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*enn_laddy
writes: Cupid:Hi, my boyfriend and I fight like 2, maybe 3 times a month. Is that healthy? And it's not no little fight either; we usually go at each other worse than cats and dogs. What should I do? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2006): I dont completely agree that it isnt healthy. I think people who are truly in love, and truly care about each other, will feel comfortable enough in the relationship to be honest. If there was no passion between you two, there would be no fighting, because you wouldnt care enough. I do think that if its over the same thing, and its an unresolved issue, you need to work it out, or else it'll be one of those annoying things that will be there forever.
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reader, Calidus +, writes (18 December 2005):
Hmm how long have you been together? as many couples often experience this after a certain time has passed, where everything is starting to get into the open, and many fights can ensure, but will usually be made up within a day or so after the incident, i did this with my current girlfriend after about 6 months and well we passed that patch and are going on close to a year later.. and we were freinds for about 6 months b4 we hooked up as well..I must disagree with the other comments, i say although these problems need to be resolved.on the + side all your feelings are out in the open with each and are learning what each other needs and often clashes about these may occur.. Try and talk to your partner about these fights, who knows maybe you can resume your relationship stronger.. but if the fights are very violent and hurtful to your both you both definatly need ti sit down and discuss about what causes these fights and why?
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reader, kellyO  +, writes (17 December 2005):
 No its not healthy my dear. try and figure out what causes the problem and both of you should work on it. wishing u the best.
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reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (17 December 2005):
 No, it's not healthy. Full stop. Fighting with each other, regularly, "like cats and dogs" isn't a normal emotional outlet. It means you're both out of control.
A place to start fixing it is to ask yourself what you're fighting about. What starts it? Who starts it? When does it happen? How does it go from a disagreement to a full-on fight? What ends it? Do you fight about the same things, or different things each time? What would happen if one or the other of you ignored it?
Once you get a feel for what's causing it, you can take steps to defuse fights BEFORE they happen. For example, are you having fights about money (really common problem)? Maybe you need to speak to a financial counsellor about ways to budget your funds in a fair way. Or you need to keep your finances separate, for example.
Are your fights over petty jealousies? Maybe one or both of you need to address some self-esteem issues.
Are your fights just mindless violence, because you're both drama queens who crave excitement and love the make-up sex? (That's amazingly common too.)
The point is, that what you're doing right now is tearing down your relationship as it stands. Keep going on this way and eventually there'll be nothing to save. Besides, you don't really want to endure a lifetime of fights with this person - 3 times a month, no less! - do you? How depressing!
Start making some mental notes about what causes your fights, what the basic problem is, what sets them off, how they escalate, what he said, how you responded, what he said then etc... all the way through to how it ended.
Once you have some of that information you can - assuming your boyfriend is normally sensible and calm - approach him about how to short-circuit the fights when they look like starting. The only way to tackle this one is to point out that you don't want to fight and that you have some ideas about what's causing it. Hopefully, he also wants to live calmly, without arguments and will work with you.
One final thought: if the fights are always one of you attacking the other over imagined slights - things like "You're dressed like a whore!" or "Your friend is trying to make you hate me!" - then you might find there isn't any simple solution. Some people are very controlling, to the point of abuse, and they're not interested in fixing the source of conflict. What you do if you find yourself in a relationship with an abuser is run, run, run. And you don't look back.
Good luck, whatever you do.
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