A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Lately, my girlfriend and I have been fighting so much, and I can't stand it anymore. It seems like all that we do is fight, and somehow it's always my fault, and I'm always the one who's getting left bruised by the argument (emotionally, not physically). The smallest, most insignificant things can start a fight between the two of us, and it's causing me to have to watch what I say when I'm talking to her so that I don't accidentally say something that will set her off and cause us to end up having another argument. Rather than type out huge paragraphs, I'll use lists wherever I can to make the reading a bit easier on all of you.Here is a list of some of the things that she does that cause or prolong arguments, and leave me feeling hurt and insulted.1. She has a strong tendency to overreact; the smallest things will set her off.2. It takes her a long time to let go of things, i.e. she holds grudges.3. When I do or say something that even slightly bothers her, she takes a sarcastic, passive-aggressive tone with me.4. She raises her voice to me quite frequently, which will cause me to get upset with her for yelling at me instead of talking.5. Her vocabulary seems to diminish to short, dismissive words like "Yeah," "Sure," "Okay," or "Whatever" when I try to explain something to her, justify my actions in order to end the fight, or apologize to her in order to smooth things over.6. She frequently turns her back on me, walks away, rolls her eyes, throws her hands in the air, or crosses her arms when we're fighting.7. 7 times out of 10, everything becomes my fault; I caused the fight, and I'm the reason that we both got upset, even if it wasn't me...8. Often times she treats me like I'm not important to her; she'll ignore me, dismiss my apologies, tell me that she doesn't want to talk to me, or that she doesn't care what I have to say, and most of the time when we're arguing and I tell her that I love her, she won't say it back.9.She'll frequently call me an a**hole, tell me to f*ck off, and other things of that nature.Those are only some of the things that she does which cause or prolong fights, and leave me feeling insulted and mistreated. Now, that doesn't go to say that I don't do things that are uncalled for as well, as it does happen. However, in all honesty, I don't do nearly as many things as she does that are uncalled for, and I'm always the one who has to swallow my pride, apologize, and hope that everything blows over even if the fight wasn't really my fault.An example would be a few nights ago. I was over at her house for most of the day, and at about 7 PM she had to get on her laptop to do some things for her upcoming college semester. She had done this a few days ago, and it takes her about an hour at a time, during which time she barely says 2 words to me. So, I went in the living room with her brother to hang out until she was done. 7:45 rolls around and he went into his room to call his girlfriend, so I went and sat on the front porch with their 2 Golden Retrievers and relaxed. At 8 PM she came outside and asked me what I was doing, and if I wanted to come watch her show (Pretty Little Liars) with her; I told her that I don't really like that show, and that I was keeping an eye on the dogs while her parents were out for a walk. She raised her voice with me, took a sarcastic tone, and said "Well, what are you going to do then? Sit out here for an hour and do nothing rather than come spend time with me?" I told her that I really didn't like that show (which I honestly can't stand it), and she said "Well, if you wanted to watch something that I didn't want to watch, I would f*cking watch it with you just because you asked me to. But, whatever; sit out here by yourself for all I f*cking care. You might as well go hang out with my brother again anyways, seeing as that's what you've been doing for the last hour when you came here to spend time with me, your girlfriend. So, whatever; do whatever the f*ck you want to." My response was to get up and leave; I was so upset and offended with her at that point in time, that I didn't want to stay there.Earlier tonight, she texted me and asked me what I was up to; I told her that I was arguing with my Mom (which I was). She said that she was sorry to hear that, and that she'd text me in a bit. When she texted me back, my Mom and I were done arguing, but she had made me feel like sh*t, she had pissed me off, and I was in an angry / depressed mood, so I told her (my girlfriend) that I was in a bad mood. She asked why and I told her what was said between my Mom and I, and she said that she was sorry to hear that. Then she asked if I was coming over for the night, and I said I didn't know, as I had a terrible headache from arguing with my Mom, I had a high blood sugar that I needed to take care of, and that I was really tired and angry. She took a sarcastic tone with me, replied with "Whatever," and turned it into an argument. I asked her what I did, and she said "Nothing; leave me alone." I told her that I wanted to know what was wrong so that we didn't end up fighting, and she said "You're not coming over to see me, and I want to see you, so now I have nothing to say to you." I told her that I was sorry, and that I wouldn't be good company anyways, because every time I go over there when I'm angry or upset, she tells me that if I'm going to be cranky the entire time that I'm there that I'd might as well go home. Her response was "Fine." I asked her if she forgave me, and she said "Sure," which I knew was sarcasm so I told her that I didn't want to go to sleep knowing that she was made at me, so she said "Well, that's not my f*cking problem." All that came out of my mouth was "Wow. That was so rude, and incredibly uncalled for," and she said "K. I don't want to talk to you, so goodnight." I apologized one final time and told her that I loved you, and she said "K."These are the types of things that I have to deal with, seemingly nonstop, and it's driving me up the walls! How can you date someone who you have to tread lightly around so as to not accidentally say or do something even slightly wrong which will cause an argument of epic proportions? I love her, and I don't want to lose her, but I am beginning to think that she and I aren't meant for each other, as she doesn't seem to treat me the way that I deserve to be treated. Everything is always my fault, she is always being sarcastic and snotty with me, and it hurts my feelings. Whenever I try to sit down and calmly talk to her about all of this, it just ends up in her being sarcastic, snotty, and us fighting again. What the hell am I supposed to do?! I don't want to lose her, but this is getting a little ridiculous...Please help me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2011): It seems like from the examples of the fights you've told us about, your girlfriend feels hurt from your actions/behavior words because she thinks that you don't like her and you don't want to spend time with her. She doesn't understand you don't like the show, all she knows is that you don't want to spend time and sit with her. She doesn't know how horrible you feel because of the fight with your mom, all she knows is that you won't come over to be with her. If you want to make it work, you have to understand where she is coming from.
On the other hand, she is not communicating how she feels hurt from your words/behavior. In fact, she's making it worse by lashing out at you and trying to hurt YOU in return with her words and action.
The BOTH of you need to work on communicating with each other. Tell her you don't appreciate how she is reacting and treating you, how she is being VERY disrespectful. Let her know that if she wants this relationship to work, then she has to be willing to discuss things like an adult in a calm and respectful manner. Taht she can't just lash out and instead she needs to tell you if she's hurt and why. You also need to tell her that you undersstand. Tell her that you want to spend time with her, that you love her, but that you just dont' want to watch the tv show because you can't stand it, and NOT because you don't love her. That you WANT to spend the night with her, but you need your time alone to cope with your fight with your mom. See the pattern? And then make it up by finding another time to spend time with her.
If she's unwilling to be an adult and communicate these things, then there's not much you can do to change her, and you have to figure out if this is worth it. You also have to think about yourself and find someone who will be respectful to you.
A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (22 August 2011):
 All couples fight. HEALTHY couples fight FAIR.
You have a lot of negative behaviors going on in this relationship that are extrememly counter productive and immature.
You are defending yourself and giving up a huge part of yoru own santity so the arguing will stop.
Peace at any price, is no peace at all. In this case, the best reaction is NONE.
She is acting like a spoiled little toddler who rants and stomps her foot until she gets her way. The best way to deal with a ranting toddler in to put them in a time out.
So, how do you have a relationship TIME OUT?
You let them know that you are looking for an outcome that makes you BOTH happy. The only way to come to a resolution that is fair for the both of you is to agree to "fight fair".
Come up with your own standards to fight fair.
Some suggestions are:
1-Keep it Calm. If you can not talk to a person with out physical or verbal aggression, then BOTH of you cool off. Give eachother the persmission to come to the table to solve the issue when emotions are under control
2-Confront the behavior and not the person. State what behavior is bothering you. Name calling, rolling eyes, etc.
The person is not "bad" the action is counterproductive and hurtful.
3-Do not use statements like "You always" or "You never". It is too generalized. Be specific. "When you do/say (name it) it makes me feel (specify feeling/thought)
4-No name calling. Children do this. Adults should not.
5-No attitude that someone needs to win attitude. Go into a discussion with the expectation BOTH of you get something you need and want. Neither one of you will get ALL you want.
6-SEPERATE YOUR together time and your personal space time. Do not hang out while someone is tackling their studies, chores, etc. Plan your time out better so there are not extra stressors to rush or be bored while the others person works on a task.
You should not have to walk on eggshells in a relationship. If you are being open, up front, considerate and honest with what your limits are in a relationship and it still is not meeting HER needs and wants, then you yourself both a favor and end it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2011): I agree with Rescuer. Have you ever asked her what she wants out of the relationship? Maybe you need to look at things from her perspective as well. Sit down and talk this out with her. Hear her out, and try to understand what she is trying to convey. Otherwise this situation is gonna prolong and tax the both of you.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (22 August 2011):
Walk, my friend. Walk.
There is no excuse for this level of crap treatment. She's a drama queen who'll just use you as her lap dog until you wake up.
So wake up, and walk.
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (22 August 2011):
 Why are you staying with her? She should not be swearing at you and calling you names that is so toxic for a relationship. You've listed 9 reasons to leave her in your post. Can you list 9 reasons to stay? If not it's time to face the music and leave her to her sad little life. You deserve someone who will love you and care for you and treat you with some respect.
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