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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: Hello there! I have written before so some of you may recognise the outline facts but any help would be so valued.I have a wonderful partner who was my first love when I was 16. He left Australia to come back to the UK a year ago, which happened because we met the previous summer and fell in love again. He had been in an unhappy marriage from a very young age, but it did last for 24 years which is not bad! He had no warmth from his wife any more, which is why he ate himself almost to death. When we met he was 20 stone and very miserable, with high blood pressure and high cholesterol. He has lost about 5 stone now and we have moved into a lovely house together. He says I have added years to his life and he adores me.I am worried that he has gone too fast for himself. He left his teenage daughters behind (19 and 20 years old actually) and over Christmas has missed them terribly and been very depressed. He has suggested that one day I may like to live in Australia. He has talked about selling this house, which we have only just moved into because he is worried about affording it.I suddenly feel as though everything, including my new home is just a dream and he has rushed so fast to put down roots, but now he has them he can not settle down. I badly need to relax and enjoy this house and I am angry that he has made me feel like it is a mirage. I have had a turbulent emotional life and I thought I would finally find home. We tell each other that we love each other all of the time, but I do not know how to cope with his blackness, guilt and insecurity, I feel insecure myself. As you can guess, I ought to be too old to write my problems on this site and solve them myself!I don't like talking to family because I do not want to involve them, this is personal. Any ideas would be totally valued if you have time.--
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Lilly223  +, writes (3 January 2007):
 Okay, you have a dilemma here. When you decied to have a relationship with your partner he was not happy in his current situation. I believe that he was looking to YOU to make him happy. (Making someone else happy is something no one can do... you can add to their happiness, but not MAKE it...follow that?) It sounds as if he is grasping at straws, wandering around for that one thing that will MAKE him happy, be it a new relationship, a relocation, a new home, etc. Until HE decides what it is that will make him feel content, secure, and happy, you will continue to feel "guilt and insecurity." (Which, by the way, you shouldn't be feeling... his inner feelings are NOT your responsibility.) Your partner sounds depressed and should seek counseling to talk about his unsettled feelings. If he was very unhappy in his previous relationship, used food to comfort himself, and was in it for 24 years, he probably doesn't know 'who' he is anymore. A lot has changed... relationship, relocation, weight loss, etc. I would suggest that, along with encouraging him (and you too, if you feel the need) to go to counseling, but REFUSE to move again until you both are feeling mentally healthy, secure in your relationship, and able to make a JOINT decision on what your future holds.
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