A
female
age
51-59,
*pplevalleygirl
writes:It's the usual affair story....I've been married for 19 years to a good man, hard worker, who would do anything for me. The problem is, he is extremely negative, has no friends, is suicidal at times, is a drinker and his family is rotten. I have begged him over the years to get help but he refuses and I will not be co-dependant with him. Oh, did I mention, we have a sexless marriage and he doesn't like to do any of the things I enjoy doing like travel, etc.It's 1985...Each year I work at an event. This particular year our parking was assigned to a field. It had poured rain one day, leaving the lot very muddy. As I approached my vehicle, a women parked across from me was stuck and kept spinning her tires, soaking me in mud! Out of nowhere, this gorgeous man appeared with towels for me. We had a good laugh and he introduced himself. We became instant friends. I was 17 and he was 22. He too, was working at the event, but lives about 1500 KMs away. We had the opportunity to see each other a few times each summer when we both worked at similar events together, but nothing romantic ever developed. In 1991, he told me that he was engaged and I was so happy for him! I was married two years later. We both continued working at this event each year but didn't cross paths. Fast forward to 2008. On the final day of this same event, we were assigned to the same team. He recognized me right away. I did not recognize him as he used to have long blond hair but now had a shaved head, but was still as gorgeous as ever. It was wonderful catching up with him. He was just as positive, outgoing and friendly as he was in his youth. At the end of the day, he said that he had thought about me over the years and wondered why he had never asked me out on a date back then. I was a bit shocked but flattered. We parted ways for another year.The next year, I sought him out. Yes, I persued him. We arranged so that we could work together almost each day over the course of the week. Again, it was wonderful spending the time with him. He was so calming, pleasant and laid back. He admitted that he'd had a crush on me all those years. But still, nothing happened.The next year, 2010, I sought him out again. We weren't able to arrange to work together so he suggested we get together outside of the work assignments. Awkwardly, the only time we could arrange was for dinner with my husband! Both my husband and I had to arrive separately so he and I had some time to chat beforehand. He came right out and told me that in 5 years when his sons were of age he's "coming after me". He confessed that his wife had had a couple of affairs and was a recovering alcoholic. Oddly enough, we had a nice evening and parted. Later on, during my drive home, we spoke on the phone and he asked if the two of us could "spend a few hours together alone". I told him that I just couldn't do that. He said he understood but didn't want to "make the same mistake twice". Later that night, I sat down and wrote him a hand-written letter. It outlined why I couldn't "be with him" eventhough I wanted to. The next day I handed him the letter and walked away. The following day he called me on my cell phone saying he couldn't have written a better letter. He wanted me to know that he doesn't go around the country "cheating on his wife" - yeah, sure! We did want to say goodbye to one another so we agreed to meet somewhere "safe" - a parking lot in a mall. We spent 30 mins together and it was wonderful! My husband doesn't kiss on the mouth and I was so worried that I had forgotten how to do so but it was no problem with him!The event was not going to be in my jurisdiction again for another two years so we new it would be a while before we saw each other again. Over the next 24 months, he would text me, letting me know how much he missed me, etc. I couldn't stop thinking about him all this time. I had thought that time would make things fizzle out but it only made the feelings get stronger, on both sides.And then came this summer. Needless to say, we both gave in and had an amazing week together. The sex was amazing but is was the intimacy, connection and passion that I loved the most. The following week I received some beautiful text messages from him.Two weeks later, he called me, telling me how much he missed me, etc. He was going to be home for the next 6 weeks so he didn't know if he would be able to speak with me until after then.And here's where the sad part starts...6 weeks went by, no texts. He didn't even text me on my birthday. Each day goes by and I'm more and more upset. It's been 3 months now and no contact. I'm heartbroken. Perhaps he has reconciled with his wife, or he feels guilty, or something else, I don't know. I've spent 3 years thinking about him non-stop. I refuse to email, call, or text him but I need some closure if he has indeed decided not to speak to me again.I realize that I have no right to be upset, we are both married and I can just imagine how upset my husband would be if he knew. Maybe it's karma coming back to me. I realize that he too is a person, with faults, and I have many and perhaps this was all just a fantasy.Please don't be judgemental in your responses. What should I do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2012): What should you do? You cannot do anything. He is married and so are you. His wife has affairs and so do you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2012): Lol my husband is a good man, hard worker..*let me paraphrase this by listing the reasons why I cheated on him so I don't look like a...cheater*, he's a drunk, blah, blah, blah.
So what is he? a good guy or the devil?
You cheated, you lied, now what? Keep lying, that's what cheaters do because you're damned sure not going to tell the truth are you?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2012): Something about this story is telling me this guy is not as sweet as you think he is. I think you was an itch he wanted to scratch. His itch has gone now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2012): "I refuse to email, call, or text him but I need some closure if he has indeed decided not to speak to me again."
Then no offence OP but tough shit, you're just going to have to wait and hope.
I mean tough shit in the sense if you want closure then contact him. He's no the one going out of his mind, you are and you're the one who needs to do something to fix that.
I'm not going to go into any detail or judgement but it sounds like the guy used you. You were useful to him as a long distance play thing and now perhaps since he finally got his prize he's bored and doesn't want play anymore.
OP not matter what you think this was never going to be anymore than what it was, some sweet texts and some dick maybe once a year.
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A
female
reader, Jeanette82  +, writes (14 November 2012):
 I think you should not get in touch with that guy again. forget him just like he seems to want you to. Working on your marriage or getting out should be your priority.
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A
male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (14 November 2012):
 I am sorry you are experiencing the pain and emptiness you must be feeling now. In a sense, you received a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel and now it is gone.
It sounds like the man you spent the weekend with has reconciled with his wife or has chosen that the best way to avoid the conflict of dating a married woman is to remain silent. Perhaps he had some moral qualms and felt a huge sense of guilt about what you had done. There could be dozens of reasons why.
After 3 months of no-contact, my thought is that he isn't going to wake up one day and send you a message. I suppose you could reach out to him (he may be waiting for you to make the first move). However if he fails to respond, I'd take it as a message to move on.
I think the larger, more important question that you aren't asking is: what are you doing and what do YOU want? Are you looking to get out of your marriage and hoping this guy will take you in? Do you REALLY want to continue sneaking out on your husband or set yourself up for more heartache? Have you thought about trying to repair your existing marriage (perhaps your husband's depression is associated with your marital state)?
I think before you reach out, you consider your intentions. If you don't completely understand what your motivations are, I think you'll only set yourself up for confusion and frustration. You'll wind up playing games. Ask yourself, if you never see this guy again, what comes next for you and will you be happy with it? By doing some honest soul searching, I think it will be clear what you want need to do next.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2012): It is your husband who is the real victim in this. Why is he the way he is? There must be a reason. I think you should fess before he finds out. Do not believe he wont. It could take 10 years, but the truth always finds its way.
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A
male
reader, somewhere_between +, writes (14 November 2012):
 The best thing would be to make a clean break from your husband. You will be at liberty to do whatever you want with whoever you want. He is married to you and unaware of the real situation. It could end up by leaving him that you are actually doing "him" an act of kindness too. Nothing you say is suggesting you are happy in your marriage. The other guy, dont depend on him to make you happy, work on that one without any dependencies.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2012): He's probably very confused or his wife is onto him. Either way he hasn't forgotten you. If it were a mere crush it would have ended long ago. its wonderful connecting with someone the way you did but you have to be ready to make a decision concerning your marriage. What if this guy comes back and wants to settle down with you I'm sure you're not at all prepared to leave your marriage. You can't keep having affairs on the side. You need to make up your mind. BUT before you take that leap, make sure you have a safety net to fall on. Goodluck
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A
male
reader, bronzed adonis +, writes (14 November 2012):
 What should you do? Do you mean about your lover? Your husband? or your life in general? I would say you cannot plan anything "with" your husband yet as he may find out and then any decision regarding him will be out of your control. I would not get too secure in the thought that he wont find out, because things leak out in the most unusual of ways that you never actually imagined. As for your lover, the ball is in his court and you cannot do anything. Maybe he wants to work at his marriage, maybe he has got someone else to play with.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (14 November 2012):
 What should you do? Figure out what is going on with your marriage. This affair was a fantasy, an escape from the reality that you marriage is not working and you are unhappily married. The man who you had an affair with is irrelevant for now, the key here is deciding what you want from your future.
You say you are married to a good man who would do anything for you, but (and it is a massive 'but') he is negative, suicidal, an alcoholic, with a difficult family, refuses to get help from his problems and to top it off you have nothing in common with him. What is making you stay in this marriage? You are clearly unhappy, so why havent you left yet? The fact that you have already cheated shows that you no longer love your husband or respect the vows you made to him, you have pretty much thrown that away.
It all boils down to this question - do you want to stay with your husband, or would you be happier without him? If you want to stay then you need to forget all about the other guy and get some marriage counselling, ASAP. Your husband needs help too, and if he loved you and genuinely wanted the marriage to work then he would get help.
If you think the marriage is beyond repair and dont want to try and make it work any longer, then you need to accept it is over, stop clinging onto something that isnt working and leave. Yes I know that will be scary, and much easier said than done, but you cannot continue lusting over other men, having affairs and generally being absent in your marriage, it is not fair on either of you. This other man is married so perhaps he isnt going to be an option for a relationship, but if you left your husband you would be opening yourself up to a multitude of options, a whole world of choice and the chance to be truly happy again.
Think long and hard about this, the other man is irrelevant to be honest and I think you are right, he has had an attack of the guilt, or perhaps his wife has found out, and he has cut contact with you. He has ended the affair by not speaking to you anymore, that is all the closure you need. Forget about him, and think seriously about the future and what you want from life. There is no point in wasting life stuck in an unhappy marriage when you have so many opportunities awaiting you out there. You are still fairly young, life isnt over for you so dont put up with a situation that you are not happy with.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2012): Confess to your husband and give him the choice whether to change and work at your marriage for the better, or whether to dump you for cheating. He deserves that one piece of respect. You could and should have explained where your feelings may lead you, but you chose the easy and safe way and cheated. He should be given a chance of balancing it by having an affair too. You could even suggest an open relationship? Somehow I get the feeling you may not want to play fair.
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