A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi there,I am a 21 year old woman and when i was 13 years old i started working at my local restaurant where i met my boss. Work was a much more stress free environment compared with home life and when my boss came onto my i just went with the flow which has since transpired into a 8 year affair with this much older man who has a wife. He offered me emotional security when i was at my lowest however i feel ashamed and discusted with myself, how i have let myself get in such a mess and why did i even let myself go at such a young age, i mean what was i thinking? Now i am at University i dont see him as much, especially whilst his wife is not abroad, in a way i feel relieved. But when she goes away, i feel guilty of leaving him on his own and feel indebted in some way as he has been very supportive to me. Yet at the other end of the spectrum for the first time since 13 years old ive started to want to have a proper boyfriend but am so scared about loosing the one person who understands me. I have been having counselling sessions since October to address some other issues but havn`t yet told my counsellor of this stupid abnormal affair thing, i think she will be completely freaked out and am i really ready to give up the only security i really have. Do you think i should tell her? Please help me, im in such a mess!!!Louise.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2008): Dear, whatever you do, do not tell your counselor about this, unless you want your lover to go to jail. They are required by law to report such things to the police.
A
female
reader, Mzclarke  +, writes (22 February 2008):
 hey,
The other people that are giving advice right now are just saying what comes to there mind when they see age 13 and 23...dont get me wrong that is wrong...but i understand you shared something more with him and deep...if he is still married i think he loves the wife alil more than you and he will have 2 understand that u want to move on...you need to let go and try to be friends even though it will be hard...
its ok to want new things girl your so0o young i excalty know how you feel..so0o follow your heart and mind tried to be more strong...I would tell my shrink get her opinion trust to me thats the only person in world that cant judge you....
please write back and tell me how everything goes..
luv ya tracy
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2008): Whoa, 13?There is a HUGE difference between a person of 21 and a person of 103 having a relation and having a relation with a 13 year old girl and an adult.13 you are still a child, I know you don't want to hear this but you were RAPED. If you lived in the US the guy would land in jail if you mentioned this to anyone.You are feeling sorry for a rapist. I am not sure about UK law but I have the feeling the courts would still take a pretty dim view of this affair.Even in liberal Holland this is against the law.The fact he is still married to his wife suggests he doesn't love you. Understand you? Oh yeah, sure, whatever gets you to spread your legs. Sorry miss, but wake up and smell the roses. Get out of this mess NOW. Get a shrink because you need help. Want to see how much he really loves you, ask him to go public with the fact that he had an affair with you from when you were 13. All he cares about is scoring with a kid. He is a pedo, a rapist and a cheater. There are better people in the world then this and while you are in this mess with this asshole the right guy for you might just walk right past you.Sorry to sound so harsh, but your post just screams out "VICTIM" and there is little we can do with some advice on a forum except to hope to shock you out of it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2008): hi - I was slightly older than you when something similar started for me and I can say now (10 years on from it finishing) I can see it for what it was. Shallow, weak and selfish man who did not care for me but just took what he could - actually keeping his marriage interesting filling in the gaps and controlling me in the process. Sometimes I get so angry at the lost years and the way I felt guilt like I had to be a 'good girl' - he had so much control over my feelings knew just how to work it. Please I beg you to move away from him, change your phone, email do whatever it takes. When you meet a lovely young guy (you are still young you can do this!) and set yourself free you will never look back. You have learnt so much from this experience - work with your consellor, as I did, to turn it around.
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (20 February 2008):
 Irish's answer is absolutely spot on. This man took advantage of your innocence, when you was going through a bad period with your family. He was far from being supportive and violated you in the worst possible way when you was at your most vulnerable time of your life.
It makes me absolutely sick to the stomach, that instead of becoming a father figure, he became a vile sex predator.
I would run a million miles away from him and start a fresh life at uni. I also think you should confide in your councellor and say how this pondlife took advantage of you.
She will fully support and understand you,and everything that you tell her will go no further than the four walls.
Please hold your head up high my darling and I wish you all the best in your future. Good luck and keep us posted. Dusky xxxxx.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (20 February 2008):
 Hi,
firstly you dont owe him anything. Despite all his smooth talking you have to realise he was a grown man who seduced a 13 year old girl. The older you get the more you will realise how sickening this is, I imagine you are already starting to feel this. Imagine this, if it was your 13 year old sister or relative who confided in you she was in love with a married man and they were making love. You would go right to the police wouldnt you.
He has had control over your life from such a very early age, personally I am very aware of this as I used to teach high school and young girls flirted like crazy. It would have been so easy to entice one of these girls into the bedroom and mold her into what I wanted her to be. But I didnt because not only is it illegal it is morally repugnant to take someone's young daughter and abuse her.
The sooner you realise what this man has taken away from you the sooner you will be able to heal and the first step in this process is to go to a counsellor and then report him to the police. He is a child molester and shouldnt be out on the streets.
Good luck with the rest of your life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2008): Irish is very, VERY right. Five stars, girl!
Being approached sexually by an older man can really affect you later on in life. You owe him nothing, while he owes you many boyfriends, and a lot of good times.
Try to find someone to make you smile, someone who shares your interests and will go partying with you, marry you, and have a wonderful life with you. Someone who loves you so much he will publicly anounce it. Someone who cares about you as much as you care about him. Live it up, baby girl...don't sweat it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2008): Louise, You were 13 years old when this affair began. And no matter how supportive this married man was to you, he sexually abused you...plain and simple. What he did was against the law and while he was committing this crime, he took away the best, most vibrant, wonderful years of your life. You owe him nothing! So stop blaming yourself. You were manipulated and had a crime committed against you by an adult of trust. He also broke his vows to his wife. and he took advantage of a vulnerable adolescent who was having a rough time in life. He truely deserves jail time. for what he did to you
You should tell your therapist. She will not judge you. Believe that. and she has to keep whatever you discuss with her, strictly confidential. If she's good at her job she will compassionately help you to figure out how to be strong, stick to your values and stand up for yourself. Remember, you have a right to be respected and entitled to courtesy from her, no matter how she thinks. Chances are she will be very, very much in your corner. But keep telling yourself...you also have a right to be heard and a right to verbalize your thoughts/emotions without condemnation. Keep talking to her openly about this and never be ashamed. You were severely taken advantage of and that could and probably will have long lasting consequences on your future love/sex life.
I'm truly sorry that you've gone through this awful experience. No one deserves what you've been through at such a young age. And I can't imagine losing one's innocence the way you did .All you can do now, is gather strength from it and tell this married man, it's over...done. I personally, would like to see you gain the strength and courage to understand that what he did to you, was horrid and get him locked up in to a jail cell for what he did. If he doesn't leave you alone...tell him you might just do that and mean it. The future will bring you better things if you have hope and seek the right things. and the right people to enhance your life. Start life anew today. And the right thing to do, is end this bizarre emotional dependancy on this awful predatory married man and get on with your life and living. Good luck to you, hun...my thoughts are with you. Find the personal courage to be strong and get through this. If you still have trouble, and anxious moments feel free to private message me through this site, and hopefully I can be of more help. If I can't help...I am a good listener. Take Care, dear.
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