A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:How do I tell my husband I want an abortion. We have three kids together already and frankly, I'm exhausted. I'm a stay at home mom and often find myself being the sole caregiver because he's working. Hes said in the past that hes pro-choice, but opinions can quickly change when it becomes personal. Honestly I fear he'll be passive aggressive towards me after the procedure, as he tends to hold his feelings in and take it out later on. He recently joked that my weight loss was unnecessary and if I kept losing weight he'd get me pregnant again so I'd have to gain weight. We use birth control so its not like he forces me to get pg, but we're not exactly safe every time. I dont want this to change our relationship, but I'm not completely sure how to convey that this is the best choice for all of us. Our kids deserve more and I'm spreading myself very thin already.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2019): I'm the OP. Thank you for your responses as I really respect the different perspectives you have offered.
I dont really believe my mental health should be in question. To further bring light to my situation:
1. I know we have been irresponsible and am very upset with myself for getting pg again. I don't intend to defend myself for that.
2. All of my children are under 4. I live in another country than my family and dont have in-laws. At least not ones that have proved helpful at all. In fact, my father in law lives down the block and only sees the children a couple times a month and believes if he buys the kids something outrageous once in a while, he's being a good grandparent.
3. My husband and I have had some problems communicating. He has problems communicating actually, unless hes angry and then he has no filter. Recently, he went a few weeks without talking to me because he was mad over something I still am not sure of. Then one day he just started talking again and acted like it never happened. I know it seems as though I married the guy, so I should have known what I've gotten myself into. Actually he's changed quite a bit over the last year. He was hardly around after our last baby was born because of work. I just keep imagining myself alone again with a newborn and three other kids. I had a bit of postpartum depression after my last baby because I was alone a lot, he was always cranky, and I was dealing with the loss of my father. Hes not very supportive emotionally.
Hes been very controlling and demanding as well and tends to lose his temper a lot. It was his choice to move here in the first place. In fact he demanded we move or we wouldn't be together after i had our second child. While I was pg with our last, his ex gf sent me screenshots of a conversation between he and her where he talked about their relationship and how he was sorry for letting her and their son down. He talked about how they bring him happiness when things are bad. He sent her old pics of them together. He started getting very sexual in the texts as well. It was all very saddening but I chose to forgive him. Maybe I dont think I've made the right choice anymore because I've been incredibly insecure ever since and my self-esteem has taken a real blow. But that doesn't keep him from being overly distrusting of me, to the point that I don't have friends anymore because he accuses me without any reasoning.
I dont really see how bringing a new life into this family that's barely keeping it together is the best choice. Maybe I want to start anew and maybe it'd be easier if I didnt have a newborn since my children are a little older now.
My life is a mess and I'm very isolated. But I'm also scared of him in a way, and scared of leaving.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (4 April 2019):
 There IS a difference between 3 and 4 children. They DO grow up, but you have many years to go before that. Some women regret an abortion, but many are relieved or understand that they made the right choice for them in that situation. I happen to know 4 women who have had abortions at different ages and only one kind of regrets it - she knows it was right for her, but she wishes she had been able to keep it. The other three are content or at peace with their decisions.
I do not believe that someone exhausted from 3 kids will somehow cope better with a newborn too - neither do I believe those around you will suddenly take the pressure off a bit.
Tell your husband you’re exhausted. Tell him you need more help. Unfortunately, if you carry this foetus until it’s a baby, you can’t change your mind if your husband promises to help and doesn’t. You have to decide if you can trust him to help enough or not.
I feel for you with this decision, but I do not sympathise with the lack of responsibility that led you to this point. Birth control is (clearly) not enough if you definitely do not want any more children.
You struggle to cope with the children you already have, so I can’t see how some would think adding another is the answer - based solely on hope that people will help you, when they haven’t helped you enough with 3 children.
Abortion could blow your marriage apart. Keeping the foetus until it’s a baby could blow the remainder of your sanity apart with the extra exhaustion.
Personally, I think you should see a therapist together and tell him in front of the therapist (let the therapist know first, so you know they aren’t biased), so they can help you both communicate well and hopefully come to a decision.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (3 April 2019):
 This must be a tough place to be in.
I have 3 kids as well (all teens now ) so I feel your exhaustion. However, I think that you REALLY need to have a LONG LONG talk with your husband about what you feel you can handle, what you NEED (more help), (some ME-time), ( Some US-time) and you two do NEED to decide what happens next, together.
Having an abortions is not an easy solution, though temporarily seems "easier" than raising another child or even giving a child up for adoption. But YOU will be the one who has to deal with the guilt, loss and emotions almost ALL by yourself.
I'm not judging you. But I have seen how an abortion tore up a pretty solid marriage before. I have seen having an abortion tore up women before. It IS a shattering experience.
What I DO judge you for, is NOT taking better precautions against another pregnancy. How can you be so nilly-willy (and that goes for your husband as well) about using protection or having your tubes tied, hysterectomy, vasectomy? If you DID/DO NOT want another kid?
My 2nd child was a "surprise" I was on birth-control but unfortunately my doctor didn't inform me that a second type of meds would render the pill rather useless. I almost lost the baby several time over the last 4 months. Thankfully she was a big happy healthy baby at the end. Now she is 16. I can't imagine life without her (and her sisters). I always though just having ONE kid would be the best, I would be able to provide much better and give that child more attention etc. BUT... I can't see myself without ALL my kiddos and step-kiddos. And I REALLY do not consider myself a super maternal woman.
Look at ALL your options, TALK to your husband. (make time for this and have someone watch the kids while you do so you can DO it without interruptions and noise kids around.
I DO believe in pro-choice but I think generally it is a LAST resort kind of thing. Not in lieu of hap-hazardous "birth control" options or LACK there off. BUT you are a GROWN woman. And yes, it IS your body, but that fetus is part of BOTH of you. SO I think TALKING this through with him is something you have to do.
REGARDLESS of what you choose to do, YOU and YOUR husband need to do better with birth-control overall.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (3 April 2019):
 I read your post when it first appeared but I was at a loss of what to say. However, your post haunted me and I was mulling it over before replying. In that time WiseOwlE has said so many things I was thinking.
All I can tell you is that I had a friend who had an abortion because she already had two young children who were only 18 months apart in age and she felt she would not be able to cope with a third. This was some 20 years ago. She went on to have another 2 children a few years later. She has never forgotten aborting her "third child", as she calls the baby, and to this day talks about her decision with regret. I mention this because, being a mother yourself, you know the bond which exists between mother and child. Whatever your "reasons" for terminating this life, I doubt you will ever see it as "the right decision" or "the only decision". I fear you will spend the rest of your life mourning your unborn child and, like my friend, wondering what they would have grown up like.
You sound exhausted and at the end of your tether. Children ARE hard work. However, there are two of you in this relationship and, regardless of your husband working, he should also be helping raise the children so that you can get a little break occasionally. Do you have family or friends who can lend a hand and give you some occasionally "me time"? Do you go out on date nights with your husband so the two of you stay connected or does your life just revolve around the children? Can you afford to get paid help (even if only temporarily)?
Have you been to see your doctor and talked through taking better care of yourself so that you are in a better state to look after your children? If you are under the weather or suffering from any health issues, everything will be so much harder work.
Are you a perfectionist? Do you feel your house needs to be perfectly clean and tidy all the time? Do you run yourself ragged to be the perfect housewife/mother/wife? Perhaps you need to give yourself a bit of slack and realize that some things are not crucial or even important?
I am not judging but do find your "not exactly safe every time" method of contraception a bit strange, given that you didn't want another child. Playing Russian roulette with getting pregnant? What is all that about?
Is there significance to you mentioning that you had been losing weight? Are you upset that all your work to date could be set back by this pregnancy? Does your husband like to keep you overweight (often a "joke" has underlying truths and frictions behind it)?
You need to speak with your husband as quickly as possible so that you can both make a decision on this baby. You also need to see your doctor and make sure you have no health issues which are dragging you down.
Remember, your exhaustion is a temporary state. Your children will not be young for ever. However, abortion, once done, is a permanent decision. Think carefully. I am not saying it is NOT the right decision for you, but you need to think long and hard before taking such a drastic step.
Going forward, PLEASE use more reliable contraception than "not exactly safe every time" otherwise this may not be the last time you are in this position. There are so many methods out there these days that it really cannot be that difficult.
Sending hugs. I hope you are ok.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2019): You should just tell him how you feel. But ultimately, it's your choice. I know that sounds glib and there have been some pretty tedious thinly-veiled anti abortion posts before mine but you should tell him you are shattered. You should tell him you are barely coping. You should tell him you are looking forward to a time without small children-with him.
If he knows you, he will see you haven't taken this decision lightly and that this is a time he should be on your team.
But! You should get some better contraception, and by that I mean he should. Gently tell him that if he wants his seemingly impressive sex life to continue he needs to get a vasectomy. Abortion is an emotional and physical wrench and you really really only want to do it once if you can possibly help it. There's nothing wrong with your mental health--you are doing the right thing for you, your husband, and your children who you'll be able to dedicate more individual unexhausted time to. You alone are the expert on your life. Make the decision as the subject matter expert on your circumstances. Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2019): Talk to your husband and tell him exactly how you feel. Give him the chance to prove your concerns regarding you choice are wrong. You are the one who will be carrying this child while caring for three children. You already know that this pregnancy will add to your exhaustion. Don't let anyone guilt you into having to have another child when you know what this may do to your health, well-being and perhaps finances.
If you make the decision to abort, remember you are not disposing of a child. I don't know how far along you are, but likely you are still in the zygote stage, a mass of as of yet unformed cells. I can't repeat it enough, but don't let anyone guilt you!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2019): Typo correction:
"Like he is so totally dismissive he has no love for her or his own children."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2019): Why haven't you seriously expressed to your husband how tired you are? Perhaps you might get some help? It's not only your child you're carrying, but his too. Abortions are not for convenience. What's to keep you from being tired of all your children? After-all, they're here; and the reason you're tired in the present.
You are speaking through your extreme exhaustion, hormones, and possibly depression.
You haven't effectively-communicated to your husband that you're just carrying far too much on your own with the children. Many other marital-issues, finances, and stress could be pressuring you to consider such an extreme option.
How will an abortion help your marriage?
You don't know how to ask your own husband how to help you raise your children? Okay, say you get the abortion. You still have three more, and you're claiming exhaustion prior to adding another. How do you explain that? What's your decision about the rest of your kids who are exhausting you now?
You seem to be making a lot of presumptions and speculations about what he may say or do. If you've kept this all to yourself; while allowing him to impregnate you, only to leave you to deal with child-rearing and nurturing all by yourself. It's no wonder you're exhausted. Are you married to yourself?
It's just difficult to understand three children in; and you can't communicate with your husband about helping you or seeking some outside help. Like your mother, mother-in-law, a trusted-neighbor, or a close friend. Whom all could give you a hand with your children, and some housework. Every woman with kids I know does that.
Unless you have "super-mom syndrome;" trying to show everybody you don't need help from other women. Then faulting your husband; because of your pride or self-imposed isolation from everyone. Therefore, you blame him for the lack of help. If he refuses, keep-on asking! You don't stop...you keep asking! You demand it!!! Nag and demand until he can't stand it anymore!
This isn't a matter about pro-choice or anti-abortion. It is about a woman who is struggling and pushing herself far beyond her energy-levels to do the best she can for her family. With a husband she can't seem to bring herself to talk to when she needs help. Like he is do totally dismissive he has no love for her or his own children.
Is that the case?
Well, that's what this post is conveying. When we are pushed beyond exhaustion; we all make some very extreme proclamations or decisions. No one can fault you for that.
No one should judge you one-way or the other; we don't know your situation well enough to do that. It would be unfair.
Here's my understanding. You have a hands-off father to your children; who has pushed you to extreme exhaustion. While imposing his views on abortion; you can't ask a sister, neighbor, mother, friend, or mother-in-law for help. He is a stone-cold man who ignores your suffering. Being totally inconsiderate, and not taking any responsibility once his offspring is born. Am I right?
Is the decision truly what you want, or are you suffering such exhaustion and depression that it was the only remedy you could conceive? Is it because your husband makes you feel helpless and you don't know how to connect and communicate what's going on with you? You just assume this and that about him; because you don't really want his opinion, unless it's his approval to abort your child?
It's easy to tell someone with a womb what to do and what not to do about bearing children; when you have testicles. We men can't carry a person in our bodies for 9 months; and then feel and experience the pain and physical stress of birthing a child. Our views don't really much matter in this area. This man is your husband, and father of your children; so this decision really isn't just yours alone.
Seems abortion versus some help is a bit extreme. It would certainly make an effective ultimatum!
I urge you to see your doctor about possible depression and mental and physical-exhaustion before going-forth with a procedure you may regret.
You need to sit with your husband, and tell him about how you feel; and how serious that this matter is. Even that you are considering termination of the pregnancy! In the UK, if you wanted to; I don't believe he can stop you. However, he can certainly build an effective case at taking full-custody of the other children; and taking them from you in divorce. They could also become wards of the state; if legally, neither of you are considered capable parents. You might want to fully appreciate the consequences; and what you could face beyond your decision.
You're not alone. I am sure many women in your shoes feel just as you do; and have been pushed to such a decision by men in their lives. Men who father children, and think the responsibility after conception is all yours. Sometimes you ask for something a couple of times, and just give-up; or you must persist until you get what you want and need. Why did you marry and bear children for a man like that? You still have three other children and a marriage to contend with. Will aborting this child really make the difference?
Please get a mental-health evaluation and a physical examination to deal with your overall health before making your final decision. You also need to work on your marriage; because you don't just dispose of a life inside you; because you feel "exhausted." If you were single, it would be different. You have a husband and other children; so there is much to be considered.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2019): I would start with "I have some bad news..." and go from there. That way, he doesn't get super excited and then you have to let him down. Other than that, the only thing you can do is to be honest and direct, and stand your ground.
The problem here is that like you said, you weren't always safe, and that you didn't discuss what would happen if you got pregnant again. My husband and I both don't want kids. I'm ok with getting an abortion if an accident happens, but he isn't, especially not his own kid. So when we got married, he got snipped, and that was that. So moving forward, one if you will need to get the procedure done or something else to ensure you are always safe.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2019): Ultimately it is your choice but have you considered changing your current lifestyle by enlisting more help from hubbie or maybe having 'ME TIME'.
I am not judging you just trying to clear the way a bit, it worries me that you are just so tired and unclear at the moment that your choices could be blurred.
Of course you are exhausted bringing a family up it is a full time life long hard job, are you unhappy in general.
Yes your husband may resent you if you go ahead and terminate this pregnancy, it is 'also' his child not just yours, or he might agree with you.
One thing that struck a chord with me, the comment that your kids deserve more..please do not use this as a reason, the brutal truth here is another sibling for them to play with outweighs providing toys and clothing.
You need to discuss this with the father of your unborn child and look at every option available with CLEAR foresight or solutions either way.
I wish you well.
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