an unfit father which you clearly are not)
your son has the right to both parents, and the court can recognise that. She cannot stop you seeing your son.
Its your legal right if you wish to take it to court. You dont even have to have anything more to do with her unless it regards your son.
Do not stay in this relationship or your happiness is wrecked.
Life's too short and do not be afraid for what she tells you, your not a bad person, but you shouldnt have to deal with her abuse of you, THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE!
If you want to see your son legally you have every right.
See a lawyer.
Hope this helps!
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A
female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (7 March 2012):
 Hi there. I am sorry for your pain. No-one can answer why she does what she does. One thing I am not certain of is the cultural differences you might have in your country. Is it wrong to have a child outside of marriage? Could there be shame there on her part? Is there a way you can arrange a joint custody parenting thing with her? Can you do DNA testing and confirm the child is yours and then go for parental custody at least partial? Your son's health is at stake here. I read from your post that you are at your wits end but I would encourage you to be strong to fight for your son's future.
I do believe the woman is suffering from some kind of traumatic abuse syndrome where she doesn't feel good enough to be loved by you or anyone else and that is what is driving her to push you away. It's not you, your looks, your money, etc. It is all her. She needs help but she must get it. As for keeping you a secret, what is going on there culturally? She's keeping you at bay most likely because it gets her sympathy points for being on her own.
If you didn't have your son, I'd say leave her. But you have your son so find a way to get some kind of custodial rights and leave her but take him with you. You don't deserve to be treated like this. If the custody thing is insurmountable, I still think you need to distance yourself from her and only be involved in her life for the sake of your son. Move on and find someone new who can also provide some support to you and perhaps some additional parenting for your son.
All the best.
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