A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Is it wrong to not get along with your in-laws? We've been married for three years, and in that time, it's come out that his father is sort of, I want to say bi-polar. He has crazy mood swings where he gets angry then turns around and does something extremely nice to make up for it. Hes also very particular and demanding, so much that he has kicked us out while visiting because he burnt pork chops and blamed it on us. Another time his grandson had taken a DVD to watch and didnt put it back right away and he completely blew up at my husband for not watching him closer, and in turn my husband blew up at me for the same.Now we live nearby but I keep my distance. I don't talk to him and if possible, I keep our son away as well. I feel his grandfather is a bit too unstable. The last thing I want is for him to bear the brunt of one of his episodes. My husband's mother and father are divorced. She lives several hours away so we dont see much of her, but i feel it's better that way as she has a bit of a pill problem or shes recovering. Either way, I keep my distance. Finally, i had a good relationship with his grandfather. A few months ago, my husband and I were going thru a rough patch and finally I confided in him as I was having a particularly hard time dealing with the situation, thousands of miles from my home, and being fairly new to the area with hardly any friends. His grandfather completely dismissed my feelings and disregarded my concerns in favor of his grandsond, arguing that I need to just stick out the situation because it's what's best for our family and what's best for his grandson. Since then, I have been completely turned off to him. He seems to be lacking in backbone. It's safe to say I've married into a very dysfunctional family. I know, it was my choice. On the contrary, my family isn't perfect but we are very normal and functional compared to his family. But we're here now because his work his here. I however, am very isolated and struggling to make the best of the situation and it's getting harder to pretend to like his family now that we live in the same area. I'm not exactly sure what I'm asking, but any advice for my situation?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2019): You met his family before you married him. You decided to marry him and go wherever he goes; even if it meant isolation and distance from your own family. Why didn't you consider all this before you agreed to it? What kind of advice can be offered when you know there is no way you can change your in-laws?
You can only continue doing what you're doing. Limit contact between your child and your father-in-law.
Your husband's grandfather was right in a convoluted way. He was somewhat twisted in his reasoning; but he was essentially suggesting you made your bed by marrying your husband. It was no surprise to you who his folks are; and what they're like. Unless you only met them after you were married. You also got a preview on many occasions of what kind of husband and father your husband would be. Nobody can go through a complete courtship, engagement, and then into marriage; without a single clue what they've gotten themselves into. Lest you just blinded yourself to anything but having him, and being married. Period!!!
You need to get yourself a job, and to socialize until you make friends. A job gives you access to the outside-world; and a reason to connect with others. Even if you don't make friends with co-workers. You'll still have human-connection. You'll interact with people outside the confines of the ceiling, floor, and four-walls at home. People other than your immediate family-unit.
Get to know your neighbors. Join the school parents and teachers association once your child starts school. Re-connect with your old girlfriends; and stay in close-contact with your own family. Make friendly with the other mothers you meet at the kiddy-park; when you take your child to the playground. Chat with ladies you pass-by at the market, or when shopping. Say hello to neighbors, as you stroll by houses on your street. If you keep to yourself, people will leave you alone. Assuming you're just unfriendly.
Reconnect with family and friends; not just by social media. Pick-up the phone, and call them! Unless you're afraid of "I told you so's" from warnings your family gave you before you decided to marry your husband?!! That's often the case! When women feel so isolated, and just let men drag them anywhere and everywhere. Even if in doing so places distance between them, their own families, friends, and the place they consider home. Therefore, you must go to work rebuilding bridges and creating a support-system through communication with those you left-behind. Invite them to visit.
Don't choose a life, then complain. You could have refused, and stayed where you were. He wasn't/isn't the only man in the world you could have married. The reason for meeting the parents isn't just for them to judge you; it's for you to become acquainted, and to judge them as well. They will be grandparents of your kids, and your 2nd-family. They have access to your life through your husband. They were chosen, you weren't taken hostage.
You are now his wife. You depend on him to support you and your kid. You live near his father. You hardly see his mother. If you really only have to deal with his father; it seems it's not really that difficult. He does try to apologize or make amends; and you are very much aware of his mental-illness.
You need contact with the outside world. To let the world around you know you exist; and you're not just imprisoned by your husband and his family.
If you're not proactive, and don't use your own power and initiative; other people will lead you around. They'll make decisions for you. One thing experience has taught me over the years, when enough is enough...people get cracking. They decide to deal with their situations and/or change them; so they'll get some kind of benefit out of their environment. They don't just quietly sit and let their partners or mates create a life for them, and have no say about it.
If you've married too young, you'll learn your way in-time. We all have a built-in survival-instinct. You only need more experience, and you'll figure-out a way; and you'll have them all eating out of your hand. Keep your chin up, your back straight, and learn as you go!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2019): It's perfectly fine not to get along with your in-laws. When you and your husband got married, you two became one another's immediate family and family unit. Your parents became your extended family. It's normal to set boundaries. If he wants to spend more time with his parents, that's fine, he can go ahead but he doesn't have to involve you. I have very need in-laws and I told my husband I can only stand so much of them, if he wants to hang out with them more, he goes alone. You just have to respect one another's wishes and boundaries. You respect his, he respects yours. You don't have to pretend they are your family, and that everything's ok. You don't have to like them. They don't have to like you. Life is too short to be counting likes. But they need to respect you. And if that's not the case then it's time to talk to your husband. Best of luck.
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