A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:This is the picture. I am 56 my partner 53My 4 year relationship with my partner has suffered a major set back after over 1 year of continued arguments and disputes regarding the attitude between my partner and my 12year old daughter so much so that my partner has now left the home stating she still loves me but cannot live with my daughter, and wants now only to date me.Most of the disputes were about my daughter’s care free attitude around the home and that she should be “trained” to do as she was told without question or defiance. I would protest on the fierce way in which my partner would handle my child’s upbringing, as I have brought my child up from 5 years old (after her mother’s death) as a single dad, and my child and I have had a wonderful bond, which has become undermined by the regime in which my partner expects her to behave.My partners daughter (step daughter) is 36 and has always visited the home and frequently entered into the arguments regarding these problems supporting me and my young child against the bad attitude and regime of my partner, much to the annoyance of my partner, causing further bitterness between them. The Stepdaughter’s relationship with her mother has never been good with throw backs of past family issues which they have not resolved.Over the past 4 years I have endeavored to counsel the stepdaughter and partner to bring about love and friendship between them, and to put the past issues behind them, but the anger persist and the problems seem to run too deep for them to successfully reconcile. The stepdaughter has therefore been considered the “black sheep of her family. I have often given pity to the stepdaughter helping her to find her self esteem and independence from her family for her own good, but was ultimately accused of having too much interest in her and my efforts were criticized by my partner. Sadly my partner has now left the home, I have become very sad, depressed and lonely still with a job and child to attend to and on numerous occasions I have shared these sick feelings and sadness with the step daughter who has become sympathetic and supportive. I have asked her why she thinks her mother has become so oppressive towards me and my child, asking her opinions. In short, I am heartbroken of the whole event; the stepdaughter now comes to my aid and we have wept together and she is forming a loving bond towards me.Unfortunately the stepdaughter has given me such comfort that I have now secretly slept with her several times and become very intimate, she has declared that she has always loved me and my child since I met her mother 4 yrs ago, but was never jealous of her mother’s man.I fear now for her, of the outcome within her family, I know that the angry relationship with her mother would certainly become a complete severance and would split her family, with no chance of reconciliation if this was ever known.However I still love my partner despite our differences of opinions towards my young child and she says she wants to continue loving me, and to see me away from the home.Shockingly, I now feel I can love and make love with both the mother and her daughter equally but for different reasons. I never knew this could be possible and it troubles me. What should I do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2008): This cannot end well.
No matter what choice you make you will end up hurting someone.
You say you love the mother... but is that enough? Will she now or ever learn to compromise in regards to your differing opinions on child-rearing?
Now you develop feelings for her daughter. A woman who seems better matched to you and whose emotional bond has developed over many years.
You are going to have to choose one of them. Or none of them.
By choosing none you hurt everyone. Yourself. The daughter and the mother.
By choosing either the daughter or the mother you WILL hurt either of them.
The only thing this comes down to is this: What is best for your own daughter?
Is she served best by a single father. I she served best by a strict (bordering on abuse) regime? Or by a decent relationship between you and this younger woman?
Answer that question and stick with that answer.
There is no easy or painless way out of this.
Flynn 24
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2008): when you get involved with a ready made family,1st thing is to ensure the children respect their parents partners,wether they like or dislike them,also you urself should respect and stand by your partners decision when it comes to behaviour issues,as children have a tendency to play their parents and are happy to sit back and destroy their relationship at wotever cost,only after you break up do you see where you failed your partner and yourself
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (10 September 2008):
 Emily, you're right, here's the link:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/triangle-of-love-ive-become-involved-with-my.html
Honestly, this sounds like a recipe for disaster. You all need to grow up and recognize your patterns of behavior are leading to a perfectly awful environment for the only innocent party, your 12 year daughter.
You're trying to deal with your feelings of loneliness and depression by sleeping with your partner's stepdaughter? And you say you've been trying to help her self-esteem and independence? That's a truly bizarre way of 'helping' her. She's an adult, as are you, and your partner for that matter.
This whole situations screams for professional intervention. You should have called in a family therapist when the problems between your daughter, your partner and you became so large that your partner actually moved out. That should have been clue #1.
Your partner and her stepdaughter should be managing their relationship themselves, not with your 'help' and if they couldn't manage to sort things out, again, time for a family counselor. Clue #2.
And HELLO? Sleeping with your stepdaughter to make you AND her feel 'better'? Um, that's amazingly poor judgement. Clue #3.
Right, stop sleeping with both of them. Call in a family therapist and get to the bottom of your own issues. Don't create a family environment where your daughter suffers and gets a distorted idea of healthy adult relationships.
You're not thinking rationally if you think you can maintain this duplicitous life with the two of them. It's going to end in tears. The best thing you can do is manage the ending of one or both relationships with some professional help.
Good luck, you really are going to need it.
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A
female
reader, sappygirl +, writes (10 September 2008):
 "Shockingly, I now feel I can love and make love with both the mother and her daughter equally but for different reasons."
Okay, you need to wake up from la-la land if you think you can keep this going on.
It's obvious that the step-daughter is sleeping with you to get back and hurt her step mother for whatever pain she caused her. You are just caught in the crossfire.
You are vunerable and need love, I understand that, but I think you need to cut both these women loose. There is way too much drama involved. You have a 12 year old to raise and if you think she is too young to know anything you are dead wrong. kids are so much smarter than you give them credit for.
As for loving your partner. i don't think she is the one for you. Any woman that tells you they only want to be with you and not your child is not cut out for being a step mom to your child. You guys are a package deal, so end it with her. You say you love her, but if you truly did, You would have never slept with her step daughter.
I can tell you the right thing to do, but ultimately it is your decision. You are a grown man, and deep down i believe you are loving the attention these women are giving you. However, you have a child to think about, and if you want what's best for her you need to find a woman that will love her & YOU, and have a healthy, drama free, relationship.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (10 September 2008):
I answered this yesterday.
I think you need to split up from both mother and daughter.
You are going to cause huge problems which ever one you choose.
Accept that you blew it and move on.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2008): Your first priority should be your daughter. I can't understand why you don;t realise this. I am sorry you are so depressed but I am not surprised. I dispute that you can truly love your 'partner' if she behaves so badly to your daughter. I could not love someone who behaved like that to my dog! I don't know about sleeping with your step daughter. What will she expect from you? How will your young daughter cope if she demands a full relationship? Surely you are not only confused but behaving in a most confusing way. Stop thinking of this abusive woman as your partner. Stop sleeping with your step daughter (sex is not everything) and see how you can run your life without either of them. Join societies and stuff if you are lonely. Then, and only then, see how your relationship with your step daughter is - whether it is only based on mutual pity or something more. And ask your young daughter what she needs. Her voice is not being heard at the moment! Good luck.
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