A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I were high school sweethearts. I was his first and he lied and said he had a few and I also lied and told him I had 2-3. It was a lot of partners. He has defended my honor in this little town we live in and has never questioned my trust. I sought therapy years ago from being molested as a child. I talked to my therapist and I finally told my husband I had many partners. He seemed ok with it until I had an emotional affair on the internet even though I never touched this guy. I was too embarrassed to tell him everything and I went on and had cam sex once with a toy. My husband quit having sex with me before this because I gained weight and he thought it'd make me lose it and I thought he fell out of love with me and didn't want me anymore. I'm not saying what I did was right, it was so very wrong. I wanted to hear those things from him but he quit saying them. I hadn't planned on doing any of it. He worked offshore at the time and I would talk to this guy on mic and my husband was told to keep an eye on me by someone aynonomous and he asked me and I lied about it. He put spyware on my PC and one night I was drinking while he was offshore and said the most horrible things about him. I didn't know he ever knew and I have blocked out painful memories due to dealing with my past so I still don't remember saying them. Things were good for a few years and he's finally told me about him hearing me and sent me the manuscript of it n I was horrified at the things I said. I talked about the size of his penis and I lied to the guy and said it was small n much more horrible things. We worked past it for a few years or so I thought and it came back and I tried everything to help him. My last resort was giving him permission to go have a one night stand but I did not ever want to hear about it. This was in July of 13'. In Jan of this year, I was on his tablet for the first time ever and I was I guess being nosy but I had a feeling I needed to look around. He had a file with a woman's name on it. I didn't have his pw but I could click on one at a time n it let me view it once. It was Im's they shared and let's just say it's 5 months and I'm still devestated. He has been talking to her since August of 13'. He says he wasn't ever emotionally involved with her and has done nothing inappropriate with her. I have some doubts due to him having motel rooms there which he says he has workers that were working there n just so happen to start work at same time and the job ended around the time I found out. He's spent over a thousand dollars on her and bought her things just because. I never got that and I got for my birthday n holidays plugged items. My heart is broken and even though he's lied about a few things, deep down I do believe him. He told me he hated himself n feels so insecure in the sex department. He's ashamed that he couldn't bring himself to sleep with her. I have been mean to him over the years without realizing it and because of my past I have trouble trusting men. I'm having a very hard time dealing and moving on even though I've done it years ago. He deserves a second chance. This is where it's gets more complicated. I had read an erotic story about a guy whose wife made him try on panyhose n I was turned on by it years ago. Before all of this, I had asked him to try them on and he did and we had fun. Over the years, we had some fun with it but I didn't realize something. He was wanting this fantasy all the time. We got into doing cocaine at this point and I thought it was him wanting it because of the drug. He made me realize it was because it was something I had never did with anyone else. That's very important to him and I didn't even realize it. Well right about the time I found out about her, he had bought some items and it was a few days after I think, my memory is horrible, I helped him dress as a sissy for the first time. I was trying to help him with his past while hurting horribly. Well it was an every night thing plus all the arguing and back and forth so I've asked him to do it every other night and spend some time with me and it's actually less than that now. Msybe twice a week and we have joined a few dating sites and he wants me to flirt on cam and msybe have cam sex while he watches. It took some doing but I'm willing to try it but I'm a very jealous person and I'm trying so hard to overcome it cuz his dressing as a sissy is because I am so jealous n he knows I'd never be able to let him have sex with another woman so he's willing to try and have sex with a man to see if it would help him. His fear is he can't perform or if he can be able to satisfy anyone even though he's an excellent lover with me. It's better than it ever has been and we have had many firsts together but he doesn't think we've grown and learned together and I can't get him to understand that he was my first love so everything we've done, was my first time in a way. We've talked about him watching me with someone else and says it'd turn him on so much. So I finally decided to give it a try and we decided we'd try a tranny so that we could both enjoy him/her. We were getting better until I found charges in that town a month after he stopped seeing her and he said it was a client of his. He lied about it so I started having doubts again and when we aren't good, I don't like doing the fantasy and for him, it helps him escape and I wish it were the same for me. I'm the opposite. He will ask if it's ok if he dresses and even if I'm not ok with it I tell him it is because with my past, I've been very controlling over anything and everything. I feel I couldn't control what happened then but I can control things now and I have a hard time remembering he's not like most Men and I always think the worse so that when it's not as bad as I thought, I'd be ok with it. I know it's bad to think this way. He's finally told me a few days ago why he's been dressing and how he's been trying to get turned on by other men just so we could have this new thing together that we only share. It breaks my heart how unconditionally he loves me because I love him with all that I am but I know there's always a part of me that I can't give to anyone. I have to have some control somehow and it's taken a toll on our marriage. I feel I Always need to control everything. I'm not saying what I did years ago was right but how do I move on and help him through this? We've been together over 30 years and we still love each other very much but how can I help him when I don't know how? Please refrain from the criticizing. I'm really at a loss and I don't deserve him and felt I never was good enough for him. I've looking for a counselor now to try and help me learn coping skills. He's offered to do couples therapy even though he's not sure it would help him in any way. I pray someone has the right answers for me. Please don't judge us. You never know what you'd do for a love so deep. Sorry it's so long but it's complicated.
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affair, flirt, insecure, jealous, move on, one night stand, sex with another, the internet Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses. To a reader that's anonymous, I tried not to put to much info on him only because he's a very private person. Can you tell me why you think I'm clueless? I only touched basis on each part of the whole picture to kind of give you n everyone the history and it's still very long so you really don't have all the info. I really appreciated the answers you all gave. Thanks
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2016): I think that the underlying issues of your inability to trust men in so much that this is the reason behind you not telling him about things that you didn't want him to know? I can't shake off the feelings of self interest that you seem to confuse with trust issues? Ask yourself the impossibly difficult questions of why, why did you refrain from sharing seemingly important details about yourself that you determined were too personal to share with someone you love so deeply? Were the details of yourself too personal, non of his business, withheld to protect him from pain, you just didn't love him enough to confide in him or were the details you left out to keep him from potentially walking away? Then again, was it due to your tragic abuse that left you without the ability to speak of certain personal aspects of yourself?
But i think of you saying that you had a lot, and again said later many partners before him. I don't know what many or a lot of partners equate to, but it's obviously a number greater than you wanted to tell and he wanted to hear. I say this with the mindset of offering you my opinion that you should question your reasons and the fear that surely went into your decision to handle your situation as you chose to. Please don't think I'm being anything other than sincere and my heart goes out to you both as everything I've read tells me that the both of you are very much in love to have stayed together since teens. I will tell you this, he is asking himself about how sincere you are being with him and yourself. The abuse you describe has left you with struggles most will never know. I too was sexually abused from 8 to 13 years of age, and I know the angst and powerlessness that live in your bones. I made many mistakes with relationships that seemed as though I purposefully sabotaged them. I learned the hard way that I was pushing women I loved deeply away from me systematically with issues of control, trust, constant thoughts of being betrayed and made a fool of and the ever present lying to those wonderful, beautiful ladies by omission. When someone gives you their heart, you cannot keep things from them by telling yourself it will only hurt them and they really don't need to know. That is lying! That is being dishonest and that is taking their trust and using it against them because if they know of your abuse, then they are oh so careful in how they deal with you on a lot of issues. They love you and will not press you for much out of their fear of causing you pain when you've already been hurt so bad. That love you take, those considerations they offer, the unblinking trust they put into you because they have no way of knowing that you are capable of hurting them in any way related to sex due to your past abuse. They honestly believe that you are incapable of hurting someone in a sexual way such as by cheating. When you show them different, they will have a lot of trouble being too hard on you and they will more than not give you a pass you do not deserve and you will take that cuz you don't want to lose them and that is not ever ok. I'm reading a lot between the lines here anonymous, forgive me if I'm way off, but I think I'm much closer than you have heard to date from anyone.
I don't know what to say about the cross-dressing and such, you didn't give enough to honestly comment on that and you haven't offered much to gather his perspective in any meaningful way. If you'd care to elaborate on his thoughts and his actions based on real events that aren't coming from your beliefs on how things are but instead based in actuality. My fear is that you aren't anywhere near his feelings, fears and desires in regards to you or anything you've mentioned thus far. I can see the gaps you have left and the things that seem obvious to me, have gotten by you without consideration. You honestly never thought that he wanted to be your first for anything? You were is first for everything, and this wasn't considered for his benefit? You appear to be very confident as to his never straying sexually meaning that you are still his only, why is this? You seem very sincere to me, but you also seem clueless on many things that you really need to work on if you are going to be able to help him as you want to. Counseling is something you should definitely consider. I don't think that it's for everyone, so please be careful with no making him go if he doesn't want to. I think he should if and only if he can gain from opening up to someone about something that will be difficult for a man to do. I say this because you said he worked offshore, that would be the oil and gas industry correct? He is a mans man who is not feminine in any way shape or form correct? He surely hunts, fishes, fights as you indicated, takes protecting his family as his duty and finds honor in sacrificing for you and his family, correct? I'm asking if I'm correct, but I already know I am because I know the type of guy. Alpha male and can be a hard ass except to you. He's surely never raised a hand to you by the way you speak of him and by the way you describe him. There is zero fear of reprisal from him in your words and the tone of your words. You also do not want to lose him, so he must be a good man, a real man. Am I close? If he is crossdressing, and he's doing it for the reasons you say, if he is willing to try a bi-sexual encounter to know sex with someone other than you becuase you can't live with the jealousy of seeing him with another woman, then you really need to reassess what's happening with the two of you. If you have no doubts that homosexuallity is not part of his makeup, then he is desperate to be like his friends, coworkers and in his mind, everyone else. He is wanting to know sex with another human and you two will have to face this and deal with this and sooner rather than later because he will not be able to live with this forever. If he is feeling like you didn't give him the chance to play around by keeping your many sexual partners from him, he won't be able to survive the turmoil that is surely destroying him. You want to help him, please hurry and do what ever you can. I can't imagine the tornado of confusion and angst that he lives with, it has to be unbearable for a man that lives in a world were sexual conquests are a judge of manhood. His wife has a more manly sex life that he will ever know and you have to understand what that is doing to your husband if you have any hopes of helping him...... You can do this, but you won't do it by being as clueless as your question indicates you are. Your heart is in the right place, but everything else is not.........Good luck & God Bless.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (13 May 2016):
 I have to agree and say you both need to go to couples therapy. There are so many emotional and dark issues here between you both. It sounds like you are aware that you are controlling and you know why you do it, it seems you have dealt with some off your issues from your past, but maybe your husband has not dealt with his. You should really go to a few sessions together and a few apart as well and work on you both.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (13 May 2016):
Seek out professional help together. There's isn't any written advice I could possibly to help this situation. There are too many issues to deal with and I don't think either of you understand each other even though you make it sound like you both do. Everything that is happening here is just some cover for some deeper issues you are both suffering.
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