A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello. Thank you in advance for reading this. My dilemma is that I met a man with whom I have a strong connection, understanding and physical attraction....but unfortunately he is married with 2 children.We met via a study forum and met up in person, plus speak a lot on skype, to study but also we laugh, talk and chat etc.. I am in the UK and he is in France.We both agreed there is a connection etc.. Anyway, I was feeling uncomfortable, much as I like him and enjoy his company. So last week, I decided to ask him outright about his marriage. I wanted to know if he was happy and intended to remain married. In the back of my mind I had kind of hoped that maybe he and his wife were estranged or something...anyway I needed to know.He was quite honest and said the marriage had been happy enough but recently there were problems. He honestly said he would like it to work and that his wife is a nice person. So, we agreed that we can be friends but must not cross any lines, including the heavy flirting we had been doing. I told him I felt confused about my feelings. We both admitted that this was like a bolt of out the blue, totally unexpected. I like him but I feel guilty for liking him. Now we are both feeling sad and I feel a bit awkward and think he is disappointed and so am I but at least an honest conversation has been had. I did not want to be like a kind of 'extra person' just distracting him from sorting out the current issues with his wife. I thought if I backed off a lot, instead of looking to me for comfort/distraction he would have to address himself/his problems.One of my close friends said to me yesterday that I should not have done this, ie had this conversation but should have just carried on connecting emotionally and see where it went (because of the nature of the connection, which is genuine). She said 'you would have more time to feel happy' because now I feel quite sad. He is definitely good for me and I am good for him - whenever we speak, we both sparkle with happiness afterwards and people/friends have commented on it. *We have not crossed any lines physically at all and we agreed not to.I have only known him for a few months. We live long distance. After the conversation about it all he said nothing has changed and he still wants to come to London for a few days to spend time with me (even as friends) and still study with me and keep in touch long term.He said he has been faithful to his wife so far. At least he didn't lie and pretend that his wife was a horrible person who doesn't understand him etc etc, as some men do. He seems genuinely decent.The connection between us is strong and it is not based on sex although there is physical attraction.Did I do the right thing in this case or have I cut my nose off to spite my face?Generally, anyone who is married or with someone else is totally off limits for me but this happened out of the blue, it was like a sudden 'click'. I have met other guys over the last couple of years (I am single, separated from ex partner a few years ago) but this is the only time I have experienced this 'click' as I would put it.I was feeling guilty and also worried that we might just carry on getting more and more attached then someone (probably me I would guess!) would get very hurt down the line. Any genuine constructive comments would be really appreciated.Thank you and sorry for the long post!A confused person!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2015): Hi All, this is the OP. Thank you very much for taking the trouble to write about this. Re my friend, she just recently left her husband for another man and the other man also left his fiancé ... their partners were devastated but my friend and her new partner say it was worth it as they were happy. She was not 'unhappy' as such but was just 'averagely happy' as she put it, in her marriage so maybe she was advising me to grab happiness without meaning to encourage me along a dangerous route. Myself I will keep reading and re-reading your answers to keep myself strong! Thanks again
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (22 December 2015):
 He is probably chatting to a few girls online to boost his ego. He is very much happily married, so you should leave him alone. Cut all ties or else you will end up being hurt. Put yourself in his wife's shoes and then ask yourself is he still so trustworthy? You can bet he is telling the same stories to other women online to give himself an ego boost.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2015): Look, he just needs to feel "alive" again. You're both in that period which could be called mid-life crisis.
I am not passing any judgement. If you want to push this further and make the fantasy come true, end up in some sort of "relationship" and be someone's misteress, go ahead, but KNOW that you'll have nothing more than that. First of all it will probably be a LDR and you will feel miserable after passionate emails, Skype calls, texts etc. You may start hoping that you could have something more if it weren't for his wife. You will wait for him to call/write. And sometimes he will and sometimes he won't.
If you push this thing further and the relationship becomes physical, well read the above part about misery and then add waiting for him to come or waiting for him to invite you to go there. Sex complicates things even if pretend that it doesn't.
He's not calling the shots here because he's the man, but because he's married and has all the excuses in the world.
Do you really want this? Because this is what reality is when you are more than friends with a married person and cross the line.
Your friend loves you and is probably unconsciously telling you what you want to hear, even if you do not agree with her. If your mind had been already made up, you wouldn't be here. I am not pulling the moral card here, I am just presenting you with facts. People stay in bad marriages, do you think he would get out of a fairly good one? Marriage is more than love. He's got his whole life figured out and somewhere along the line he got bored for a moment. Do. Not. Be. His. Distraction.
If he really wants you more than what he has now he has to do it th eright way for everybody's sake. It's his problem, not yours.
Or
As Yoko Ono once said to married-but-not-to-her Lenon "You're just not ready for me yet".
Hang in there, there are nice guys who are free... maybe not millions of them, but enough for us not to be desperate.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2015): For your own sanity, cut this guy out of your life. You met via a study forum, it's not like you're lifelong friends and something developed but this guy has built a relationship and is already emotionally cheating on his wife by sharing so much with you.
You absolutely did the right thing, and gave proved yourself far above this guy in terms of morals! He has a marriage to focus on, perhaps things wouldn't be going so bad with the marriage if he wasn't chatting online to you and planning trips away from the family he's created with his wife.
I wouldn't even try to salvage a friendship, this is just going to cause more difficulties in the long run. You've already been courageous enough to initiate a very awkward conversation (that was needed!) if I were you I would now be telling him that you're going to cut contact for both of your own good. He needs to focus on the wife and family that he has and you don't want your feelings to develop into anything more when nothing good can come of it.
I'd give him chance to reply and then let him know you will have to block contact. He should be thanking you in the long run for this as coming to London to "study" with you would not be a good idea.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (22 December 2015):
 May I comment on a couple of phrases in your submittal?
"... and physical attraction...." That is "lust".. that uncontrollable something that infects ones loins when he/she sees - and can get close to - someone who they find (sexually) attractive....
"I wanted to know if he was happy and intended to remain married. " Somewhere in our genetic make-up, EVERY MAN has just the answer to this. It is: "My wife doesn't love me.... and I no longer love her... BUT we stay together for: (List of things..... "the kids", "the house", "our careers"....... I believe that it's NEVER HAPPENED that a man replied to this question by saying: "I think you're and outlandish hottie.... and I intend to string you along for as long as I can continue to have $*x with you....."
"...but I feel guilty for liking him..." You should. You are introducing in to their marriage an outside force that has the potential to ruin the marriage, regardless if it was repairable. Again, men cannot resist an "other girl"....
"Now we are both feeling sad and I feel a bit awkward and think he is disappointed and so am I but at least an honest conversation has been had." SOOoooo, now is the time for both of you to be unbridled honest with one-another... and say to one-another.... "The circumstances under which we met were strictly coincidental.... and allowed us to enjoy a form of playing out our fantasies. NOW, let's put our feet back on the ground and see what REALLY IS important in the long run. Let's agree not to see or speak or communicate with one-another for AN ENTIRE YEAR." If, at the end of that year, you both yearn to seek-out one-another and try to resurrect what you and he THINK you have now.... and - assuming that he is, at that time, divorced and single - then see where life takes the two of you....
Good luck.... You are not the first two people who have faced this conundrum....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 December 2015):
 Is there a reason you HAVE to stay in touch? I mean let's be honest, if there are romantic feelings it's NOT a friendship. Which means the whole "let's be friends" is dragging out the inevitable - that either of you cut the contact or either of you will end up hurt (more likely you than him).
He should be off limits, I really don't agree with your friend. I think continuing KNOWING that he is married.. is shady. And for him to even have started this... even more shady.
Instead of the whole "I haven't found anyone else like him" excuse - use it as an incentive to look for someone single to fulfill your emotional needs.
I do think if you continue you are almost as "bad" as he is. He is definitely not as good a guy as you think. I mean, how would you feel if he was YOUR husband and things got rough so he found himself a lady online to flirt with? Bet that would leave you with a bad taste in your mouth.
Come on... USE some common sense, WHAT good can come of this?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2015): Well done on taking the route you have chosen.No matter how much you click, how strong the connection, the bottom line is that he is married. He made vows with his wife through good times and bad, and now that it's going through some difficulties, let him focus on his wife and making things great for them again.As for you, it may seem exciting and make you happy now, but if you take it further there will be unhappiness for everyone.He is not in an unhappy marriage, on the contrary he was happy and admits his wife is great. Don't build something on someone else's unhappiness.You don't want to be the "other woman" it's not worth it. It will be lonely, your self esteem will take a dive and nothing beats being with your own guy who is with you night and day, not only the stolen moments!You deserve the best, not second place. Try and limit contact, there is no denying the chemistry, so don't tempt it. Walk away. A new year is ahead, find your true soulmate, wait for it, it's worth it, I speak from experience. Good luck and stay strong!
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (22 December 2015):
 I think that you need to cut all ties with this guy. He maybe "nice" in your eyes but would his wife find such talk that he is having with you as "nice" as you do? And would she think they are nice on top of the problems he claims they already have?
There is also a pragmatic issue: why bother with someone when you have already concluded that there is no future?!
It is romance that has brought you together but there is no romance to be gotten out of this internet contact. You will keep talking as "friends" but for what purpose? To fuel your empty hopes or his irrational hope to cheat?
The guy is off limits, so keep him out. Invest your time and emotional effort into someone with future. This guy has no future for you so just don't bother.
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