A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Please dont lecture me. I know I've done wrong.I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years, Im 24, he's 26. We've had a rocky time in the beginning but have been good for the last few years. Until I drunkenly slept with someone behind his back,. Since I did it, I've been distraught. The boy I cheated with is not a part of my life and never will be again. He also has a gf and as far as I'm aware is happy that we never contact each other again.My boyfriend didn't know. However at the weekend we were at a party. My boyfriend used my phone to ring a taxi and went through it and found texts on my phone which revealed my cheating. He then rang the boy in question and has told as many of his and my friends and family as he possibly could. I know i deserve that. But I can't help think it will make it more difficult for us to remain together.He wants to work through it and try and fix it. Is this possible or are we doomed to fail? I do love my boyfriend. I haven't been happy for about 6 months. Not just with him. But with my life. Im finishing my masters in the next few weeks and have been made redundant from my job. Yet throughout everything he's tried to cheer me up and has been supportive yet I go and do this.In the first 2 years of our relationship he cheated on me multiple times and I chose to forgive him. Despite forgiving its very hard to forget. I've tried to explain how crazy this will make him. Just at it did me. But he just seems to say he owes me another chance so we'll work through it.Dont get me wrong I'm so pleased that he is willing to try and work at it. I can't imagine my life without him. I'm just concerned that after everything I've done he's just going to get more and more hurt.Is there any chance of our relationship surviving this? Please help. We've been together so long I just dont know what to do for the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2013): Anything is possible if the two of you together are willing to make sacrifices and work together to regain trust and rekindle the romance that was once a big part of your relationship. Cheating is almost as bad as having no trust in a relationship. I believe you can make it work between the two of you but you will have to get some couples counselling to help you also.Good-luck.
A
male
reader, dougbcoll  +, writes (7 October 2013):
 " I've been with my boyfriend for eight years" " i drunkenly slept with someone behind his back,. since i did it , I've been distraught." "In the first two years of our relationship he cheated on me multiple times and I chose to forgive him.' o.k. you both have had your ups and downs in your relationship over the years, you both have wounded each other with deep hurts to each others hearts over the years. to get beyond this it will take both of you pulling toward each other, and not at each other. "my boyfriend didn't know.....my boyfriend found text on my phone which revealed my cheating." it would have been better had you confessed earlier to him, not finding it out the hard way. you have had to hide the cheating, covering it up,trying to bury it in the back of your mind. and as you said " since i did it, i have been distraught" eating at your consonance daily. the hiding it from him is equally hard for him to accept. him telling his friends and family does not help things any of this matter. " he wants to work through and try to fix it. is this possible or are we doomed to fail?" that is a plus coming from him, the question is what do you want? things are not going to be healed over night, it will take time.and maybe a counselor to be in the middle. you both have done damage to the relationship and trust. "i do love my boyfriend... i cant imagine my life without him" that is a good place to start rebuilding your love and relationship with him, you know you don't want to be without him. so don't give up on your love for each other. "I've tried to explain how crazy this will make him, just as it did me.....I'm just concerned that after everything I've done he's just going to get more hurt." he may feel like he owes you because he cheated on you years ago, but that is covering up his own feelings, and hurt right now. the realization will set in later and the wounds may open up on his heart, and he then may have a hard time dealing with the hurt. that is why i would suggest counseling together. and if you both are not happy with the counselor find another one. "is there any chance of our relationship surviving this?" yes there is but you both will need to pull toward each other, be honest, and give of yourself to each other. healing will not take place over night. let me ask did he ever ask you forgiveness for his cheating years ago? did you ask him for his forgiveness for the cheating and the covering it up, trying to hide it? those are starting places for healing. i might suggest getting alone and opening your heart up to each other ,and telling him what he means to you now and through the years,and telling him you are sorry. the both of you need forgiveness and healing, and love.
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A
female
reader, screennametaken  +, writes (7 October 2013):
You kept evidence of your cheating even after it was all over? Come on, I'm no shrink, but you gotta believe that your subconscious doesn't really want this.
I disagree with the previous poster - I don't think you can make it work. He has cheated, you have cheated. Whatever comfort you get out of being in a relationship that is built on mistrust is not LOVE, it's just exactly that... comfort. For not fully stretching out your heart and falling completely into a safe and loving space where you can be totally yourself.
You seem quite immature and this is probably the best thing that has happened, so you can climb out of whatever your relationship is, because it is not PARTNERSHIP. It sort of looks like hell to me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2013): Not likely your relationship with survive in the long run. If the two of you should not be in a relationship with each other or anyone else until you get this interest in having sex with other people out of the relationship equation. Neither of you have learned from your choices and past repeat situations.As you get older and mature, you start to realize that in order to have a healthy relationship with another individual, there needs to be trust, loyalty, committement, a lot more accountablity with consequences to the choices you both make. Impulsive and reckless choices need to stop and thinking before doing is the norm rather than an after thought.When you *really* love someone, the last thing you would do is impulsively have sex with another person and blame it on getting drunk and any other excuses you have come up with. You are not basing your relationship on trust, or talking to each other to keep the two of you bonded. You both still have these urges to seek out others. That is not a solid, stable relationship by any means. If the two of you want to settle for this kind of repeat behavior between the two of you, then, sure, stick it out. You both have a lot of growing up to do.Why not go to couples counseling and see what you can learn there?
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (7 October 2013):
Sure, it can survive, but it'll take awhile to stabilize, and he made it much more difficult with his decision to tell everybody.
You guys need to figure out what led you to do this or it may happen again. There's always a reason, in your case, after years of faithfulness, it was probably due to your unhappiness and maybe you craved a little excitement. You guys may want to try to spice things up in your relationship... Start doing something new to bring you closer together.
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