A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Amazing girl. Energy. Youthfulness. First 18months Average sex was 2 or 3 x a DAY for first year. Next 6m was 3/4 times a weekThen we broke up for a number of reasons. Some jealousy and insecurity issues for me. Some nativity and insensitive issues for her3m of hard personal work on me (lost 20lbs, relationship councelling, loose the insecurities..) She's dating a rebound - it fizzles and she comes Back to me (sex with him was lousy and I've addressed My issues )However she hasn't addressed hers. I'm ignoring them because my age should Be prepared to allow her to be younger in her mindset (not taking about cheating - just those things A girl shouldn't do if she's with a man she loves Such as not talking to ex bfs or having drinks with them -- stuff she wouldn't want me to do but is ok for her (let's face it - self centered and youthfulness go hand in hand.... But it's not permiscuous of that I'm almost 101% certainSo we are back together after her fling fizzles after 3 months and being back took 2 months. Now back together one month (Thats six months since the breakup)In dec we had sex three times (after her fling fizzled from sept. In jan we had sex two times. Feb we got back together and had Sex Once.What is happening?She says she doesn't want it like she used to, That she doesn't need it but it will come back. She said its not me but any man (I know for a FACT she was extremely satisfied With my sexual performance - trust me I do )Meanwhile I've met a girl while I was single And she's not my gf in many ways but She's also amazing in her own right - five years older, sexy, glamorous, lawyer, passionate But I'm in love with my girlfriend :( Otherwise a real Woman's woman, Something my gf would be like in a few years (she's amazing in so many ways but young (23)So I'm torn between a woman who I'm longing For that's just not treating me right. I won't beg for Sex. And If I split I can be with the new girl the same Day (just to say we both have "options") My gf says "I need time - I love you I'm in a relationship With you but I need some time "I feel like I've been SUPER patient and hard working On my side of things and for the past three Months I've had Sex with her 5 times vs 45 times. At the rate before our split or vs a few hundred times. At the rate when we started I asked her do you want to be casual or open ? No. Fine - lets fcuk. No/ I can't just like that It's not about the physicality alone -I need you to WANT me as much as doing the actWhat do I do?Do I tell her, if your not in this fully I will date others Until either I move on or until you get serious?Do I leave her?Do I quietly implode on the pressures of rejection And her lack of desires while knowing I have a Amazing woman standing by to be everything (she may to toooo into me tho this new girl)Thanks for stopping by...
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broke up, got back together, I love you, jealous, move on Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyour probably right, however to clarify
"As I said, I think she's with you because you are a known quantity. The fact she hasn't told her friends and family she's back with you? Bad news. She doesn't intend to stay long. She doesn't want to go to bat and defend the relationship."
we have been together again for 3/4 weeks so far:
- in fact tho: she has told her best friends and her folks.
This weekend and a few recent times also, we had dinner as a group of 4
(its just that her older siblings she hasnt told and those friends of her sisters - i believe your right, that she wants to be sure before she is faced with having to defend her position, and before youthful exuberance outweighed the 'age gap comments' , but now she will need to face them more squarely after deciding if this whole deal is really what she wants.
re - accepting them for who they are, its funny u should mention that - i have learned to do just that in terms of the issues that cropped up to begin with and the jealousy or insecurity it nurtured
i think tho, that accepting her reduced sex drive is different tho - and in her words, its a phase she believe she will come out of in time (vs saying to me 'lets take a break and some time apart - which i agree is no good when it comes from a partner)
my issue stems from the fact that its 'the new normal' and we were so compatable (sexually..before) , and not just for mere weeks but right up until the split - and at such a passionate level , its just different to not be that way
and i wonder what to do
should i tell her 'look babe, its okay if you dont want this anymore. you dont have to feel responsible for my happiness. ive met someone who...
ie: u can bail if you wish, with no hard feelings..
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 March 2012):
 I think So Very Confused has said it perfectly. Either you accept and love her as she is right now, right this minute, this hour, this day, not for what she could be for you.
As I said, I think she's with you because you are a known quantity. The fact she hasn't told her friends and family she's back with you? Bad news. She doesn't intend to stay long. She doesn't want to go to bat and defend the relationship.
You may be all present and eager to get things 'fixed.' She's not all present nor is she eager to celebrate your relationship. It's not good. Sorry.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 March 2012):
 I will tell you like I tell everyone else. YOU CANNOT love a person’s POTENTIAL. You have to love them where they are and accept them where they are. IF they grow and mature and change, then it’s a bonus… IF YOU LOVE what you WANT or NEED them to be, you will forever be disappointed and you will hold it against them and it’s NOT their fault.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questiontisha-1 - well actually we both use the word fuck - for us its interchangable with 'making love', its part of an ongoing shorthand we use. i agree, if it was out of the blue, the use of that sort of vernacular, it would be a telling statement tho, your right...
as for the reasons 'why'.. i have to be honest, shes not as attracted to me as she once was... the pain of the brakeup lingers somehow. i beleive its fear - fear of more hurt, fear of failure, the pressures of age, etc - that we blissfully ignored because of 'true love' are now more in her focus. her siblings too, are as yet unaware we are seeing eachother - now, i am cool bout that, as its a decision she wants to be happy with, before she tells more than her mom or closest girl pals - i imagine there is pressure to 'not go backward' (mind you, if we were 'that couple - that are constantly bickering, fighting, splitting up getting back together etc - i would understand the hesitancy (and hell, id be long gone by then)
I believe we can get back there to what we once had or better, but to dothat,she has to evolve too as someone said here, she has not grown nor needed to
its true historically it seems easier to believe it never will be the same, call me an idealist - but i believe in the power of love and the example provided by nature herself, in the Butterfly's story - that what comes next can in fact surpass what has gone before.
- doing that however, does require a very personal metamorphosis
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (5 March 2012):
 Nope the other aunts are right, it's too much hard work for a woman who you've already broke up with once.
You deserve a woman who treats you good and makes you feel sexy. This girl aint doing these things, so let her go find someone else. Unless she has a good explanation about what's going on in her head, I don't see this lack of sex getting any better.
Finish this painful relationship.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (5 March 2012):
"At the rate when we started I asked her do you want to be casual or open ? No. Fine - lets fcuk. No/ I can't just like that It's not about the physicality alone -I need you to WANT me as much as doing the act" (anonymous male 41-50)
Is this the way she approached you "lets fuck", not very romantic is it? - you guys spent all your time in bed, and now the sex is not there, there isn't much left. If that's how she relates to men, no wonder she has problems with insecurity.
Women go off sex when they no longer fancy you, no longer love you, are in love with someone else, find religion, have medical or mental problems or have some unknown trauma's that you know nothing about. At 23yr she is not a kid, so I don't know about this selfishness, she's an adult.
Before you try "telling" her anything, I suggest you first ask her some questions and find out what is wrong.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 March 2012):
You two are not on the same page, or in the same chapter or even in the same book. You two are in different libraries across the ocean.
She came back to you because you offer a safety net and she knows what to expect from you. She lacks desire because she isn't all that interested in making love to you. You said you want her to want you just as much as the act. She uses the word 'fuck' to keep you apprised that she doesn't feel the same way you do. It's a subconscious way to keep you at bay, and perhaps she feels that the pressure for sex from you isn't coming the loving place you think it is emanating from within you.
Perhaps she was very sexual in the beginning because she realized, either consciously or subconsciously, that that would be the way to get you to fall for her. Maybe she was trying to get you to feel less insecure. Who knows? That is now in the past.
The now is that you've managed to find her replacement, I think that's fine. Go ahead and date the new one, after you have broken up with this girl. The one you were dating in the beginning is no longer the one you are involved with. Either you go to couples counseling to figure out why WITH her, or you separate and take your newfound self-knowledge and put it to good use with the next woman.
You spend a lot of time talking about balance, what does she say when you raise this issue with her?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2012): In my experience (not vast, by any means), once a woman loses her desire for a particular man, it never comes back to any significant degree*. (If sex is very important to you in a relationship, this leaves you with two choices: 1) move on and find a woman who wants more sex; or 2) try to figure out some way to make sex less important in your relationships.
*If someone else has some actual experience to the contrary, I'd love to hear about it. (I don't mean that in a sarcastic way, I'd really like to know if something has actually worked for other people here in the real world, not just a best guess based on something you heard on a talk show or read in a book)
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMiamine - those where HER words. not mine. for the record, my point has not been about score , but rather CONTRASTS.ive been SUPER Patient for basically 6 months, 3 to earn a chance, and 3 to where i have been doing all the things im supposed to - i just didnt bore everyone with an even longer post. the point is: she is 'back' but on less interest (to me it seems that)Rylie-Ann - tahts true, she sais she wants it less. and im not thinking about another woman per say, i started seeing one during our split (like SHE did...) (only mine didnt start right away because i didnt want a rebound - i can hurt this new girl and I dont want to. so id rather try to sort out the x / gf / x NOW because i can see my self with eitheranonymous - yeah i have to agree, that she has lost some interest and also is unsure what she wants, my point is if thats the case, why get back with me?? etctisha-1 - im not trying to keep 'score' im trying to find a BALANCE - sex is basically one of 5 main needs in men, and now my point is sex virtually registers as a zero if we are having sex once per month. thats not healthy. would you rather i go and cheat on her and lead on two women? i doubt it. i appreciate your final comments (certainly do!) but sex is not a score card, i merely highlight a big area. it was a big part of our relationship. now its almost extinct. my point is - ive done the hard work in showing i can evolve, but im not going to prentend saint hood and that sex as a means of bonding isnt important. - for the record, i say make love to her, she uses the term fuck. for the record, i say its JUST AS important that she makes love TO me, as it is for me to just get my rocks off. (and im not shy about reporting my goal out of EVERY sexual encounter is not cheap self gratification but rather to SATISFY her at least twice, before I come)worldlwise - tx appreciate your remarks, too - found them spot on, ChaliceODamnation - no, im just speaking figuratively, i dont need to control the relationship. i gave all that up. however. its a bout BALANCE and its about CONTRASTS - its quick work to see we liked SEX ALOT. and not its almost gone. it doesnt need a spreadsheet. im sorry if i implied i was being calculatory but the simple fact here is: i removed all controls, dont dictate who she can or cant drink beer with, sms etc etc - and if anything her withholding sex under the guise of 'im not ready' implies ive given ALL control. so im trying to BALANCE out that dynamic. i see her when its convenient for her mostly, i make the effort to drive to her (making changes at work reduces my dependance on my job, so i can make those easy sacrifices. i do it to show love. show respect. and i struggle with less interest. less time (of hers) and yes, as a result of all this, less or no sex. how does a couple be a couple like that?- i bring up the other woman because i have an option to move on. and ive waited long enough that if i start with her, its more likely than not to succeed. (i admit, had i started immediately after, i would only have been using her) - and i communicated this to my x, saying there are people who we could both start seeing, or i could cheat, but i dont want that and of course she doesnt eitherSo_Very_Confused - maybe your right.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 March 2012):
stop making excuses for her because of her age... if she's not doing what you need her to be doing then end it.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (5 March 2012):
"At the rate when we started I asked her do you want to be casual or open ? No. Fine - lets fcuk. No/ I can't just like that It's not about the physicality alone -I need you to WANT me as much as doing the act" (anonymous male 41-50)
Is this the way you approach her, "lets fuck", not very romantic is it? If you guys spent all your time in bed when you first met, maybe she thinks that all you want is sex. Do you do all the things that make women happy. Flowers, take them out dancing, restaurants, walks in the park, massages without sex, hugs and kisses with no sex involved?
She might not think your committed, and you aren't, you've already got your eye on another woman, but yet you claim your in love. Are you sure you've got your shit sorted out like you claim?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2012): You head to couples counselling and work with your GF to get to where you both can love, trust and rely on one another and the intimacy will sort itself out.
If GF refuses, be honest and tell her the reasons you told us you want to end things- just find it odd you are keeping track of how many times you have had sex, thats keeping score which any therapist says is a way to control and believe you are 'owed' and place blame. wouldn't make me feel sexy, attractive and trust in being intimate with you either. ;)
Then break up with her and let the new Gal know she is most likely a rebound and a sexual outlet. Its not about respect, just sex.
Honesty is the best policy.
See how that all works out for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2012): Do you walk round with a score sheet in your pocket? The amount of times you have sex on a graph maybe?
I get that you like sex and that your not getting any,or not enough. Sex is important to you, you love this young girl. I think your her safety net, somebody to fall back on when nobody else is around,she doesn't treat you as a partner or behave like one. Hasn't worked on her issues (you take her back, so no need to)
You put in the work, faced your issues and improved for her. She did nothing.
I don't know about going for the other woman, it wouldn't be fair if your still in love with somebody else. But I think you need to finish your current one.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 March 2012):
Your measure of a successful relationship appears to be frequency of sex. You have a score card.Her measure of a successful relationship .... do you know what her measure is? I don't think you do. She may not know, but you almost certainly do not.You speak of insecurity and jealousy issues for you: I read a man who is trying to control her. You say she shows naivety and insensitivity: these are actually your issues, only you have projected them on to her, using those words to make them her fault.I would let this one go. You worked on your insecurities in counseling but you did not work on communication skills, you did not work on trying to view the world through her eyes. You want this on your terms and to be honest, a successful relationship is built on mutually agreed on terms. You don't accept hers and think yours are the only right ones. I don't see this succeeding.Good luck with the woman in the wings. Remember that the other half of the relationship will have her own ideas about what makes for a successful relationship. Try to learn what those are, as you go into it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2012): When people split up its for a reason. If its hard work in the relationship at the beginning then im a firm believer that you just are not compatible. Sex is not the be all and end all in a relationship. You need mutual respect for each other, respect boundries and feel a better person when you are with them.
I would say you and your gf are at 2 different stages in life and that it would be best to either let her go or accept what you have.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2012): I think you need to stop kidding yourself by pretending it's her age which has caused her to be like this. Yes younger people may be slightly more self centred but they don't just go off talking to exs, drinking with other men and having flings etc.
If they're happy, then (most) will stay in that relationship faithfully. It sounds like either she's not sure what she actually wants in a relationship yet or she's lost attraction for you. The saying 'I need time' (for what?) is never a good sign, so in all honesty I don't really see your relationship going anywhere with this girl.
I'd suggest making a clean break from it, leave each other and be free to date and develop feelings for other people.
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A
female
reader, Rylie-Ann +, writes (5 March 2012):
 You are 41-50 and your girlfriend is 23? This is unlikely to work. Not impossible, but unlikely.
Some people do just stop wanting sex as much. If you're already thinking about another woman, you need to spare you're girlfriend the trouble, leave her and let her find a guy willing to wait for her and not lust after other women in the meantime.
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