A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:So I've got my girlfriend, whom I'll have been dating 5 months on the 10th. I really really want to have a real relationship with substance and communication and love. She desires the same. From an objective standpoint, we're really good together. In fact, one of my close female friends even said that this girl is the only one they think "fits" me, even out of all of the girls I've been interested in beforehand. But a lot of the time, we find it hard to talk so we end up making out and getting really feely almost every time.I've brought this up because it worries me, she had also noticed it and is worried her as well. We're both really attached to each other and we both desperately want it to work out.I really want to have soul searching conversations where we get really intimate and share with each other and become closer. But instead, I find myself Googling "Questions to get to know someone" and ticking them off.Don't get me wrong, we can have A LOT of (nonsexual) fun together if we're out doing something. But I still want to connect on that deeper level. Someone please help me? I'll answer any questions that might help you answer mine :) Thanks in advance. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2012): Talking about things is nice and all, but talking alone doesn't bring two people to the kind of understanding you seek.To connect with another person, you need to talk about the things you both like. What do you like to do? What are your plans for the future? What are your hobbies? What subjects fascinate you and why? Once you get to know some facts about one another and how you feel about these facts, you are beginning to establish a deeper connection.Once you have matured and gained more life experience, you will understand that establishing deeper connections often have little to do with conversation. Once you have more life experience, you will meet someone and be unexplainably drawn to one another. You will feel a deeper connection...Please understand, what you seek is not intellectual, but truely emotional. You have to let yourself feel to experience it. Don't be anxious. Don't worry about being awkward.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 July 2012):
 So many times we just sit and watch tv together (cuddled but watching tv)…. We don’t have these DEEP conversations … we did at the very beginning but now we kind of know what the dance between the two of us is so it’s not necessary.. more often it’s “what’s for dinner?” or “did you pay the xyz bill?” or “do you want to go see a movie?”
Very few deep philosophical conversations are being held at our house…
I think the fact that you find NOTHING to talk about and resort to sexual behavior is a concern.
So to develop a frame of reference go out and do things… museums, parks, concerts… walks, the mall… etc…
Not sure what deeper level you are looking for….. what do you feel is missing?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2012): It's early days and your still in the honeymoon period so making out is what your gonna do. Just relax and stop worrying about what your not saying to each other, you don't always have to talk.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (6 July 2012):
 If you're frequently running out of things to talk about the issue isn't not connecting on a deeper level. Couples don't spend a lot of time intimately connecting and "soul-searching," they mostly just talk. The way to have more interesting topics is to get more varied interests. Like take some time to listen to BBC news when you'd normally listen to music so you can talk about current events. Read the news. When you'd normally be doing something mindless on the internet, go on Wikipedia and learn stuff. Like that history thing, you heard about but don't know what it is, then click links from within that page, and keep going. It can be very interesting. Then talk about those things.
when you go out, don't just do the normal stuff, go on an adventure. Do something unusual. Try to do one new thing every week (not sexual) so you can keep talking about.
As for having deep conversations, the best way to ignite them is just to change settings. Really. Nighttime is the best time. Go sit in a park and lay in the grass not looking at each other, or go for a nighttime walk, anything where you're naturally not making eye contact and it's dark. Those things are the magic tricks for opening up and getting others to open up.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 July 2012):
 Connect through experience. DO things together. Experience things together. And, experience things APART, so that when you meet you will have much to tell each other.
Study philosophy if you want the soul-searching questions. But really, those things will come by themselves. Start off by doing things together and learn together, grow together.
You are both too young to be doing much of soul searching with each other, I mean you're both still just learning who you are. But you can do this together, you can grow and learn to know your selves as well as each other combined. Just don't forget that you aren't old, you haven't lived and learned it all just yet. You still have a lot of experiences to make before there can really be any "soul deep" conversations to be made. But learn and grow together. That will also bring you closer.
Take up a hobby together, or go to a class together, study a topic at school together, or do an activity together. Learn about each other through doing things together. You often learn a lot more about each other through doing things together, than you would have learned by just talking.
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