A
male
age
30-35,
*neSexyNerd
writes:Hi all,As I am now starting a new thing with this handsome blond guy with beautiful deep blue eyes, I am trying to be careful not to get hurt like before. He is really kind and he already showing he embraced the idea of being with me. As nothing in this world is completely perfect, or cannot be completely perfect, there is some things, some minor things which are making me to think a lot lately.Everything is very new and fresh that’s why I cannot say something certain about us or his character because I am still getting to know him but there is this, for me this huge reality, that we are both only top in our sexual life. We did not discussed this big issue because I do not really wanna ruin the things between us and we just talked it very shortly. In conclusion, we agreed that we can change positions during the sex and we both be the top and the bottom. When we had sex first time he bottomed and he was okay with, he even reached orgasm while I was inside of him but the problem is, its different with me. I can’t really enjoy the sex and I am really not a bottom although I tried several times with him (which did not work because of horrible pain) and in my previous relationships and how much I tried, I cannot enjoy it. I want to, seriously, but because of some reason that I cannot find out myself I really cannot enjoy sex when I bottom and It seriously hurts also no matter how much lube we used, how much I tried to relax and widen the area with fingers or toys, etc.Now, every time we make out we cannot start having anal sex because we both are enjoying just being active and top. I also do not want to ask him every time to bottom because I know he wants to be the top also and thats why we really cannot enjoy sex together. We make out, we kiss, we give each other some blow job but we never achieve orgasm and we stop somehow and skip to other activities like going out, watching movies and so on.Although it is pretty fresh with him he already told me he thinks serious about me and loves me, he told it and I feel the same. Maybe you will understand what I mean: There is some certain differences between the guys mostly bottom/passive and guys who are mostly top/active, I was a person who believes there is no certain roles but with him for the first time I seriously feel him there is some. He has some sort of manners that makes me uncomfortable, some manners I usually do naturally to my partner and now I feel like we are same “magnetic poles” because he is has these manners.I need really some advices how to handle this situation, maybe I am just exaggerating things and making myself uncomfortable for no reason.I look forward to hear from you,Thanks a lot for all of your valuable answers.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (8 October 2013):
 So you are both tops and you cannot bottom at all, despite your discussion with him which suggested you would take turns. It sounds as though he's not willing to become the bottom, which is what you are asking him to do, as it goes against your nature, it appears to go against his as well. Just because it was okay for him once doesn't mean that he has to be the bottom for you from here on out. Some men prefer the orgasm resulting from stimulation of the penis, rather than the stimulation of the prostate gland. I doubt that he'll be happy being a bottom for the rest of his life and never ever getting to be the top because of your preferences.
You also reference some "manners" of his that trouble you.
So while you two are compatible in terms of friendship, you aren't really compatible as life partners in the bedroom.
I think it's time to accept that sometimes, you can't always get what you want. Be thankful for the time you had together and look upon it as underlining your need to find a partner who is a bottom.
Good luck to you.
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (8 October 2013):
 i can see exactly what you mean, on the opposite end, as i am a lesbian, and i understand sexual roles in gay relationships.
for women, you have somewhat of the same principle as gay men. there is almost always one who is in the more dominant role, while the other is more submissive. this is somewhat comparable to the top/bottom roles gay men have with each other.
when i was younger, i dated a couple of women who prefered to be the more dominant role. this clashed with my natural desire to be the more dominant one. we butted heads, both trying to be more assertive. lol.
what i discovered was that i could not date women who had that sexual preference. it simply didn't work for me.
the relationship i am in now is perfect for me. she prefers the more submissive role, which makes me comfortable, but we definitely change it up and share roles frequently. i am more than okay with that.
anyway, unless you two can't both get into sex and fall into a rhythm that works for you, i would say you two weren't meant to be. sexual compatibility is important. if you can't get into sex and look forward to it, there is a big part of your relationship that is missing.
give it some time. maybe it will happen over a bit of patience and frequency. but if it continues, i would cut my losses.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2013): Thanks a lot for your answer, I was thinking exactly the same. I agree you totally and unfortunately thats the reality that we are in bed not good and comfortable.
But it is so hard to find a good guy like him, he is just my type amd the charachter and his interests everything matches so well...
I think i will sit down with him and talk clearly also listening his thoughts.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2013): Hi neSexyNerd,To be honest, in a male same sex relationship sexual roles are important, regardless of what people say (that there are alternatives to anal sex, that other things other than sex are more important in a relationship, that you two are still at the stage of 'discovering' each other, etc, etc...)...I, for one, believe that sex is an important part of a relationship and, depending on the couple, a really key part of it.It does seem that you're both at odds with your sexual preferences as, essentially, you're both into the same thing.Despite some couples who are both bottoms/tops being able to withstand these 'similarities' by bringing 3rd parties into the relationship or, being older, not giving so much prominence to sexual compatibility. In your case that doesn't seem to be an option.You're both young and really like each other. It sounds as if you both actually might have a lot going on for you. He as even agreed to bottoming for you -- despite that going against his preferences in bed.I'm afraid that *is* an issue, and will likely to snowball into a huge problem as time goes by...sexual incompatibility has made many a relationship non-viable in the mid-long run...and I'm afraid that in your case it will just be a matter of time before it turns into *the* problem as opposed to *an* issue :-/Sorry for the 'gloomy' stance, but I type with experience...no matter how 'strong' the feelings are.
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