A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello to everyone. I am thinking I will get the best answer from a woman, but will take advice from anyone. My situation is... About ten months ago my wife told me that she was completely unhappy and didn't want to be married anymore. I am completely dedicated to her. She and my two boys (1 and 3) are my life. I tried everything I could to try and save our marriage, but it just didn't work. In fact it seemed to drive her further away. After bring split up for about two months, we were about to finalize the divorce and she said she didn't know if divorce is what she wanted anymore. Within maybe two weeks we were back together and within a month lived together and felt more in love than ever. I am 25 now, she is 24 and we decided to buy our first house together because we thought we had figured out what our problems were and would get through anything if we had got through that. So now is present time. Everything seemed to be fine with my wife and I till about a week ago. Until last week we would spend nearly every minute together that I wasn't working. Now all of a sudden she is wanting to get out of the house all the time and it seems like everything I say just pisses her off just like it used to. I love her more than anything and just like spending time with her and now get my feelings hurt and get jealous that she never wants to be around me all of a sudden. I don't know what to do and don't know why this would be happening all of a sudden. One more factor is that her best friend and I don't get along very well. I try to just stay out of their way, but she is either always here, or always texting or talking to her when we are sepposed to be spending time together. I think her friend is actually trying to ruin our marriage so it bothers me even more when she goes over there all of the time and bails on me and any plans we had. Please help with any advice. Thank you. Keep in mind that it is very hard to talk to her about anything without her getting upset
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2009): just don't be her doormat. if she is cheating then she will use you financially until she makes up her mind to leave for good. don't gie in too much then she would know that she can use and abuse you at her will. this going out of the house to clear "her mind" is fishy. tell her to go clear her mind in the next room or the garden. she is runnig to someone each time she leaves you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2009): Hey this is the guy who asked the question. This is the first time I have ever used a site like this so I don't know if this is how I am supposed update any news or not, but oh well.
Thought I would let you guys know the latest. I am thinking she is getting depressed again, but don't really think it's due to me. She cried to me yesterday because she misses her sister who lives across the country so much I guess. I think she has a lot of stress in her life right now and maybe links it to our marriage, but always takes it out on me cause she knows I will always be here. Then she likes to get out of the house to get her mind off it. It's funny how many answers I got on giving her space because I would normally I agree with that, but when we first split up she blamed it mainly on me spending too much time on my hobbies. (fishing, shooting) I realized what was important to me and realized I didn't spend as much time at home as I should so I changed and drastically cut down on the amount of time I do those things. Hardly ever now. I don't mind though. I am even more happy spending time with my family than fishing. I guess all I can do is wait and see what happens. I know that I am a wonderful husband and father so if she decides the single life is what she wants again I will just have to know it's not cause of me and i should not beat myself up and make is seem my fault. Thanks for all the responses. They are appreciated
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): You sound like a good husband but I sense you are a bit insecure and paranoid. Could she want to spend time away from you because whnever she does you don't like it? It is unreasonable to expect her to spend all her time with you. She is allowed to spend time with friends, even if you don't like them very much.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): your wife is playing away. she doesn't know what she wants and she is using you. don't be a fool. she went away for a reason, was she faithful to you while seperated. i am certain NO. NOW that the normalcy of life has returned she wants her freedom. she is using you as a baby sitter to take care of the kids while she gets rocked elsewhere. why is she dictating the terms of the marriage. take a good hard look at your marriage and make some hard decisions, it will save you in the long run. she is home only for the goodtimes, after the holidays she will be up to her old tricks again, if not already. open your eyes, she is up to no good.
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A
male
reader, mr toyboy  +, writes (8 December 2009):
Am suspecting your wife is having a thing with this freind of hers.Have you ever suspected her of liking women?
In my opinion, i think something is going on behind your back.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): May be she feels like she is traped. You guys are very young already 2 kids, may she feels like she has no life of her own, always w/you, every free minute. Give her a little space, see how that goes.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl +, writes (8 December 2009):
 Hun, drag her off to marriage counselling - she obviously doesnt know what she wants and is easily influenced by her friend.If after marriage counselling she still cannot make up her mind, then go ahead and file for divorce...I suspect this friend of hers is single and enjoying the single life with all the men and your wife then looks at her life, boring, at home with kids and a hubby.... Your wife should be working with you towards sorting out the problems in the marriage NOT running off to be with her friend.So you are going to have to be tough here and start calling the shots....
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (8 December 2009):
 Ask he if she is in the marriage or not. Tell her if she wants to be married she needs to agree and work on it being a two way street. Tell her if she wants to be with her friend so much you dont have a problem carting all her clothes over there, just so long as she realises you aint a gunna cart them all back.
Tell her its crunch time, either she is married or she isnt, and if you are going to stay married organise some counselling for you both, if she is going to bail, organise some counselling for yourself.
Good luck with it, she sounds like hard work!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): so what if it gets her upset. That is part of a relationship... up downs, in and out... but always my best friend and priorty is my partner.
part of the problem here is communication. sometimes we have to say things that people will not like. sometimes we say exactly how we feel and it hurts them. aka (calling them out on their bs) but it gets your point accross.
for example:
wife: Im going over to "candys" house.
response: I thought we had plans to spend the evening?
wife: I didn't think you would mind.
wife leaves and goes to friends house.
husband should have said ... I hate it when you break plans with me for someone else. If our marriage and myself are not that important then you should pack your bags and plan to stay since she is obviously more important than this family.
as for the best friend.. .make a choice... I would not normally recomend this.. but, she is obviously making the choice to be with the friend instead of working on her marriage. Myself, I got rid of the friend who was part of the problem in my relationship.
it seems to me you both lack communication and from what youve written you walk on egg shells so as not to piss her off. This will do one thing, (help her out the door) tell her what she dosen't want to hear.
notice that when you went through and were going to go for divorce "oh she wanted it then".... (we all want what we cant have)
she wanted it because you stood up and were strong and independent from her.
if you want her to be the woman she wants to be you have to be a man and quit putting up with the high school bull shit she has been serving you (which btw you have been eating happily with a knife and fork).. we all have needs and if they are not being met then, the option is quit or fix it.
so i recommend that you learn to fight, learn how to be heard, learn to talk, learn to listen to her... but most importantly listen to what your own brain is telling you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): Perhaps give her more time and space to herself?
Don't be persistent in getting your way
Don't make it sound like you complain. Fix the problems you can fix
Come across as a guy who can handle crap that life throws at him
What was her relationship with her dad like when she was young? If it wasn't so good, then that may explain your problems.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): I think you sound like a wonderful man! Your wife sounds a little immature. She has two kids and a husband and they should be priority, not the friend. I would be annoyed if the friend came over all of the time too. I think you have done everything you can to make this work but it takes two that want to make it work. I think I would give her space and start doing some of your own activities. It seems the harder you try then she backs off. Maybe if you back off a bit she will come to you. PLease let me know how you do.
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