A
female
age
41-50,
*issRead
writes:I've started a really stupid habit and I feel so anxious about it. I just started dating someone new after a 5 year relationship/engagement. All we do is hit the bars and have sex afterwards. The first few days, I pushed him away. But this weekend i was really drunk and I guess felt like being intimate since its been so long. The man, I'll call John, treats me ok considering the circumstances. He asks me to stay the night and will stroke my hair or caress my arms and face. His friends and siblings have either met me or know of me. Idk about his parents. But.... This all happened in a week!!!This is crazy for me! I made my ex wait 3 months to sleep with me. Although it seemed like a smooth start with my ex, I will admit he turned out to be a complete fraud and emotionally abusive.So, I ask myself am I a slut? Does John think I'm easy ? Will he take me seriously? I wish I hadn't gotten physical so quickly but I can't undo it. Is there something I should say to John? I did tell him I felt pressured by him but he says i shouldn't fight the attraction and to not worry. He said he thinks nothing less of me and if he did, I wouldn't have been introduced to his best friends and some relatives. I also went to a party at his job and people were shocked that we had only been dating for a couple days. Nonetheless, I feel really weird about the sex. Please help!
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best friend, drunk, emotionally abusive, insecure, my ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (27 October 2011):
 I am sensing that you are thinking that this is a bigger deal than it is.
I don't see where damaage control will be needed. You are human, you like this guy, he's a friend, things happen. Grown up people don't really care who's sleeping with who... truth be told, everyone is the center of their own universe and folks that gossip have no lives.
Just ask John to please keep the incident on the down low as long as you believe him to be an honorable man who won't "out" you for the wrong reasons.
And please please please stop worrying. it was a mistake and we are all entitled to a few of those...
A
female
reader, MissRead +, writes (27 October 2011):
MissRead is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your input. I already made an appt at the doctor's. Since John and I have mutual friends, I'm so worried he might tell them what we did, which would shock them since I've only been in very serious LTRs. If I didn't, I probably would just not talk to him again and take it as a lesson learned. I just want this to all smooth over and do damage control.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 October 2011):
If he didn't use protection I hope you are on BCP or another hormonal method. IF not did you get the morning after pill?
IF not you need to be doing a pregnancy test.
and perhaps some STD testing...
I think wanting/needing to talk about it is fine and he needed to respect that.
IF you like him and want to keep getting to know him, then do so. If you don't like him and he was just a drunken mistake then walk away... but it sounds to me like if you are interested in pursuing a friendship and maybe more it might be a possibility.
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A
female
reader, MissRead +, writes (25 October 2011):
MissRead is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey, I think I was mad because he acted as though I was over reacting by asking to talk it. I wasn't mad, I just wanted to be open about feeling rushed and he didn't use protection. I was way too wasted to notice until it was too late. I guess he thought about it and that's why he said he would slow down. Idk what to do with him. This is all new and weird to me. I'm sure people who date alot wouldn't feel the way I do. But it's hard for me. Any advice would be appreciated
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 October 2011):
he sounds like he's being kind about this and willing to back up and go at your pace... why are you so angry with him?
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A
female
reader, MissRead +, writes (25 October 2011):
MissRead is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone. I did speak to him and he got really defensive. He tossed hhe fact that I could have stopped him in my face. I got annoyed that I said no several times and I was drunk. He can take his bruised ego and put it where the sun doesn't shine. I made sure to take my belongings before I left. Then, he said he was sorry and promised to take it slow until we are ready. What BS.
I really learned my lesson but I'm still offended by his responses. No more drinking to excess for me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2011): I think you jumped into this too quickly- you're lonely and vulnerable from your break up and the disappointment of the whole relationship. It's not the end of the world but be careful here. If this guy pressured you into sex while you were drunk that isn't a good start to anything. I would talk to him about this and slow it back down. Stop going to bars and getting drunk. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (23 October 2011):
 No, I wouldn't call you a slut, I think you are emotionally vulnerable right now and you are playing into the hand of any guy who is willing to go all the way with you.Sadly, I think you are making a few mistakes: you are drinking to excess, which is lowering your inhibitions. You are also still emotionally distraught over your ex as well despite realizing he was a jerk. You also, from your words, miss someone of significance in your life.From the sounds of it, you had sex too soon with "John". With your ex, you probably waited until you fell in love with him before you slept with him and now you've known "John" for about a week and you've slept with him, but the emotional bind, commitment, and feelings aren't there. So what you are feeling today is 100% understandable.I am not sure there is any cure for what you are feeling, other than don't sleep with John again until you feel that you are right for one another. If he is the right man of character, he'll understand, if not, chalk it up as to a lesson learned: easy sex sometimes comes at an emotional cost. Also, forgive yourself for feeling lonely -- it happens to the best of us. Remember, its what you do from here on out that will make a difference in your character.Good luck.
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