A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating this guy for 3 years now.We met early in the year 3 years ago in a local bar, I was with friends.He told me he was a businessman, I got to meet some of his friends.I'd also been to his house a few times. There were a few women's clothes about, but he said his sister was living there as she was going through a tough time after a break-up and her boyfriend kicked her out. I actually met his sister, she seemed nice.She actually had gone through the breakup and became a good friend to me.He seemed like a great guy, our sex life was good, everything seemd great.He met my parents in June that year, they loved him and were impressed by him. We're from a westernized Indian background so they're not the stereotypical Indian parents you see on British TV.5 months later, we moved in together in a new flat. He'd told me he wanted it as his main home, keep his old house as a second home since it was in a more desirable semi-rural location.He even had social media and the now-cliched #couplegoals hashtag.We went through the lockdown together, we saw that speech by Boris Johnson on 23 March which is now very infamous and a joke, the one with "You must stay at home... unless doing essential shopping etc." although now we know Boris broke lockdown laws he set so it's nonsensical really!He's still got a copy of the lockdown speech taped on our TV's digital recorder, still watches the speech now and then!! In the UK, 23 March has the same significance as 11 September or 4 July, people using it as a reference point date without naming the event.Lockdown was OK for us, although boring as I couldn't work, wasn't allowed to. I got paid like my co-workers but felt unfulfilled at times. My boyfriend couldn't do his job either. It required a lot of meetings and other things. His job required setting up menus, booking guests etc. which obviously wasn't possible during lockdowns!!!But then, 3 years on, he admitted to me yesterday that really, he was married and had been sneaking out during lockdown to see his wife and daughter, and broken lockdown laws himself!I also found out he had a second original Instagram with photos of him and his wife and daughter, the daughter's now 14 years old!To think he laughed about Boris Johnson doing it when he did it!!!!So much for him criticizing Boris, what a hypocrite now when I think about it. So that explains why he took so long shopping, he was seeing his wife and daughter in secret and telling her he couldn't be around long since he had to be in his self-isolation home!!It feels wrong that he went as far as criticizing Boris and then did it himself. Hypocrisy, writ large.I sacrificed a lot of visits to family due to lockdown and he does this?? What is he playing at?I feel angry and lied to. Not to mention I share a bank account with him and am contributing towards a mortgage.I feel like I wasted three whole years of my life with a guy who I really got to know.There was nothing obvious to me he was married, no wedding ring.How the hell did he get away with this sort of thing?I should also add, I'm pregnant too. Early stages of pregnancy, but it's certain he's the father obviously as I've not been with any other guys.Yes, I know I've left it till last thing but it's fairly important to include here.I'm wondering how the hell I could be so blindsided by a guy I thought was great but was still legally married.Now I realize I was used, and I'm worried about how to end things with him.Especially the big stuff like banking and shared bank accounts.I've got a separate bank account too, but I'm now wondering how he'll have managed to get away with having a shared bank account with me, a shared bank account with his wife at two different banks.I should go and see Citizens Advice Bureau but is that really enough?I don't qualify for foodbank help, not that I'd need it, but I don't know what help I'd qualify for.I feel so angry and embarrassed with myself for dating a married man unknowingly.I've read stories on here about how women date married men, but this is completely different, isn't it?I feel like telling his sister that he's got me pregnant since she's my friend. How the hell was she in on that deception though?But as it is, I don't have many friends here, I'm a young Indian woman and my boyfriend's white.I feel really upset, angry and depressed by things.I'm struggling to make sense of it all.How can I cope with the fact that I've wasted 3 years of my life with a married man and never realized it?I feel like moving out of my new hometown which is nice, it's a former mining district town in a valley that's pleasant, due to it being one where many people know everyone else (as it is, me and my boyfriend were newbies when we moved in) but I like it here, and where else would be good value?I'd thought of moving to Slough which is 140 miles away, or Reading which is 130 miles away, for a change of scene, and completely new set of friends, clean-slate start, but my family is 30 miles away in Sheffield and it'd be difficult to see them. What're the pros and cons of that?I feel deceived, am I wrong to get so mad over things and stressed?I'll be a new mum soon which I should be concentrating on but can't let go of the fact I was deceived, bamboozled by this guy.
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female
reader, QueenCupcake +, writes (4 June 2022):
 Definitely get out of this. Find somewhere closer to your family, let them know what’s going on. I know it will be really hard and it might seem embarrassing, but you need them right now. And they will understand. I mean, from what you said in your post, they were fooled by him as well.
I don’t know why his sister and friends were okay with this whole thing. Perhaps he doesn’t have a good relationship with his wife so they thought it was justified because of that, perhaps they just have really low morals. Either way, it was not okay, but there’s nothing you can do about that now. If they were okay to lie about it for this amount of time, they won’t care how it’s impacted you. But it’s not even their place to say anything to be fair, he should never have done this.
I agree with WiseOwlE, definitely get some sort of evidence that the child is definitely his, so that he can’t back out of his responsibilities later on down the line when he tries to deny this whole thing to his wife.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2022): He said he is a businessman? Yet he works for other people doing menial tasks like arranging a meet. That is not a business man. That is a goffer/admin assistant. He says he needs you to help him pay the mortgage yet even then you only get a flat, that is not someone who is successful. He would not be able to have two women and go back and forth between you if he chose a woman who was unemployed and did not pay half the mortgage, he is no great success financially, at work or romantically. He is also a very dishonest and selfish person. His wife may do ok because he pays her bills, but with you he takes as much or more than he gives.
You need to cut your losses as soon as possible in any way you can. Forget about being annoyed with his sister or friends. They are connected to him and owe you nothing.
Their allegiance is to him and they would lie for him even if they do not approve.
Next time take more time in getting to know someone.
Women's clothes in his home would have worried me and got me thinking he is hiding something, it should have for you, regardless of the silly story he told you.
Now ask yourself why he told you the truth - eventually.
Either he wants it to be easier to get out and go and see them without having to sneak behind your back, or he wants you to know so that you end it because he is bored with you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2022): I'm scratching my head as to why his sister never let-on the man was married, and not even his friends mentioned it??? They were all in cahoots; and nobody cared about his wife and daughter. People like that are the lowest of the low! They have no scruples or morals, to bear witness to a married-man cheating on his marriage, and outright condone it. I can see where his male-friends might; but not his own sister and other women. Have you ever met his parents? If you haven't, didn't you ever wonder why?
Well, once the truth is discovered, it's a waste of time lamenting over the should-have, could-have, would-haves. It is what it is!
You won't know what you'll qualify for until you need it and apply for it. You should definitely get the ball rolling on getting child-support if your plan is to find another place to live.
You cannot remain living with a married-man with a kid. I just find it hard to fathom how someone could pull this off for the span of three years without one clue or a slip? His wife must be a clueless fool to allow her husband to be away from her and his kid for so much time; and never attempt to find-out what's going on. I dare to say she has to be pretty stupid! Naive is an understatement. Nobody with a functioning brain is that naive.
You have to be pretty naive yourself.
You've obviously been scammed; so you have to find yourself a place to live. If you're pregnant, it might be best to move as close to family as you can. You need family-support. Why would you live so far from them, when you're about to become a single-mother? You'll need as much help and support as you can get. I guess you're too embarrassed to face them; because they'll be asking all the same questions I've mentioned. I know there are situations where men sometimes have a whole different family; but it's usually men who have to live apart from their families for very long periods for job reasons; or men who travel abroad a lot. Not guys who just happen to get an apartment with his mistress; and drop-in on his wife and kid once in awhile. What woman would put-up with that? She'd be too suspicious of his whereabouts when he's gone too often.
I guess you're venting, but who wouldn't be outraged in such a situation? I just can't see how he could introduce you to friends and his sister without anyone letting the cat out of the bag??? They all put-on an act as if he were single. Seems just a tad bit racist, and the utmost in disrespectful towards you. I would assume they thought you knew he was married, and was just a woman of low morals and ill repute. His sister knows the score, but she just played you like he did! She's no friend, I'll tell you that!!!
My advice is to get a paternity test so he can't deny it's his child. Save-up for a place to live; but I suggest it be close to your family. Hiding miles away from your family to save face doesn't make any sense. Living in remote locations when you're alone is fine; but you will soon have a child to take care of. The child needs a family connection; and you need people you can turn to when times get rough. Friends don't always come through when you need them most. If you move to a new place where you don't know anybody, you'll feel isolated and depressed. Like you feel now!
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