A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:This guy and I have been getting to know each other for several (6) months. We have a strong chemistry and really like each other. We finally went out and had a fabulous time. We clicked. We talked at dinner for 4 hours about anything and everything. It was a two way conversation with both of us doing an equal talk and listen. He was a true gentleman in every sense of the word. We both told each other we had the time of our lives. He told me it was by far the best dinner out he's ever had because of the company he was in. He asked me if I would go to the theatre with him next so we could each dress up. The plan was dinner, the play and then a nice walk around the city. We also talked of going to see a movie down the road and we both agree to cook each other our trade dishes. We shared very nice make out session (kissing only) and I know this guy is going to take things very slowly as he respects me and seems to want to make a very good impression. This man told me that he hasn't been in a serious relationship in 10 years but that he had been on a few dates. He said he just never found someone he cliqued with. He said we cliqued. The problem...when we parted he said he would call me to set up the theatre date, I said, call me soon. He said he would call me the next day. That was yesterday. Now, he also during the date told me that he was awful about calling and tended to get a tad lazy about that. I'm a little down because he didn't call. What do I make about this? How long after a first date (to someone you've been good friends with) does the man call you to show he's interested? Also, should I have sent a text message thanking him for dinner? I didn't think I should. My sister said I should have.
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (18 February 2008):
 [Quote]
"am not mad, i care about you, if i can help, ask. I can be a good friend 4 you. if you need time, space, ok. I am here for you. take care of wonderful you."
[Unquote]
From this message, you showed that you have no hard feelings , genuine,understanding, warmth and inviting.
You did not show your disapproval of his past actions or your dissatisfaction with him and this is a positive feedback.You are opening the door to him and giving him an invitation to come in.
I hope he gets your positive message. Give him sometime for that message to sink in to his mind. You did the most appropriate thing and the ball is now at his feet. I hope he will call soon.
If he did not call , you may want to ask him out for a dinner date. Text him and see what is his reactions. LOL!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Laurel,
Here is an update from this situation. I did not initiate any further communication. Last Sunday he sent a text message "try not 2 b too mad, I have been going through issues, u r beautiful."
I texted him back, wanted to call but I think he didn't want to get into the issues thought it best to communicate the way he did "am not mad, i care about you, if i can help, ask. I can be a good friend 4 you. if you need time, space, ok. I am here for you. take care of wonderful you."
He sent a text back "let me say, u r a beautiful woman."
Last Wednesday was his birthday and I sent a simple "happy birthday" text. I saw him on Thursday just for a minute at the office (he came for training) and he was SOOO happy to see me. His smile was as big as I've ever seen it. He thanked me for the birthday text, I said he was welcome and asked if he had a nice birthday. He said he did and I asked him if he was ok. He said softly "oh yes, yes." At that point we both had to get going so we said see you later.
So, what I gather is that he is still interested but not at a point where he can "take me out". I don't know how I should have responded any differently. I wanted to say, Yes I am beautiful...and lonely. But I did not. I am not going to contact him further, going to wait to see what he does now. Do you think I have done all that I could to make sure he knows I am interested in him? Remember this is a guy who is very insecure with himself where I am concerned. Do you agree with me just sitting back and waiting? I thought I might call in a couple of weeks just as a friend to ask how he is if I don't see him when he comes to class. I do think he is a bit stunted as far as his ability to manage a relationship as well.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your response. I think you hit this on head on. He is a true gentleman and at the moment, he can not afford to be in this relationship. What happened is that he bought a car he could not afford. He owns his own house and is right now trying to cut back expenses. Calling me is free if he's within his minutes. Even if I call him, he has to pay for minutes so it's not an expense thing. I think he just feel he has nothing to offer in a relationship right now so he's not going to initiate anything.
He is a proud man and so I believe again, you are right, he does not want to talk about this. I'll let him off the hook and just be his friend.
Thanks for responding.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (2 February 2008):
Thanks for your update.
From your description of him, I think he is intimidated by you and secondly he is not in a strong financial position. He does not initiate the phone calls to you and have told you about awful at calling you.
The real reason could be that he is trying to save the cost and want you to call instead. He is not married and has no kids. Why is he so hard up? Where does all his money went? This guy could be a miser or could not afford those calls but only want to impress when he is in your presence.
He enjoys talking to you when you call and you are always the one that have to hang up. If I am a man, I would call you up daily to chat since it is so enjoyable.
It looks like he can only afford to flirt with you, a true gentleman but who because of circumstances is unable to fully relish his full potentials. He can only be a friend to you and which he felt better and freer to express than a potential mate .
He is intimidated and feels that he cannot be a good provider and this is what is holding him back from further relationship on a higher level. He does not want to talk about this relationship with you as it will expose his shortcomings.
I am afraid, he is the non committal type of man and marriage is out of question.
Your friend is more suited to be a male social escort.
You can only be friends and enjoy his flirty attentions and do not hope too much.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLaura1318,
Here is an update for you. The guy did not respond to my text. I couldn't take it anymore because we are friends too so I called him a week ago Wednesday and asked him if he would have time for coffee over the weekend. I mentioned that I was in Florida on business and would be back late Friday. He texted me right back saying how lucky I was to be in Florida as the weather was bad where we live. No mention about coffee. By Saturday I was a little upset so I called and left a message to the effect "what is going on here with us, can you please call me so we can talk about this?" He always tells me I don't stand up for myself enough so I mentioned in the phone call that I was trying to stand up for myself.
Well, he didn't return my call or text me. On Thursdays he comes to my office for school in the afternoon. I sent a text message asking him if he could stop by at break time and say hello. I said I was ok, not mad. He sent a text message back right away saying "not going to school, migraine. call you tomorrow." Well, he did not call.
To give you a little background this man is very intimidated by my position, education and age (a bit older than he is). He has told me he wants to impress me and really treat me nice but he is at the moment broke and trying to work every bit of OT he can. He hasn't been in a relationship in over 10 years, never married, no kids. We have been friends and really enjoy flirting and talking to one another for about 9 months. We worked together and because we wanted to date I changed jobs to work at a different location. He was upset because now he doesn't see me all the time and he misses me, but he encouraged me to take the new job which was a promotion. He is also trying to get a job at the same office. (In the old job I was a manager not to him but it wouldn't have worked if we dated.) I told him that he could see me when ever he wants. All he has to do is call me. But he says he's no good at calling. I've called him and we've talked on the phone for anywhere between 60-90 minutes. I'm always the one who has to say goodbye first because he says he really enjoys talking to me. The last conversation we had was when he asked me out right at the beginning of the call. We then talked for another 90 minutes.
With him, when I am with him (in person, on the phone) it is soooo good but he won't initiate any kind of communication.
So, am I delusional? Is this guy really messed up as far as relationships go? I am pretty sure he is not playing me. There was no sex yet so he didn't use me. I've been trying to give him every indication that I was interested because he is so intimidated by me and he tells me he just doesn't have a good self esteem. I've seen that he doesn't in the way he talks about himself. So what do you think. It would be really nice if I could just talk to him about this but right now, he's not letting me in.
Do you have any thoughts on what is going on here. PS I am DearKelja but don't want everyone to know it's me.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (21 January 2008):
That is well done. Now,the ball is at his feet.Your waiting game begins.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell, ok, I did try to call him but he didn't answer his phone. I know when he doesn't want to take a call he sends his calls directly to voice mail. So, he's not with his phone or it is off or dead. He does have a habit of leaving it at work or leaving the charger at work. He can't get at it when he does that.
So, I sent him a text "Thank you for Thurs, it was memorable. You are an impressive man. I'm reading The Kite Runner now. (book he suggested I read) See you soon."
At this point, I'll wait for his move. Do you think this was ok to do?
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (20 January 2008):
It is not he is not interested in you but he wanted to know if you have the same interest in him by calling him up.He wanted you to initiate the call.This would prove to him of your interest in him.He wanted to seek further confirmations.This is just speculating on my part. He could have forgotten it due to his work schedule or for any other reasons best known to him.
Sending him thanks for the dinner is not compulsory but it would show your gratitude and will make him feel better .A word of thanks does not cost much but it will mean you are thoughtful and appreciate his company.
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