A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend comes out with nasty comments when we argue, by saying things such as " you're the bane of my life " and sometimes i ask if he is cheating on me ( i say it out of anger ) and he says " no, but i wish i was ". He calls me a b***h sometimes too and uses the f word a lot. And he tells me to leave him alone and speak to him the next day when we argue, either that , or he goes silent on me for a few days. He ahs also said recently that he gets sick of me texting him a lot during the day ( i am unemployed, and so was he up until last week, but not he is working from home on a trial for his friend's company, and if he does well on the trial, he might be able to work in his friend's office next year ). He said that if he has a good income with that job, we could get a place together, but i'll believe that when i see it. I even got jealous of him having the job at first, as i would like a job like that myself, and i get sick of employers saying that they need people with previous experience. My boyfriend works as a recruiter for a computer game company. He has had lots of experience with the games, whereas i haven't had any experience with them.I worry about him starting work in the office incase he meets another woman there too, and he told me that he will be glad when he gets the job as he wont have to be at my beck and call. I have different views on me texting him. I dont think a boyfriend should ever complain about his girlfriend texting him, and should always be happy to hear from her, but in a way, i can see how it could get on his nerves. He never used to mind though. We had an arguement last night, and a little bit today, and he told me he would speak to me tomorrow, when he has calmed down. We already haven't spoken much for the last three days. I don't know whetehr to try and fix things with him tomorrow, or tell him it isnt working, or play him at his own game and ignore him tomorrow ( he has ignored me over the last few days ). What do you think ?. It seems like we have a love hate relationship, as we get on well when we see each other. We have rarely argued in person. We seem to argue more when we don't see each other. I do feel like i am having a breakdown with having no job though and with arguing with him. I dont have much confidence.
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female
reader, adamantine  +, writes (5 November 2011):
 I suggest you re-consider where this relationship is heading. If someone loves you and cares for you, as they should if they are your boyfriend, they won't call you names and ignore you and only speak to you when it's convenient for them.
You also can't be jealous of him for getting a job, because that's going to grow into resentment. You should be happy for him that he's finally getting somewhere, and that should in turn inspire you to keep up your search as well.
My partner and I rarely fight, and if we do, I know that it's usually me who starts it. Sometimes my frustration overflows and I take it out on him, without meaning to. I am working on it and I never call my boyfriend names or ask him stupid questions. I always apologise because I know it's me in the wrong. We always try to resolve our problems and issues before going to sleep that night, because then both of us can't sleep and it just isn't healthy.
A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (4 November 2011):
 Your next move should be to say goodbye, and never look back. You are in a toxic relationship and its not a good place to be. These type of relationships can often become violent, even deadly. Get out now and save yourself alot of hurt and grief. Just because you love someone doesn't mean that they love you back or love you in the right way. Sometimes you just have to look out for yourself and know when to walk away. I hope you have the courage and the strength to know when to go.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2011): Do you even know how to begin to "fix" things? I dont' think you do, because your relationship sounds very toxic all around.
when he says those awful personally-attacking things to you, it can only mean one of two things in my mind: (a) he really doesn't care for you. People don't say these things to people they love and respect. that means he doesn't love and respect you. He's just with you for other reasons like he's too lazy to break up or too afraid to be alone. (b) he doesn't have the ability to be a good relationship partner to anyone, if he feels it's OK to say stuff like this.
you also are doing some things that are destructive to a relationship. You need to stop texting him so much. YOu said "I dont think a boyfriend should ever complain about his girlfriend texting him, and should always be happy to hear from her, "...ok this is wrong. If you really feel this way, then you are not ready to be in a relationship with anyone either. What you're saying is you don't want to live in the real world, you want a fantasy relationship where your lives revolve around each other. This isn't healthy, and you're also showing a lack of respect for your partner if you really feel that you should trump everything else in his life all the time. You could end up suffocating and smothering your partner with your unrealistic expectations. Then they won't want to be with you anymore.
I think you should move on and find someone who would treat you better, and then you must learn to not demand that you be the center of their attention.
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (4 November 2011):
 Leave! This is not a normal relationship. Move on and be happy.
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