A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am having some problems with my boyfriend at the moment. We have been together for over 3 years now, but sometimes I don't feel like I am in a relationship at all because I hardly ever see him. A lot of this is to do with work, as I work during the day Monday - Friday and he works Monday - Friday evenings and during the day Saturday (he is a music tutor so most people visit him after they finish work, which also means this is not a temporary situation it is how things will always be). So the only times we both have free are late during the week (9/10pm onwards), Saturday night and all day Sunday. He also plays in a band on a Tuesday night so that rules Tuesdays out, plus some Saturday nights if they are playing a gig. So as you can see we have very little time to see each other as it is, but when he is free he spends most of his time with his friends. As soon as he finishes work on a Saturday night (if no gig) he goes out drinking, and he spends all day Sunday in the pub too before going to an open mic night on Sunday night. Aside from a few one offs, this is what he does every weekend. At the moment I am lucky if I see him once during the week, because even if we are both free, sometimes says he wants to be on his own or he can't be bothered doing anything. I know everyone needs alone time though, so I do understand that. I have tried to speak to him about it and he says he can't help it that he is busy, he has a right to see his friends and it's unfair of me to try to guilt trip him into not going out with them at the weekends. The thing is I know he has the right to see them, and I am happy for him to, but I also have the right to a relationship where I see my boyfriend for more than 2/3 hours a week. I am not expecting to see him every night or anything, but maybe 2 nights a week and at least every second weekend would be nice. I actually think that is a pretty reasonable request to be honest. He said he is doing the best he can to juggle everyone but I disagree - to me his friends are his priority and I am underneath them, music and partying. This wasn't too much of an issue at the start for us because I have a full life too, plus I am not someone who wants to spend every minute with my boyfriend particularly in the beginning. However, I am now 26 (he is 25) and after 3 years I am starting to want more from him and the relationship. When we actually spend time together everything is amazing and we get on so well. In fact he has been talking about me moving in recently but I said no until our issues are resolved. My point of view is don't want to live with someone who I barely see, and who thinks he has the right to do whatever he wants when he wants without considering how it impacts me. I believe we are supposed to be a partnership which at the moment we definitely are not. I am so upset to say that I am starting to think that there might not be a future for us, but do really love him so I thought I would ask if anyone has any advice on how we can fix this? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2012): It must be really hard for you to be in this difficult situation. You've asked how you can fix it but to be honest, I feel like you're the one trying to do all the fixing in this relationship. That's not fair on you. You are obviously low on his list of priorities and your feelings should be more important to him. How much time does he spend with his friends compared to you? If he can find time for his friends and for himself then why can't he find time for the girl he loves? You deserve to be with someone who recognises your feelings as important. If you really want to stay with him, talk to him and make your point in a calm, collected way. Try hard not to get angry or upset. Use three part assertive statements e.g. "When you prioritise spending time with your friends over me it makes me feel sad as if we don't have enough quality time together, and I would like for you to make more time for me in future."
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 November 2012):
 I can see why you have issues, it must be difficult for you to continue in a relationship where you feel like the last option , it should not be that way at all. You have tried speaking to him and communicating but he is not making any effort to change, moving in together won't help that either, so I guess there is not much else left to do but to show him exactly what he will be missing! If you are unhappy then there is no way you should stay in this relationship, I understand that you love him, but sometimes that is just not enough!
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