A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hurt and angry about that my ex is about to marry his new girlfriend!Ex and I dated for 4 years. We had talked about marriage-it was a bit of a rocky relationship. He broke up with me, and less than two weeks later, he is already with someone new! (I don't really know her, but I knew of her because she was on his racing team) and now, they've been together less than 3 months and are getting married!It just makes me angry for wasting my time-and why didn't he want to marry me when we were together for so long? I treated him well. A lot of the time he complained about my weight and the fact that I liked to go out to eat instead of exercise. I'm not fat, but I'm definitely not fit and in shape like his soon to be wife!What can I do? It's depressing. :(
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 August 2013):
 I am going to give you my POV
I don't think he was cheating... I think he just didn't want to get married TO YOU....
the problem is that we will as humans seek the path of least resistance and that often means staying in a relationship that while not perfect is acceptable... till the right one comes along...
what was that old song "oh it's sad to belong to someone else when the right one comes along"
I'm 53. I have been married 4 times. My current husband did not believe in marriage and told me he never was getting married. I was fine with that. We got married because he fell in love and wanted that commitment with me. I am his first wife. He was 39 when he married me. Our friends who got married 3 weeks before us were first time bride and groom... the bride 40 and the groom 52.... just took them that long to find the right person and less than 2 years later... pooof they are married.
I am of the belief that most people know fairly early on in a relationship if the person they are with is the one they will marry. Usually within three months.
It does not mean the marriage will last forever but it means that it's what feels right for them.
it also is NOT a reflection on you as a person or him... rather it's a reflection on the relationship... it was good enough for dating but not forever... and that sucks to learn....
A
female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (11 August 2013):
 It does sound like he may have been cheating, but I don't think it's fair for people to jump to that conclusion so assuredly. A good friend of mine got engaged to the first girlfriend he ever had after only one and a half months of dating. Now, they divorced nine years and three children later, but that's beside the point.
He didn't marry you because all the qualities that he wanted in a wife weren't there. That doesn't make him a jerk, and it doesn't make you any kind of a failure or loser. The right chemistry just wasn't there.
I can understand how much that must hurt you after four years of being together, but try to focus on the positive: you're back in the running to meet Mr. Right! This return to being single will give you plenty of time to work on yourself and your own goals as well as explore fresh, new relationships. It may sound sad or daunting, but I promise that it'll only lead to better things.
In the meantime, stop thinking about your ex. Cut off contact with him and challenge yourself not to search him on Google or Facebook - all that'll do is drive you crazy and keep you feeling miserable!
Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2013): He didn't want to marry you because you were not compatible. The relationship was rocky and he didn't like some things about you.
He married her so quick because its possible he had been cheating on you with her already so it really wasn't that new of a relationship. He is a jerk.
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A
female
reader, splash88 +, writes (11 August 2013):
Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but they haven't been together only 3 months... its been a lot longer than that. Regardless of what you want to tell yourself, its probably the truth. I am sorry for you though. Been there, done that. It really does suck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2013): Marriage has to be built on profound love, trust, and mutual attraction.
It is only natural for a couple in a long-term relationship to discuss the possibilities of marriage, and a family in the future.
Discussion is merely a plan, not a promise. An engagement is a promise.
However; you know as well as I do, many factors may arise in the meantime that can change the future.
Your frustration and disappointment is understood, and it is a normal reaction for anyone of us reading your post.
There is always that person, that we thought would be the one. We hoped that anything that could go wrong, would be worked out. That our relationship would withstand the test of time, and we could overcome all obstacles.
My dear lady, my heart more than goes out to you.
Your grief will force you to explore every possible reason to make sense of this situation. You will review your past relationship under a microscope, trying to find what could have possibly changed the course of events. How things would turn out so different from what you had hoped for.
There were problems. The relationship was rocky, and that is the primary reason. You should not be in denial that these conditions are enough to change the direction of your relationship. You both saved each other from a divorce. That would have been the likely outcome of your marriage.
You want to blame something as simple as your weight?
Perhaps it was a factor; but the major reason would be the fact that the relationship was rocky, and it was not what he wanted.
Neither of you took the time and effort necessary to resolve the reasons the relationship was rocky, and your ex was unable to be honest about the fact that he may have been in a relationship months before your breakup.
I'm sure the problems run much deeper than you see now. Look back and re-exam the cause of past arguments, and how they were handled. Frequent fighting and incompatibility was the reason he decided to move on.
Recall all the flaws you noticed in his personality. Things he said and/or did, that deeply hurt you. Times he refused to compromise. Times you were neglected, mistreated, or ignored. Times he showed you disrespect. Things he said in anger; but never apologized for. The things you just swept under the rug and pretended it was okay; because you let love cloud your judgement.
Don't allow your grieving mind to play tricks, and place you in denial. Don't allow your anger and frustration to create distorted scenarios and excuses.
You were an incompatible couple.
That is the core of it.
Anything else, simply added more complications leading to the final outcome.
Jealousy and anger are making you avoid the fact that you were over-looking the problems in your relationship.
You even over-look the fact that you ducked a bullet. The relationship was destined for failure; and you were trying to push a circle into a square-peg.
It was not working. It couldn't be fixed. It ended.
He loves someone else; so you have to face the ugly reality and start working on your recovery. You must heal and put this behind you.
Look at all the ugly and unmitigated facts. Your emotions are based on all the wrong things.
Your reaction to this is understandable, only because of the unfortunate circumstances; and how badly it is affecting you.
Not the fact that he found someone else. You both failed to end the relationship when you realized it wasn't working.
You obviously didn't know how to iron out the problems that you had. You were going to breakup at some point anyway.
Him getting engaged so soon is just adding insult to injury; but it really doesn't matter, if its over anyway.
You clung to it for four years, and I'm sure the cracks started showing long before that. You didn't take measures to sure up all the fissures in the relationship, and it broke under pressure.
I would suspect that all the females viewing your post will paint him as a villain, a cad, the ultimate male ass-hole.
The truth is, he did you a big fat favor. He gave you a reason to hate him, and move on faster. He gave you fuel to do everything humanly possible to get your life back. You have built-in motivation to show him that you will make it on your own. You are now your own woman.
You cannot change the course of events as they are now.
You can't see the positive side of all this when you're looking through the pain of heart-break. So, too much talk in that direction will miss the mark for now. I will simply plant the seed, and you will see the benefit of my advice when all the dust settles.
He apparently found someone else. This may have been one of the factors your relationship wasn't working out. He may have been stringing you along for whatever reasons; but now you are free to pursue something true and real.
You obviously have insecurities that require work.
No relationship will last when there are insecurities that makes anyone feel poorly about themselves. If he was as superficial, as to allow weight and appearance to be a deciding factor over true love, for you as you are; then you've ducked yet another bullet.
Words are meaningless in your present state. They bounce off like little pebbles. You need to hear words that make you feel instantly better. We should all rally to your support, and tell you he is a jerk and he did you wrong.
He got out of your life and now you can devote your time to taking care of you. It's time for you to change and grow.
To tweak those personal issues that caused discord in your past relationship. You can now rebuild your self-esteem.
There are two-sides to every story. The male-side of it, isn't always the one making all the mistakes.
It's a long road to recover, sweetie. So you are going to have to look forward, and not hold yourself in limbo.
You're wasting your time and energy. He obviously isn't worth it at this point in time.
You got a lot of work to do. You won't start until you see things as they are. You need to get past the anger first.
Nothing is more painful than the realization someone has moved on so quickly after a breakup, and already found someone else. So you need to rally all your friends for support. Turn to your family to get you through this.
I'm not going to paint any rosy pictures. It's going to be tough; but you have to accept the fact that he now cares for someone else. Now life begins a new chapter for you.
Prepare yourself.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (11 August 2013):
 I am so sorry this happened to you. The same thing happened to me a few months ago. I was devastated! But I'm in a much better place now. I just wanted to add to the already great advice given here, and tell you that it gets better. You'll soon realize just how incompatible the two of you were and how lucky you were to dodge that bullet.
The four years you had together were not wasted. You learned a lot about yourself, and I think you know deep down, if you were married to him, you would not be happy. Anybody who makes you feel like you're not good enough, is not the type of person you want to spend most of your time with.
When his wife starts gaining weight after a couple of kids or change in hormones, and he starts nagging her about losing weight, let's see how long she'll tolerate that. You are the lucky one here. Not her.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (11 August 2013):
 I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. I know the pain and hurt you must be feeling -- especially after spending as much time as you did with him.
The fact is, your boyfriend didn't want to commit to you because, with your own words, it was a rocky relationship and he had complained about your weight. Whether he is justified in complaining about your weight remains to be seen, however, he didn't feel like you were a couple who was meant to be. You should be thanking your lucky stars that you didn't get married and made each other miserable for the rest of your lives.
There could be lots of reasons why he is getting married to his new woman so soon. He may have had her in the wings for a while, he made her pregnant, or simply he feels a very strong connection to her. In my experience 3 months of knowing one another before getting married is usually a recipe for disaster. This could definitely be a rebound marriage proposal to "stick it to you".
I think you need to look at the positives here -- as much as that might be difficult. The fates have something else planned for you and again I can't state strongly enough that if you had indeed gotten married, your marriage would've been just as rocky -- if not more -- than your dating history.
In the meantime, to show you are strong enough, hit the gym. Exercise is a natural anti-depressant. Better yet, find a sport that you enjoy and throw yourself into it. Having a social outlet can also alleviate some of the loneliness. The side effect is that you will get in shape and you will look better and your self-esteem will flourish.
Eddie
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2013): It can't be your shape. A guy who has experience with relationships and girls knows that there are much higher priorities than just how the girl looks physically.
I'd say, during his relationship with you he realized what he had to actually look for, and after you broke up with him he found what he exactly wanted.
Don't be sad or angry. It was not 100% waste of time. You learned a lot about relationships and guys, and now you too know what to look for in the next partner and how to make him want to marry you.
Wish your ex and his bride good luck. We wish you good luck in your next relationship too.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (11 August 2013):
 He has been having a relationship with two of you, probably for a while. He timed it so that it didn't look like he was breaking up with you in order to be with her. It's not uncommon at all for people to jump ship then get married. Sometimes the guy gets married just to ease the guilt that he didn't before, and to disprove others that he was commitment phobic. People don't get married because you spend a lot of time together or it's the right thing to do. You mentioned that your relationship had been rocky. Marriage is not going to solve that. They could be rushing into things. They did not have 4 years to experience each other's weaknesses. A lot of people date with their own idealized selves but when they marry they live with their flaws. Marriage is a gamble.
There is a lot you can do. Some women go into extremes after break ups. Like diets and exercising. Your health is important and that is what you have to focus on.
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