A
female
age
36-40,
*ummy85
writes:Hi everyoneI am a single mum to two small children aged 1 and 5. About 4 weeks ago a met a single dad with 3 children online. We spoke daily and instantly hit it off so set a date for about 5 days later. He called me the day before as wanted to hear my voice and we were both very excited.The date was the best date I’ve ever been on. We were instantly attracted to each other. He kissed me on the cheek when I arrived but then asked if he could kiss my lips as couldn’t believe how amazing I looked. The conversation flowed all night and he kept holding my hand. We ended up back at his house, spent a few more hours getting to know each other and we had sex. I hadn’t planned that but I have no regrets. The next day he text to say how much fun he had and he couldn’t wait to see me again. 3 days later I arranged for him to come to my house (we couldn’t go on a date due to the children but agreed spending some time just chatting and watching telly was better than nothing). That ‘date’ went well too and I felt like we both liked each other very much.3rd date he invited me around to his a few days later. Watched some telly, chatted and ended up having sex again.4th date we managed to find a weekend neither of us had the kids. He asked me if instead of going home after the date I would stay at his the night so we could chill the next day and he could make me breakfast. The date was amazing. We went to a few bars, he held my hand between walking to different bars. He spoke about his birthday party in 5 months time and how he can’t wait to take me with him and show me off. He told me he hopes he doesn’t have to date anyone else again and I’m the girl he introduces his children to. We went back to his, spent 4 hours chatting, drinking and dancing like looms and having a giggle. Obviously went to bed had sex, morning we had more sex before he made me a lovely breakfast as promised and spent until midday together until I had to go and collect my kids. Now since then he continues to text me daily and even call me daily on the phone but it has changed from making plans to see me again to just friendly chat. Asking how my day has been etc and just generally a bit boring. I text him yesterday and told him that I’d noticed he hadn’t been returning my flirty banter and seemed to be friend zoning me. He text back to say he was so sorry and had looked back at our messages and I was completely right and he hadn’t meant to make me feel like that. He told me how beautiful, fit and sexy I am and he felt bad he had made me feel that way. He said he has a lot on at the moment and is stressed (currently in process of buying his ex out of their property) and he didn’t want to burden me with it so he had shut down. I am in a similar situation that my ex has moved out and I’m still unsure re the future of my house and if I might have to sell so I told him it was ok to tell me about the bad times he was going through as I understood and I really liked him so it wouldn’t put me off. I told him all I want is for him to be honest with meA few hours later he text again to say he couldn’t get my text out of his head and he didn’t want to mess me around. He said he might regret this for the rest of his life but he needs some time to focus on what he has going on right now so can’t see me anymore. He said he knows I can’t be expected to wait for him. Obviously I’m gutted as I really like him but I’ve text him to tell him I understand and I hope he is happy soon.My question is do you think he is genuine or was he already pulling back after the 4th date but didn’t know how to tell me until I brought it up? Should I text him in a couple of weeks just to say hey and I hope everything’s ok or do I just the ball in his court now and leave it for him. Thanks in advance
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 June 2019):
 I agree DO NOT tell him you miss him.
He will (or can) take that as you being a clingy person.
Keep ANY responses light and cheery (even if you don't exactly FEEL that way). And KEEP them SHORT. No long texts, just short and sweet.
AND DO NOT agree to meeting up - like a booty call. It's OK if he wants to take you out for dinner or a movie. BUT NO more sexy time. OK? He knows now WHAT you have to offer in that department, so if he is interested in that... He's got to work for it now.
And I would actually be a little busy for the next while. Do things with family and friend and DO NOT respond with in 30 seconds... give it an hour. Even if your fingers are itching.
While that may sound a little like playing games, I'd say it's just a matter of SAFE-GUARDING your heart.
HE IS keeping tabs on you, so maybe he just really NEED to get his stuff together before jumping in.
Or if he really isn't such a great guy... keeping you sweet for a casual thing whenever...
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 June 2019):
 Do NOT say "I miss you!" Text him back warmly, affectionately, and let him FEEL the peaceful sunshine coming from your posts. If he calls you, be happy to hear from him as if his calling you made your day, but DON'T act all "I MISS YOU" desperate around him. If he asks you out, make sure it's not some late night booty call.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2019): He must be ready for sex again.
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A
female
reader, mummy85 +, writes (2 June 2019):
mummy85 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for everyone’s responses
Just wanted to update you that yesterday (2 days after he broke it off with me) I was having a family party (which he knew about) and he text me to say he hopes I’m having a good day and the sun is shining for me. I replied to say thank you, I was, and he text back to say good you deserve it.
Now it’s just making me feel even more that he does still want me as he was thinking about me and felt the need to reach out. He has liked my Facebook pictures from the party too. I just have this uncontrollable urge to text him and tell him I miss him but i don’t want to make a fool of myself either
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2019): Let me say a few things before I shed some of my own wisdom on the situation. When you are coming-out after the undoing of a relationship; and still working towards the finalization of that broken connection with your partner; the heart longs for romance, peace, and harmony. We'll do whatever we can to recreate some normalcy. In an attempt to recapture something that reminds us of better times. We want to escape the harshness of our daily-reality; as it rests so heavily on our hearts and shoulders.
Now that being said, I will now offer you advice. Things may have gone differently had you slowed-down, and kept sex out of the mix. I know you have no regrets about it; but sex brings a different psychological-gravity and momentum into a romantic-pursuit/courtship. If premature, that initial-attraction (or chemistry) has not completed the more vital emotional and philosophical interfacing...a meeting of the minds, as you will.
Good conversation doesn't mean diddly-squat. You can chat with total random strangers. I mean deep-communication on different levels. Sex became the motivation of the connection. As for your emotional/psychological bonding-process? It simply hadn't ripened enough. You may have rambled-on about your kids, divorces, and plans; but you really don't know much about each other. That's because getting too much into that would have spoiled the euphoria and killed the romantic-fantasy.
Snap-out-of-it, sweetheart! The fog has lifted!
It all remains superficial; even when you think/hope it runs deeper. Why? Because neediness (desperation, or loneliness) will rush us ahead of our better-judgement. Then we'll rationalize, even lie to ourselves, to justify yielding to our impulses. Common-sense competes with feelings. Feelings are not always what we interpret them to be. They can trick us. They can change on the spot. They can deceive you!
We have needs, and they are usually at the forefront. Our needs are the motivation behind our actions and emotions. You got many things from him that you were missing and/or were deprived off. A deficiency in intimacy, and a total deficit in time and attention from a romantic-partner. He gave you a chance to express your built-up or pent-up affections! That was exactly what he was experiencing simultaneously; although we men emote and express our feelings differently from women.
Generally-speaking, a man can be motivated primarily by sex; and his emotions, secondarily. All the while with good-intentions. He can also operate sexually, absent of emotion. Selfishly! A woman can inadvertently add meaning and emotion to sex, no matter how hard she tries to mimic a man's indifference or apathetic approach to it. He's the giver, she's the receiver. She can detach herself mindfully; and allow her body to do things. Yet she sees participating in, or performing in such a manner; as being objectified and manipulated, when she feels she has to do that. We're wired differently by nature; no matter how much we can imitate each other emotionally and psychologically.
Naturally, we are created differently; therefore, we can't function or think entirely the same. Neither gender is better or worse than the other. Nature's plan is that we find a mate, connect, and procreate.
All your energies and feelings were placed on-hold, in order to be a mother. To attend to your parenting-responsibilities, and to put the needs of your little ones first. This is a form of self-sacrifice, that you do willingly out of love. Meanwhile, reserving a part of yourself to share intimately with your male-partner. That part of you was just lying there dormant; until someone came along and awakened that sleeping passion within you.
Your love for your babies is generously and unconditionally reciprocated by your children. That is fully sustaining; because your first-instinct is to see that they are safe, healthy, and happy. It's a total fulfillment in and of itself. However, you're walking slowly on a ledge emotionally; because you are also suppressing your pain from your failed-marriage. Reaching-out for relief! You're exhausted from keeping up a pretense and facade of strength. It's there, but overworked...stressed and strained. Yearning to just relax, meeting this man opened-up a host of vulnerabilities. Many of which can force you to be quite needy.
Read-on, before you recoil in righteous-indignation; for my presumptuousness in thinking I have any right to pretend I know you. I don't, but we are both human. So we experience similar situations, and fall victim to unforeseen circumstances; that either match, or resemble in some-way. We can relate to each-other. That's where empathy comes from. Then there's...I've been there, and I've done that!
He suddenly snapped-out of his daze and euphoria; and realized how quickly things were moving. He got caught-up before he knew exactly what he was doing; and how his recklessness was affecting you emotionally. You're vulnerable, and trusting. That is nothing to play on, or foo1-around with. So, rather than go around and around, he had to let you down abruptly. It's still early enough for you to pull yourself together. Return to reality, and move-on. For all we know, he goes from one vulnerable-divorcee with children to the next. Who knows? Who really cares? It's now done with.
Your vulnerability and rebound-emotions took you to the inner-sanctum of fantasy and romance. It will be uncomfortable to let-go, but not quite as painful as you might think. You're a strong lady, and you express your feelings quite eloquently. That tells me you'll be okay, and you'll get through this. You're mainly venting, not complaining. That's exactly how I saved myself! The truth is, it wasn't really as deep or emotionally-connected as you thought it was. You both needed something; but you took longer to wake-up! That's why you're confused.
I think you should concentrate on your children and getting your life in order. This was a healthy distraction; and a much needed romantic-interlude; which is good for the soul. I would recommend that you withhold getting yourself in too deeply with sex early into dating; because you don't have control over your vulnerabilities just yet. Your feelings are desperately searching for a place to rest; and you're not fully thinking...you're acting impulsively. Not recklessly! You're aware and you're an intelligent adult; but if you had to do it over, I think you would have done things differently.
Be careful with your heart and feelings! I said "careful," not paranoid! Abstain from sex, until you regain impulse-control. Men are good at disabling it. You have two sweet little innocent-people who depend on your wisdom and strength. You don't need to be crushed under emotion and heartbreak before you complete the matters presently underway in your very busy life. Romance was a mental-health break.
Don't be taken-in by men who speak into the future. Make your plans on a short-term basis, and you won't go wrong. That way, you won't attach yourself too quickly; by assuming things are going anywhere, if they're not!
Four dates don't mean very much these days; and could mean even less, when you've spiced them with sex each and every-time. Sex is even better when served as a reward, rather than desert! It's not the number of dates you have before you introduce intimacy into it. It's more important to know clearly what your own expectations are; and what the intentions or motives are of your love-interest, once sex enters the picture. Right off the bat, don't expect too much!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (31 May 2019):
I agree with Honeypie that you both rushed into everything way too fast and heavy, but I wanted to add a couple of other things as well:
You both went hot and heavy into the relationship, having weekend sex sessions and such, and he "came up for air", which was why the slight pull-back. You overreacted to it, because you never should have said anything to him about "friend-zoning" you. He was calling and texting you every day, so he wasn't ghosting you! He simply was being very healthy and giving the relationship a little breathing room. Building a friendship is important, even MORE important that "flirty banter" and sexytime!
You WILL come off as high maintenance and clingy if you expect constant hot and heavy and you get insecure if he pulls back a little. Like I said -- he was talking to you every day and still texting you!! You should have gone with his line of talking and backed off of the flirty stuff and given it a couple of weeks to wait for him to make another date with you or YOU could have asked HIM out.
In fact, YOU should pull away very slightly too and let him breathe! Give him that couple of weeks, and then say Hey, let's start over. That's why he said he "can't see you" because he thinks you're going to demand his time and attention constantly.
He may not be over his ex yet either, and in that case, there really isn't a lot you can do about it. Let him sort out stuff with his ex and then contact you if he does, but you need to show him that you're not going to cling or demand constant attention/affection or get really insecure if he's not always hot and heavy with the flirting and that you are looking forward to getting to know him.
Then put your profile back up on your dating app and let him go. If he contacts you again, START OVER. Just go out on dates. Keep it light, not weekend long marathon sex, etc. Dating/relationships have ebbs and flows! They're like the tide! There are heavy moments and then there are quiet moments. People come together, then pull back. Give him lots of breathing room. If he pulls back, YOU pull back. It's a dance. Two steps forward, two steps back. Have him MISS you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2019): I wouldnt send this guy a charitable text.
Youve taken a knockback and thats taken the wind out of your sails.
Please dont give him any more of your energy.
Youre just being too nice to someone who led you up the garden path a bit.
He deserves no text.
If you do text be prepared to take a long slow knockback.
He thought you were casual.
He didnt try to get to know you properly and he has messed with your head.
Now it is his turn to wonder what he missed while you dust yourself down and reconsider.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 May 2019):
I think you moved WAY too fast. And HE realized that before you did. I know you are OK with having had sex on the first date, but that ALSO can be why this didn't work out. Because you BOTH rushed things. Instead of taking a GOOD long while GETTING to know each other (not through sex) but to see how well a FIT you two were, as far as values, morals, child rearing ideas, etc. When you BOTH have small children it is VERY important that you TAKE it slow to ensure that the partner you AT some point bring HOME to these kids are safe, and someone that can BE a big part of their lives for (hopefully) a long time to come.
Some people jump into the dating pool WAY too soon as well, before they have processed and dealt with the LAST relationship and whatever baggage came with that.
You can let him know that you are still interested and that he should feel free to contact you down the line IF he also is interested but you aren't going to put your life on hold in hopes he might want to date you.
As much as you two have talked and hung out, HE is still somewhat of a stranger. You have no idea what REALLY is going on in his life. Which is why I would not go sit on a shelf and wait for him to decide that he wants to date you after all.
Go slower next time. FOR you own sake.
Something that starts out as a bit of a whirlwind romance kind of deal, often "dies" down real fast too and if you have felt bonded and attached fast, that will hurt.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (31 May 2019):
We can only guess at what might be going on with this guy. He could be absolutely genuine and just need time to sort things out with his ex. He could have been spooked by your relationship moving too fast. He could be one of these that enjoys the chase more than the catch. He could have been seeing other ladies and found one he prefers. There is no way of knowing what is ACTUALLY happening here.
In your shoes I would text him and tell him you would be happy to hear from him when he feels he is ready to date again. That way, if he has genuinely changed his mind about going out with you, he just doesn't have to contact you again but, if it really is a case of him needing to sort out his life before he gets involved in another relationship (sensible), you are leaving the door open for him to contact you.
That is not to say, of course, that you should put your life on hold. There are other guys out there who you may like just as much, if not more, and who may not have the complications this guy currently has.
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