A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I am in a relationship with a guy for the last 1 year. He has been putting me through a lot anxiety. He has been behaving differently for quite some time now. I am always his second priority. His second plan. He goes out with his “friends” in the first half of the day and in the second half he barely spends1 hour with me. As we both have very different jobs, the only day we could meet is sunday. And even on that day he doesnt make time for me nowadays. I never suspected him of cheating until an incident which took place a few days back. I always have the stash of condoms as he is very irresponsible and forgets them at his place. So we ran out of condoms a few days back. Last day, instead of unwrapping a new box, he took a single piece of condom out of his wallet. I was amazed as condoms in my country is not available individually. I asked him where it came from. He said he got it from a friend and went on adding that his friend broke up with his partner 3 to 4 months back so he gave him the leftover condoms. He also said that there were 3 but he took 1 which is odd. Nevermind. It was specifically the variant which we use. Exactly the same. It triggered my suspicion. I checked the mfd. it was of march. I was taken aback. I gave him the benefit of doubt that maybe his friend was hooking up with someone and the fling has also left. If it was manufactured in march, it will be in stores in april late. The night before this incident, we was at a late night party where girls were present. Still I didn’t doubt him so much even when his nature is not to ask people for things. 2 days back, on phone he said that his friend is very lonely and he is not hooking up or seeing someone else. His friend is shook and recovering from the breakup for months. He went on adding that “that’s why he distributed the condoms.”I am so shocked. I am in so much anxiety. I want to confront him. But i am scared that if he is not cheating he will think of me as a psychopath who checked the mfd. and also i will lose the foundation of trust stuff. I really secretly want to check the app from where he orders his condoms. But he is so protective of his phone nowadays. I am really going crazy. Am I overthinking? Should i worry less? Are my suspicions baseless? If your advice is to confront him then How should I confront him in a manner which will be appropriate and also proper even if he is not cheating? If not confrontation, I secretly want to check his phone, but how! I am so stuck. Please help.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2022): Simple solution. Stop putting out for him and see how long he sticks around. My guess is not very.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2022): I'm sorry, but I suspect your boyfriend is making what little time he gives you available, because you give him sex.
Other than that, he doesn't seem that bothered about spending time with you.
I think THIS is the underlying reason you feel insecure. In your heart of hearts you know he isn't serious about you. All of the condom business is a smoke screen for your real insecurity and worry. Or perhaps an addition to it.
Because if you step back and see a friend of yours, whose boyfriend prioritises his friend EVERY TIME over your friend and he only bothers to see your friend for a little while each evening, during which time, your friend gave her boyfriend sex, then what would you say to her?
The same as I am going to say to you. STOP having sex with this man and move on to someone who actually wants YOU and not just your body.
When you meet someone who loves you and wants you, you will wonder why on earth you put up with this and wasted all this time on someone who isn't really into you.
Good luck. You deserve better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2022): Rather than going through a lot of drama and suspicion, why don't you just dump the guy?
He spends very little time with you, and he's more concerned about his "friend(???)" than you. I think he should be more concerned about the condition of his own relationship, than that of a friend who allegedly has broken-up.
You're concerned about the condom thing, but you should ask him why he has so much time and concern for his friend and so little for you? If there is no feasible and logical explanation; you should weigh the pros and cons of the continuance of your relationship. His friendship seems to be more solid than your romance. It seems how many condoms he has, and where they come from, demands more consideration and concern than the fact the guy hardly spends any time with you.
The writing is on the wall. He doesn't have time for you; because he's not that into you. He's more concerned about that "friend(???)!" Have you met this friend, do you know about the breakup as a fact, or is it only hearsay?
What's checking his phone going to prove? It will prove you're insecure and don't trust him. It will prove you're immature in dealing with relationships; and you have to use the contents of his phone rather than his character to determine if he's the right guy. If there's no time for each-other, you only see him once a week, what are you getting out of being with him? Is it just about the sex? You are concerned about all the wrong things; and you're settling for a guy who only makes time to see you for an hour (assuming for sex); and worries more about a friend.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2022): My question is what do you do in an hour when you meet on Sunday? Because that isn't a relationship. That sounds like he's not bothered about you. And I would ask for more time together or call it quits.
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A
female
reader, EmmyApple  +, writes (30 May 2022):
I’m confused. He used to forget condoms, so when he got a new one, he put it in his wallet to remember it. Why is that a crime? There is no evidence he ever planned to use it with anyone other than you. You have nothing to worry about.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2022): Your whole world is turned upside down because your partner had a condom in his wallet?
I can't understand your obsessive anxiety.
Mum's are telling boys from age 13 years or so that they should always keep a condom in their pocket/ wallet.
It's just standard practice.
Mum's don't give the kids the condoms to carry but they do let them try to undo the packet and stretch the condom like a water balloon and so on, simply so that they know what people are talking about by the time the idea of contraception is introduced.
So I think it would be fairly safe to say that most boys have got a condom in their pocket by age 16 years ( just in case)!
So why would It automatically mean your partner is having an affair?
If your bloke carries a condom in his wallet then so be it.
It doesn't mean he is seeing someone.
I hope your relationship runs deeper than whether your guy has a condom or not.
If you assume that the condom doesn't necessarily mean he is cheating does it alter your entire perception of him or yourself?
Because if it does then you can slow down and breathe.
It's not a race to the finish line to find out who is cheating first.
You could raise your expectations of his fidelity and sincerity rather than look for the first signs of an affair.
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