A
female
age
51-59,
*amg0846
writes:In 2004, I met the most handsome man while still in college. We were both older students (in our thirties)who felt that fate had brought us together. We dated for a couple of months, but broke up before we graduated. We lost touch with each other because he is in the Air Force, but I found out that he was stationed in Guam and emailed him. A couple of months later, we met for a rendevous in D.C. He also visited me for Christmas and now although he is stationed in Afghanistan, he wants me to meet him in Buenos Aires. We share a very, very strong magnetism that is creates fiery, passionate moments when we're together. Neither of us can forget about the other. Although he admits to feeling a strong connection to me, he tells me that he is not ready to settle down. I am confused because when we are together, he acts like he is so into me. He has written in letters that I am the first woman to make him think of coming home. I am 38 yrs. old and have never been married. I feel so strongly about this man that I find it hard to open my heart to anyone else. What should I do? Should I not go to South America for another rendevous and just forget him, or should I see where this goes?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2007): Well, honey, I think you have found a guy that you have great sexual chemistry with, and he with you....does that make for a long term thing, maybe not.....the biggest problem I see with your relationship is that it is practiced on distant continents....to a guy, this is called a long distance booty call....and you are it.
Nothing to feel bad about here, sex for sex's sake is OK between consenting ADULTS, but if you are wanting a deeper connection, then I think you may need to look elsewhere as he has pretty much told you that is not what he wants, i.e., he does not want to settle down, this translates into he is screwing other women, ok? So should you meet up for another rendevous? That is totally up to you and your hormones my dear. And just so you know, I don't believe in fate, I don't believe fate brings two people together and has anything to do with the outcome of a relationship....he is talking and saying things to you to keep you sexually interested, but pay attention to his actions, if he does not back it up with some future plan for a relationship, or some committment, then there is nothing to what he is saying except a form of mental masturbation.....sorry to be so harsh, but you asked what we here on agony aunts think, and I can tell you , I have been around the block a few times myself.
If you really think you love him, then take your power back and make him work to have access to you, don't be all over him like a bunch of gnats on a tomato, give him something to work for, be elusive, hesitant, and hard to get, and see if he works at the relationship, and if he does, hold out for some form of committment on his part...I realize this is difficult to do from afar, but not impossible.....good luck to you my sweet. By the way, I would not recommend playing hard to get in to get in the beginning, but I am understanding that you all have been intimate, have revealed you feelings, and you are not getting what you expected from that result, it is time to take it up a notch, and let him know you will not wait around for him.....
A
female
reader, Carina  +, writes (26 June 2007):
 I would see where it goes. Although you've known him a while you haven't spent a lot of time together. It would be a huge step for him to settle down and change his career direction, so you're going to have to be patient, although I know how difficult that is.
If fate meant you to meet and fate means you to be together, then it will happen, but you won't be able to force anything. Try to enjoy the relationship for what it is now. Have fun with it and enjoy the connection, but keep your own life as the number one priority and meet other people so that you don't become too dependent or obsessed with this guy.
At worst you might be able to remain friends and spend short times together, and at best he might make a decision to settle down.
Having said all that, if you really think this is an all or nothing situation for you then you have to decide whether or not and how long you can cope if it never develops further. Only you can decide. One possibility is to give yourself a deadline of a year from now and be prepared to end it then if necessary. I hope this helps a bit.
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