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*om-Tenn
writes: Living together after a 9 year relationship breakup - HELP!! This is a followup question to a previous discussion because my partner and I did decide to officially break up after a 9 year relationship. We still love each other dearly, but as best friends not lovers. We just moved to a new town and bought a house together. We both LOVE the home and neither want to move. However, the thought of either of us dating is still difficult especailly if the new person ever visits the house. Even the "I'll be home late" messages will cause a knife in my stomach. He is chatting online very often and will definately start going out. I am making friends as well and will probably find a romantic interest at some point as well. Sooo, how in the world can we live together in harmony, stay emotionally connected for each other, while fulfilling our romantic interests with other people. For reference, he broke up with me 3 weeks ago saying he had grown apart over the last couple of years. Credit goes to him for being honest, but I am obviously the one that is more emotionally hurt. But surprizingly, the mention of me dating is still hurtful to him. He said his feelings are hard to discribe but he feels like he still has the emotional connection of a boyfriend without the sexual interest. I know many people out there have been through this and physically separating is just simply not an option for us. The don't ask, don't tell approach may work but what about the emotional distress that accompanies that. Looking for help! Thanks all!!
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male
reader, staloneuk +, writes (22 September 2006):
 Hi, You are in a catch 22 situation where you know that you are emotionally connected to your partner, and that due to the problems that you have expressed, you don't know which way to turn!
If he has phisical relations with another person, you will be gutted, and it will be just the same the other way around.
You should either part now on good terms and with a clearly defined way to devide your assets, or both seek help in trying to come together again as before.
What is obvious is the fact that you are the one who will be hurt the most, and therefore you should protect yourself by ending the relationship on your terms.
You sound like a very noce person, and you have great value's, and you can survive without him no matter what!
End it, and close that chapter in your life, then open a new one!
You will be fine if you keep your head on, and control the situation to suit you and to meet your needs.
There are a lot of people out there who are waiting, hoping, praying, and desperately seeking that certain someone.
Good hunting.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2006): Let him go 100%, do you and he'll do him. In order to get closer, you may need to cut the blood flow completely. Give it 1 yr or 2. I know it sounds painful but it's for the best in the end. After the 1st or 2nd year, if you don't long for eachother then you know you made the right decision, and if you do long for eachother then the answer will be clear to the both of you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2006): Then don't date others for the remaining year and both of you get some individual counselling so you don't jeapordize the contract...which doesn't sound quite right to me; why would you sign a contract that would make the two of you live together?? The loan already came through yes? So what exactly are the terms of the agreement of this house? I think that is an odd clause to put in a contract; two people have to be living in the home purchased???
Get a lawyer's perspective on how to split the property and if there is a loophole to the contract.
Be friends. Stave off the sex. Work with a counsellor to help you sort out and deal with the impending end of this co-habitation.
With a counsellor, the both of you can make an agreement or even with a mediator on how to live together, lay down some ground rules, and work out who gets what in the end.
Good Luck.
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male
reader, Tom-Tenn +, writes (1 September 2006):
Tom-Tenn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow...you all have really helped fuel my thought process. Getting away does seem like the answer. But, I want to point out one thing that I might not have made clear and that is the fact that we bought the home together. I contribute much more financially and I know that will strengthen many of your comments. However, we are contractually bound to both be residents for at least one year here. It is part of our loan contract and helped us obtain a very good mortgage rate. Not to mention, we are also joint landlords on another property as well. So I assume one could move out, but it would jeprodize our contract. AND we cannot sell the house for at least one year as well based on the loan contract. We are both very civil and truely enjoy each others company. Since we have not been intimate for so long, we are living much like we have been for the last couple of years. Professional counciling may open up some doors, but for now we have no choice but to live in the same home. Again, you all have offered some top notch advice and anything else you would like to add is greatly appreciated.
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male
reader, Lostandalone  +, writes (1 September 2006):
 Sorry, I hit the "Add your answer" button before I was finished.
People like him feel like they have been in a relationship for so long that they are missing something out in the streets. In reality they are only fooling themselves into believing that there is something better or someone better. Saying that you have grown apart is only an excuse to go out and do what he wants to without the guilt of cheating. At the same time, having you as a back-up plan or a spare when things don't go as they planned. In his self-concious he knows you are what he wants thats why hes still holding you there. Once he experiences this and realize what he was looking for he already had he will bring his sorry ass back to you and expect things to be the way they were.
Its up to you to figure out if you want to proceed with this or not. I know love is a very powerful thing and in this case the idea of love or idea of what love was is hard to except especially if you see the object of your affection on a daily basis. I'm not saying to stop loving or to seek vengence by seeing someone else because to use someone in this manner would make you just as bad as him. Get away and take time to sort out what you want to do. Then approach him with your conclusion and let it go from there. In this situation he is the only one winning.
Any new guy you find will not be happy with this arrangement, not if he is serious about you. Believe me he knows this. By telling you the things he is telling you like him being hurt by you being with other people is only playing on the feelings that you have for him. Get Away and think. You need it. Good Luck.
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male
reader, Lostandalone +, writes (1 September 2006):
This is a very difficult situation. Me personally, couldn't deal with it. Its hard enough being in the same city with the one you but being in the same house is unreal!!! One of you has to make a choice. Sometimes you have to lose in order to gain. I think its like Yos said. He's having his cake and eat it too. At any given point he can ask you to work it out and you will. You have to seperate and face the pain alone, grieve the relationship on your own terms. Let him feel how his life would be without you.
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male
reader, Ponungalungb +, writes (1 September 2006):
 Hey Yos, speak for yourself with your "classic male advantage taking". The guy you're responding to is a male for crying out loud.
I've seen plenty of women do the same thing. Is that "classic female advantage taking?"
One of these two guys needs to move out and they both need to move on. Good luck!
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reader, Yos  +, writes (1 September 2006):
 Simple answer: you can't!
How will your future date feel about being with someone who still lives with their ex, and remains together in harmony with them, and emotionally connected? Anyone with a shred of self esteem will stay away. And rightly so. What a catch! Someone who still lives with their ex and won't cut the cord.
You are attempting the impossible. You have two choices;
- Split up. Properly. One or both of you has to move out. You need to financially and emotionally disconnect.
- Get back together and make it work.
Right now you are in some unsustainable limbo that will cause both you torment.
To be frank, I think he is taking you for a ride. Now he gets to try it on with various other women, whilst you remain obidiently by his side in case he changes his mind. It's classic male advantage taking... have your cake and eat it, and have some more on the side too. Adolescent fantasy. I think, by allowing this situation, you are opening yourself up to emotional abuse. The fact that you are giving him credit for being honest in all of this is frightening. If you two were being honest with each other you wouldn't be in this mess.
You want a relationship with him? You have it on your terms or not at all. Not some strange middle-ground that will be your undoing. You need an about turn on your perception of this situation, I think you are refusing to see reality.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2006): Well Honey what has happened to the suggested couple's therapy I proposed? What about individual therapy?
It sounds like there is a lot of co-dependancy which will make it tough and there will be a lot of suffering for both parties.
It's time to make a life decision Sweetie. Both of you need to do this. You can't just live together and wait for the other to date first. You don't have a "clean" break and you don't have any emotional ties severed so how can you both heal and move on?
You either need to pack up and move or he does.
Please seek individual counselling and hang in there Honey. I still say a couples counselor would do wonders for you both...may push you to both make that final leap for closure.
*hugs*
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