A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi AllMy marriage recently broke down and, when I thought I would take my time before entering another relationship, I met this most incredible man through an online dating website.We immediately clicked, and our first "conversation" was over 2 hours long, without mentioning sex or anything. We found each other, in subsequent days, login just to see whether each other were around, spending hours and hours online chatting together.Now, when I met him, he had been divorced for 6 months after his wife and companion for 12 years cheated on him. As I learned later, this caused him a terrible heartbreak and lack of self confidence.We met and we connected inmediately. We found we tend to like the same things, we like each other physically, we enjoyed each other's company and conversation, whatever it was about, and we had incredible intimate times together. The only issue was that he lives in a town 70 miles away, so we would only see each other on weekends.I was amazed at the man I had met: attractive, sensual, loving, caring, intelligent, in my heart, despite my initial cautions, I really felt I had met "the one".He used to tell me wonderful things, not only that I was attractive, sexy and intelligent, but also that I was special, that he cared for me very much, that I made him feel like a prince and that never a woman had treated him the way I do. We used to text each other various times a day, always we would text goodnight to each other. Because of the distance, we would chat online for 3-5 hours every night, we would share what was happening on our lives, and encourage each other with difficult issues, etc.Last time we were together, he met my young daughter. They immediately clicked together and they had a great time playing, going to the park, etc. Because she is so young, she started to refer to him as "Daddy" and, when I apologized to him for this, he said he didn't mind that she called him Daddy if that was how she viewed him.He had said a few times "I love you" to me, at times he would just hold me and kiss me in the forehead and tell me how special and wonderful I was to him. So, all this put together, I felt there was something more between us that just flirt and sex.I went away to visit my family, time at which he kept in touch by emails and explained about his dreams and plans for the future, about setting a business in another country, etc. We agreed we would sit together and talk about this when I came back. Last evening before travelling back, he sent me an email saying how much he missed both of us and was looking forward to seeing us again.I came back, and I noted the text messages were short and unemotional. Three days later, we chatted online, and he was telling me he was very busy with work, having to do a lot of work even after coming home, having to commute for over 4 hours every day, being tired and stressed. He wasn't sending any kisses nor saying anything romantic at all. I showed him support and encouragement, and politely asked him when did he think we might be able to meet again. He just replied "don't know, why?". Very politely I said that we had a relationship and that I missed him and that I was looking forward to seeing him again, but that I understood he was busy and didn't want to put any pressure on him.That night, at the end, saying good night, he sent me a single "x".I thought, "OK, he is busy, I'll give him some time". Next morning I texted him to give him some encouragement and he texted back saying that he couldn't do relationships for a number of reasons. I then texted him back and said whether he wanted some time or he felt we couldn't continue together. He replied that he didn't want any emotional attachements at this point in his life, that I would be hurt and that he didn't mean to be horrible.After many tears, and careful consideration, I sent him an email apologizing for putting more pressure on him, saying that I understood he was having a difficult time and that I wanted to be his friend through this, and asking him not to make any decisions about "us" whilst he was under so much strain, as he could make a decision that he would regret later.He emailed me back saying that he didn't know what to say, that he didn't want to hurt me, that I was special for him and that what we had wasn't a relationship, was just a friendship. He also listed my qualities and he said that they were rare these days. He said he had always given up his dreams for one reason or another and that he couldn't allow himself to get emotionally attached to anyone.I asked him whether I could call him on the phone to talk, but had no reply. After a few days, got a message from him hoping I was ok and, when I replied, he said that the previous weekend he had collapsed through exhaustion, fell and was knocked unconcious. Later I texted him saying it would be good if we could meet for a beer and talk, and he texted saying that he agreed and that we would do so when things were less hectic.Since, I've emailed him once and I also texted him to say that I hoped he was feeling better and that he was able to get some proper rest. I haven't heard anything since.I've relied on text messages and emails as, from my understanding, I could be inconvenient if I just call him at any given time, as he might just be working and working some more.I feel he, in his heart of hearts, would wish that the relationship could continue, but he is afraid that I will stop him from realizing his dreams or from pursuing a better life.I desperatly would want to show him that this is not the case, but I'm waiting for the time when he finds it appropiate to meet again. In the meantime, I would want him to not give up on us, but I don't get enough of his time to even show him support and encouragement.We had a wonderful relationship and, in the space of 4 days, everything went wrong, from what he said it's over and he communicated this by text message, and I haven't been given any reasons, any explanations nor the chance to defend my case.What's your advice on this?Thank you for taking your time considering this.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2007): He just got out of a very long relationship and what I see is the problem is not you, but is the timing.
When I have just gotten out of a long relationship, I am NEVER looking for "the one." In a way he is looking for a replacement for his ex. And its not that he doesn't like you or think your great. (I know this from experience.) He does. It's just that the timing is so bad.
You have to understand that when people, anybody, fall in love, the first thing that they see, is a future. With that person. On the other hand, when you first get out of a relationship and jump into a new one, the first thing you see IS NOT a future. All you see is a quick replacement for the companionship that you have lost with your ex.
That is why he felt guilty and retracted from you. Because he knows this. He knows that for as long as you two have been dating, he doesn't see a future, but a replacement. Nothing more. NOT because he doesn't think your great. But the timing is bad. He can't help feeling that way. It's a natural process. And he feels bad because he has got a concsience. I know this for a fact because I have been in his shoes.
And you have to realise that he is still not over his ex. And that is going to take time for him. It's going to take time for him to reach the point where he is no longer looking for a replacement but instead is looking for a new future.
But he retracted from you because he feels guilty that emotionally he can't give you what you deserve. I swear. That's all. Good luck.
A
male
reader, DJ8433  +, writes (11 August 2007):
 I think he had sex with someone else which made him realize you're not the one for him. Things are more hectic, "with another slap and tickle". It's better to know now than 5 years from now. Consider yourself lucky that he has shown you the classic signs even if he doesn't have the gonads to tell you directly. Kick him to the curb before he wants you back, and then does it to you again. Next time try to be more protective of your child.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (10 August 2007):
 I'd like to start saying that you were incredible to him, caring and loving, and that you sound like every man's dream in terms of how you managed the relationship.
Now, I will try to say where you stand. Since a wonderful relationship went wrong in a matter of days, with no changes you could be held responsible for, it's obvious that he changed his mind. I find it hateful that he says you didn't have a relationship. What about the "I love you's"? Maybe he was not in a relationship in the litteral sense, but, he was behaving as you would in the initial stages of a relationship. And then he let your daughter call him Daddy.
You are trying to convince him that it would be well worth being with you, and you won't stop him from pursuing his dreams. You're polite and don't put pressure on him. But, he knows how great you are; he even said your qualities are rare these days. He knows full well who you are and what you offer.
I don't know what is going through his mind, but, I would very much like to: he found a jewel and lets it go. He isn't interested in the relationship, though. He's come with all the excuses, among them the worst of them all, the "I'm busy" thing. He wasn't busy to see you before, and he willingly went the 70 miles when he was interested. Now, 70 miles doesn't seem like distance at all if you found the woman of your dreams.
He's not giving you time to "defend your case" because he knows full well that you would win, overwhelmingly so. He is just brushing you off.
I know this is painful, but, let him miss out. Live a life where he does not play a role, and one day you will wake up not thinking of him and all the pain.
I am sure your virtues show. There is a man out there who won't be that stupid and will appreciate you in all you're worth.
Like good old Bob Marley would sing, "Don't worry, be happy".
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