A
female
age
36-40,
*Lindy87
writes:Dear cupids, I just got back from playing Bingo at this bar with my best friend and her boyfriend. There has been some underlying issues with my best friend and me for awhile now. I walked out of the place pissed off and offended at what she said to me. I just want to know if I over reacted and if I should be the one to confront her and apologize to get our friendship back or if she should be, I guess I'm wondering who is in the wrong here. Or if this friendship is even worth having anymore. background info: we've been friends for 16 years since we were 7 years old, we are both 23/22 years old. This may seem immature of us to fight, but even adults argue :/So here was the situation, she is in a relationship now for 8 months and before that she was dating someone else for two years. Both guys were crazy about her, I'm single and tend to keep my options open and go on dates with a number of men, I have gotten sexual with some of them but I think that is my own prerogative. She said that its annoying that I don't commit to one guy and that I change my mind about wanting a boyfriend a lot. I just don't want to settle for someone I'm not crazy about before I commit. I haven't slept with anyone in three months and haven't even been thinking about dating since the last guy I went out with, whom I went on three dates with and we didn't do anything at all sexual, so I'm not going around sleeping with every guy I meet. That being said, this is what our fight was about, she said that its annoying how I change my mind and don't keep to one guy and settle down. I'm 23, I don't feel like I need to yet until I find someone I'm head over heels for. In the meantime, I will go on dates, have a good time, use my own judgment should things get sexual and make my own decisions. She said I sleep with 'random' guys, which I do not. I have before when I was 18/19 years old but I'm passed that,(like at parties, not like prostitution) however, I have slept with three guys earlier this year but they were not random and I thought things were going somewhere, I've known two of them for a long time and one not so much, but I thought we had good chemistry. I'll admit naive thinking on my part, but when I asked her to look at who I am now and not who I have been in the past she goes "well I can only assume you'll do it again" and I go "well then please don't judge me because for the last three months I've been working on school, doing p90x and really trying to improve myself" and she gave me a look that implied that she could judge me all she wants, that is when I stormed out of the bar. Btw we WERE NOT drunk, each of us had one beer. She hasn't texted, called or stopped by my apartment after I left. She's a very stubborn person and her boyfriend parked his car in my parking lot and I'm sure I saw them arrive here and just leave. She said I was taking things out of context and getting defensive but those were her exact quotes she said to me and I felt they were mean and not something a best friend should be saying to someone else. I know that a good friend will tell you when you're doing something wrong, but I haven't been sleeping with anyone lately and she wasn't presenting this in a concerned friend way, her tone was painted with judgement and opinions. So please, let me know what I should do. Should I talk to her about it and ask her to meet me in person so we can overcome this? Or should I wait to see if she is willing to fix it? Or what? I'm really scared to do the second choice because she's a lot more stubborn than I am and I'm more of a pushover, so I feel like she might just assume I'll apologize and fix it all.Thank you for the advice!!!
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female
reader, LLindy87 +, writes (22 August 2010):
LLindy87 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks guys! Well right after this happened and I wrote this my sister had her baby and this didn't seem as important anymore. Eventually I talked to my friend and told her that my sister had a baby girl named Violet.
I decided to still be her friend and work through this. I basically have to set boundaries, like today for instance she sent a text saying one of my exes is dating someone now that 'looked like a crack whore' and I go "well, yeah I saw that he was in a relationship now, which is good for him, awesome" and she goes "ur no fun, just humor me" and i go "sorry, but I don't know this girl and I honestly don't care who he dates lol" and she goes "mhmm okay" and so I didn't go along with the gossip like I normally would even though I didn't like it before either.
I'm thinking that as long as I don't go along with the gossip side of her that she won't be so negative around me and therefore we may get along better. I'm also going to give us space and not bother her with any future guy drama I might have, unless she asks or if I'm really puzzled about a situation I find important enough to share.
thanks again for the advice :)
A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (20 August 2010):
 I think your friend is concerned about her boyfriend. It may be possible that he is jealous of you and thinks that if she goes out alone with you, you being single, that means she is trying to meet other guys. I think instead of dealing with his pressure, whether it is spoken or implied on his part, she is just frustrated and taking it out on you wishing that you would just find a boyfriend so all four of you could go out together and her boyfriend would trust her more.
I would personally, just give her some space, and I wouldn't be begging for an apology or giving her one. You did nothing wrong and she's just blowing off steam and she is the one being rude to you, as you said she wasn't showing concern really for you, but instead anger and rejection, and that isn't very friend like.
You have been friends with her for a very long time, and I think that friendships like that can end for some pretty common reasons, like growing apart, love relationships, different career goals, etc.
But they can also come back together at any time at all too. My hope for you is that you find some other friends who are women that you can also rely on, this one girl cannot be your only source of guidance and support as that is a pretty narrow view, and since you have known each other do long, you're more like sisters than friends, and it is really hard for her to be nonjudgemental in certain areas, especially the romantic ones. If you ever complain about a guy, she's not going to like him immediately so her advice will not be objective.
This means she probably loves you alot, but can't seperate herself from you enough to see you have your own identity...so you did the right thing tonight, you set your boundary with her and you stood up for yourself. You don't need her to approve of how you feel about yourself, if you are happy with how you are living your life, than so should she be. Accept your differences and you'll get along a whole lot better. She sounds like she really needs a man in her life to define herself where you are more self posessed. Me and my best friend are similar and we have gone through some ebbs and flows with our friendship and that's just part of a long term friendship.
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A
female
reader, lexydana +, writes (20 August 2010):
 Best friends is for one not a label, its a promise, this is yes on both oarts but I would think mainly hers. She should not have implied that you were sleeping with anyone and everyone. Me and my best friend are the same she likes long ans steady and I like to keep my options open. You guys should make a mutual agreement. Her saying she wont butt into you lseeping with men of your choice. And you for not disliking her choice to settel down so fast and so young. I think that you need to confront her. Then talk things out, then see how things play out.
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