A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok first of all, please don't judge. I honestly never thought to be in this situation because I am a faithful person. But now that I am, I need advice. Background info....I met HIM 11 years ago, he was unhappily married but stayed for his kids. I was single, we dated for about 1 yr. I was getting very emotionally attached so i thought it was best (for my sanity) if we ended our realtionship since he was still married. I decided to move on and found someone new who is now my husband. To give my husband a fair chance i broke off all contact with HIM (to avoid temptation). He couldn't find me even if he wanted to. The last time I talked to him was 10yrs ago.New info...all of a sudden this past August I began thinking and dreaming of HIM daily. It became so bad that I thought I was going insane and had to begin writing just to clear my head. Finally one day (1 month later) the thoughts just stopped. Well that very day I unexpectedly ran into him. I should've kept on walking but I figured if fate was giving me this 2nd opportunity, why not take it. (He is still unhappily married, but his kids are older now.)Well we talked for about 2months and then kinda agreed to a FWB deal. Problem is I still feel very emotionally attached to him. I have ALWAYS felt very in tune with him and connected to him. Even time has not changed that. We are still completely honest with each other. The only thing is neither one has confessed love for the other, but I feel it there. What he has told me comes just short of the actual words. I think we are both afraid to say it out of fear of being wrong and losing the relationship.What's weird...I write to clear my mind and the next time i am with HIM it's as if he read what i wrote and answers my question or confirms my thoughts. Feeling this strong connection makes me wonder if there is one specific person we are each supposed to be with. I have always known that that person is not my husband. I would end my marriage if I could be with HIM. And just for the record....if it wasn't HIM I would have never had an affair because there have been other opportunities. So now what do I do? Should I confess my feelings or take it easy? I already know what the abscence of him feels like, and I don't want to endure that again. I also don't want to hurt my husband or my kids. But married or not, I just can't say goodbye to HIM. I will keep him in my life for as long as he wants me. Advice????
View related questions:
affair, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2011): Thanks for all the responses. Just to add...my husband and I began having problems 2 yrs ago, way before HE came back into my life. During this time we have talked about divorce many times but my husband just doesn't want to face the reality of it. More recetnly this past July (still before meeting HIM again) a HUGE incident happened bewtween my husband and I. It was my breaking point and since then I have told my husband I just don't feel the same towards him. He wants to continue to work on our marriage but their are too many hard feelings there that i just can't forget. I believe I still do love my husband, but loving someone and being in love with someone are 2 completely different things. So whether or not HE came back into my life, my marriage is coming to an end. I feel it's only a matter of time. If I stay with my husband, in another 10 yrs I can see my life & my daugter's life being hell (he is Muslim & has different views than I do since I am not). I WILL NOT put her through that. It wasn't a problem before, but every day as she grows, it is a problem. I have tried being honest with my husband about my feelings (other than telling him of the affair) but he is "hearing" what I am saying and not truly listening.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2011): Seems you're honest with everyone but your husband, question is why are you married to him, for ten years you deliberately stayed away from him despite carrying this massive torch for other man, now you're friends with benefits or in layman's terms cheating with an excuse, now you're willing to leave everything for this man, but one suspects you won'tbecause your unsuspecting husband is a nice doormat you can go back to.once this fantasy is over. It's tragic you wasted a good ten years of everyone's lives when you never truly loved the man If you vouch for this amazing connection then by all means go for it, save everyone the lies and heartache.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2011): You have a few choices here. You either end it again and go 'cold turkey'. Or you continue as you are. Or you both decide to leave your partners and make a life together. I am not going to moralize about breaking up families - it happenes all the time and generally things work out even though there is pain in the short term. But you and this man need to decide where this is going, if anywhere. It may be that he wants to keep his family life going and is happy to see you on the side. You may be prepared to accept this as you are you besotted with him. Only you can decide in the end by weighing up what you want from him.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2011): Oh boy, all I can say is that I went down this road once and it just about destroyed me. Instead of filling the hole in my heart the affair just made it bigger. I was ready and willing to end my marriage for him too, but he never intended to leave his wife for me. I just thought he would because of how unhappy he said he was with her.
And then the next thing I knew she was pregnant again with their second child. Which he tried to hide from me. After that it was pretty much over. But it took me four more years to get over him and rebuild my own marriage. After that much pain and heartache I am not even tempted anymore when some guy tries to hit on me behind my husbands back, an hour of sex and fun once a month or so just isn't worth it.
I am just grateful that my husband took me back and forgave me. Because I have had a lot of health problems the last few years and would have lost everything if I didn't have him to help me and support me while I was unable to work.
His being there for me has made me fall in love with him all over again, and I would never want to hurt him again that way.
So if you want to be with him that badly then tell him you will leave your husband for him when he leaves his wife. Otherwise you can't be together. It's the only you can be sure of his intentions before you give him your heart and your body.
It may hurt your husband for you to ask for a divorce, but not as much a having an affair while you are still married to him. And this way you never have to feel ashamed or worry that your kids will find out what you did.
If he isn't willing to do that for you now, then he never will be. Just be glad you found out before it was to late.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2011): ".......I also don't want to hurt my husband or my kids........"
Honey, you already are hurting your hb and kids.
An affair with this married man was so wrong right from the start. You want to be sloppy seconds, second time around with this married man.
LoveGirl
...............................
|
