A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I need some help getting some answers on something I did and something that happened to me recently.I was in a relationship but noit very happy. I considered leaving the relationship but cared about my bf and wanted to see if we could work things out by talking and communicating.I met a guy at work who ruthlessly pursued me for months, even though he knew I had a BF. WE got close, talking, opening up to each other and after a while I started to reciprocate his feelings, or what I thought were his feelings. He told me he cared about me deepy, thought I was a soecial person, intelligent, funny, kind. He told me personal stuff about himself and opened up to me. He'd had a tough life and I felt a bit sad for him. I wanted to be friends, show him a bit of kindness. But I didn't want it to go further because i had a BF. Eventually though, something happened between us and we crossed the line from friends into something else. I don;t know what I expected to happen. My emotions just ran away with me. I started to think I was in love with him. He told me he was in love with me. I belived him, though I think it was more because I wanted to, rather than that I really did. WE were intimate a few times and I felt so bad and guilty that I ended my relationship with my BF. He was devastated but I told him I had feelings for someone else and couldnt be with him all the time I felt this way. It caused a fair bit if grief. Meanwhile, the other guy started to back away from me. His texts and phone calls ran dry and I began to panic. I was so confused. He had been so keen for us to be together and then when I was able to be with him, he backed off. I felt very used. Very hurt. I felt so bad. I tried talking to him but he wouldn't really communicate with me. He says he still loves me (that the feeling doesn't go overnight!) but that the timing was all wrong. He said he wanted us to be friends.I was angry and upset and said stuff I probably shouldn't, which pushed him away even more. I left him alone for a while, hopoing he might contact me, but he didn't. Eventually we met for coffee at my suggestion and he said he wanted us to be 'best friends' and that he still loved me but couldn;t be with me. I pretended I was cool with this but secretl I was devastated. He still calls me some times, esoceially when he needs some0one to talk to and he says things about us getting together and doing stuff, going for dinner, to museums etc...but it never happens. Whenever I have needed him and have called he doesn't pick up or just sends me a brief text message instead.I realise, though it hurts, that this person doesn't love me, even though he says he does. But it hurts so much that he doesn't want me any more as he wanted me so much at the start and I felt such a connection with him, stronger than many people ive met before. It has broken my heart and I hurt a lovely man in the process. Why do i feel I need his love so much? Did he just use me? I doubt that he really does love me. Just th other day he told me I can come and see him any time. He even invited me over there and then but I said no as I was busy *even though I wasn't). I wonder if he just wantes to keep me hanging on, knoiwing I will be there for him. I know I am worth more than this and yet I cannot seem to let it go. My self esteem is rock bottom. It pains me so much to think that he just used me. Why tell someone you love them and want to be with them when you don't? I can't understand him. I swing from believeing everything he says to thinking everything he says is a lie.I don;t know if I can be his friend, thugh I have told him I can. I just wish I knew what he really felt so I could accept it and move on. Perhapos he is just noit that into me now. So why have anything to do with me? WHy tell me he wants us to be friends and call me when he wants to talk. Am I just being massively used and abused, or is he just confused and unsure. I'm very unhappy. Help!
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affair, at work, move on, self esteem, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2011): It sounds like the guy may have liked the thrill of the chase or the forbidden fruit. Now that you're available he is shying away. There isn't really much you could do about this situation, except to learn from it. Try not to pine over this guy. He has let you know that he is no longer into you. Maybe he has a girlfriend or wife? You will probably never know what is going on in that guy's head, and don't torment yourself trying to figure it out. Seriously, the guy is a jerk. The fact that he was pursuing you while you were in a relationship is proof of that.
Take care of yourself and be strong.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2011): First he wanted to get into your pants.
You let him.
(Whatever tactics he used, love, money, blackmail, is irrelevant)
You become single for him.
He doesn't want a commitment, if he wanted he would have chosen a single girl. Everyone knows once a cheater always a cheater.
Now what to do with you?
He will not throw you out, it would be a waste.
Being friend with you and considering your past together, whenever he wants sex he will just talk sweetly to you, offer you dinner and you'll end up in bed with him.
Thats a vicious circle.
Either lose contact totally or crash and burn.
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