A
female
age
,
*RM
writes:I am 51 years old. I have been married for 30 years. I met my husband 30 years ago and married him in 2 days. We remain in a marriage. This is not a marriage I want to continue as is. About 15 years ago, I decided to stop having sexual relations with my husband. Because he would emotionally abuse me when we weren't having sex, I got tired of the see saw effect. Also, during the period of marriage while we had sexual relations, I often found condoms of my husbands. My tubes have been tied for 15 years, so I didn't understand why he needed condoms. He said it was to jerk off in, to avoid making a mess. The abuse continued, but the sex stopped. He still find unused condoms in his car, in his dresser, and recently in the washer. My husband and I have always worked opposite shifts of full time jobs, all the 30 years. Now he stays busy on our farm 35 miles away from our house. I don't understand why he needs condoms to go to work on the farm. I am a Christian woman, so this if very difficult to understand. I can't talk to my husband about this, he gets very defensive, and tells me I don't like to have sex, this is why he has to jerk off in the condoms. My husband keeps us in deep debt, and demands my paycheck each payday, or else he threatens to make trouble, like not pay the bills, not take our daughter to school, and other things I depend on him to do. Is my husband cheating on me, and how can I get out ot this marriage, he won't give me a divorce.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2010): If you refuse to have sex with him why do you care if he has sex with someone else? It could hardly be called "cheating" at that point. That being said it sounds like it is not a good marriage. Go and talk to a lawyer as a first step.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2010): Yes he has been cheating. You can't seriously think he's gone 15 years without sex.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2010): Dear lady,
At this age, when you have spent more than half life togethor and both of you have spent 2/3 rd of life span.
I would not doubt that there is lot in the your marriage.
1) I used condoms and masturbated also many times because as normal, my wife do not like it daily. So i feel that is no problem at all and i can tell you that most of the husbands are doing it.
2) I feel that you have stopped sex with him is again a emotional blackmail to him. my apology but i can tell you would have been equally bad to your DH.
3) About finances etc, it is perfectly normal to see these conversations and arguments in every couple in which both are earning equally. I do not feel that is any reason to be worry about and complain about. Obvsiously if he is asking you to spend money in the family, this is why probably you are earning also.
so in a nut shell, my advice is that you have no problem at all except may be some usual ego - battle that is normal between couples.
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A
male
reader, Red Green 0289 +, writes (16 April 2010):
You two have a bad situation, and you two should have addressed your problems years ago. It sounds like you both have been retaliating on each other- him first, then you second, and now it's gone on for 15 years+.
I've never heard of anyone needing condoms to jerk off- it sounds like a lie (in a huge way). You need to look into your heart and determine what the right thing to do is and then do it. You like in the US, and men do NOT have to agree to "give" a wife a divorce. You get an attorney, have him served with divorce papers and get it done... this is not a hostage situation, unless you allow it to be.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (16 April 2010):
 Really, where is the foundation of your marriage, or what would you consider such foundation to be? This marriage is really just reading between the lines. "You won't give sex, so I found it elsewhere." etc. I believe under the circumstances and validated by his defensive behavior, you're correct as to those condoms not being used for masturbation.
Your marriage is developed around his control over you. He's manipulative in his behaviors. "Do this or I'll", should never be part of a marriage. It crosses from appropriate behavior to being inappropriate. These behaviors no only violate the foundation of what a marriage is, but are also illegal as they symbolize acts of "domestic violence."
If you work with a domestic violence victims advocate, they can assist you in filing for divorce. He may not give you one, but as someone who is in your situation, the judge will order one. He would have no say as to if that took place or not.
I'd also like you to think about why it's okay to be in a relationship and be treated this way? This really isn't a loving marriage, and what's going on inside it doesn't seem as if it's going to change the way you may want it to.
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A
male
reader, Kenj  +, writes (16 April 2010):
 I am sorry to read your story, you sound like a strong woman to have put up with his abuse for so long.
Its clear from what you say that he does not love you, he is using and controlling you nothing else. That is not how a marrige should be.
You do have grounds for a divorce, but it sounds like your staying because you are scared of either him or loosing what financial security is left.
You should seriously think about where you want your life to go from here, at least go and see a lawyer and see what your options are.
There are other places you can go and stay with or without your daughter.
It's your call, use your instinct and ask for help.
I truly hope this works out for you, you have taken so much abuse from a man you once loved.
PS. The condom thing, may be partially true, however masturbation is generally a private thing, you would not really take them in the car and to work unless he is a sex addict. He may be leaving them arround for you to find on purpose, trying to make you jelleous perhaps?
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A
female
reader, devastated2010 +, writes (16 April 2010):
you sound like a very sweet woman. I think maybe you might be answering your own question. it sounds indeed like he may be doing something behind your back. if he is emotionally abusive you don't need or deserve that. think u may want to consult a lawyer and start keeping some of your pay on the side. have faith in god n good luck to you my dear!
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A
female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (16 April 2010):
 If your not happy for a multitude of reasons then divorce him, .. however he may actually be telling the truth about masterbating with a condom. I know people that do that for sanitary purposes, ...except since they are being sanitary they actually put them in the bin, ... not leave them lying here there and everywhere like your hubby does.
You would think tho, that if he really was cheating and wanting to deny it, that he might be a bit more contientious about disposing of them without leaving anything to call his actions in to question. Perhaps the fact that he is so grossly lax about it indicates he does not actually have anything to hide.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (16 April 2010):
 Go to your lawyer and he will advise you .You could divorce because of incompatibility, mental and emotional abuse and having no conjugal rights.
You do not need him to agree with the divorce.You can seek a divorce whether he likes it or not.
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