A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I suppose this is a longer story, but I'll try and keep things concise. I would just post the question straight up, but without proper insight on what has happened, the advice I get may not be what I'm looking for :) So here it goes:My girlfriend and I have been dating for nearly 2 years, however we have been amazing friends since high school so we have even more years of history together. When we started dating, things just clicked. Like my best friend who had been right in front of me was always the one. She always had a huge thing for me, but I never really noticed (oblivious, that's me) until she mentioned something. Once I knew how she felt, I couldn't stop thinking about her until I finally asked her out. Things between us were amazing, and have continued to be amazing for nearly two years. We always laugh together and spend lots of time talking about serious/insanely goofy things. We could confide in eachother and find strength in one another. I loved her and she loved me, inside and out.Now, she's in her Junior year at college and has become very very busy (she wants to go to Law school) But even though we couldn't always spend our time together, I always told her I was here for her and called her often so she could relieve her stress (our colleges are about 3 hours apart; not too bad, but we definitely can't make the trip every weekend) I'm the type of guy who loves to make her feel loved and beautiful, which she has always loved about me since she has had father/ex issues that have made her constantly question her beauty. She is the most gorgeous thing I have seen and every time I see her I just need to tell her :)Now there is this other guy. One weekend, when I knew she'd be busy, she said she would give me a call so we could talk. I was really looking forward to it since we hadn't had much time earlier that week, but knew that she had a lot going on, so I still hung out with my friends that night, but checked my phone every once and a while to see if she called. She never did. When I asked her about it, she said that her and this other guy (someone she had just met a week ago) were up late doing an assignment. I shrugged it off and told her it was okay and that I looked forward to visiting her next weekend. Through out the week, I noticed Facebook posts between her and this guy getting very flirty. I am NOT the jealous type, and I love that she's making new friends, but I thought I'd at least ask her about him.She claimed he didn't have any interest in her and that he was simply a good friend, and that they had similar interests/classes. I trusted her and continued to be there for her through her stressed week, despite my uneasiness towards the whole thing. But the whole week, she barely talked to me and never responded to my messages or voicemails I sent her to let her know I'm here to talk if she needs to unwind, I missed her, and how excited I was to be with her the next weekend (and I meant it, like I said, I love my baby to feel beautiful and loved)Finally this last weekend, I got up to her school and got to hold her in person, which was very exciting since it had been a few weeks. I asked her how things were going and she finally admitted that this guy she's been hanging with has strong feelings for her and she doesn't know what to do. She started crying and exclaiming how this distance between us wasn't working and that she didn't see us working things out because we still have a long year ahead of us. I assured her that we could make it and that I'm always here to support her and that I try to visit her whenever I can (she hasn't been able to visit me because of her time commitments) I kept saying that we could do this and I would do what it takes to make us work and make us feel close again, but she wouldn't believe it.Finally I pulled the "love card." I told her I loved her and would do anything for her, and after a long silence, I asked her if she still loved me. She was silent again. She said she didn't know anymore.I've never felt so hurt. I'm not a guy who cries, but I love this girl so much and couldn't help but get teary eyed. It hurts so much to find out that the one thing you love so much and have worked so hard to be close to doesn't even know if she loves you anymore and refuses to see all of the great things you try and do for her.I asked her if it was because of this guy, and she claims that it isn't. But I know exactly what this is; she doesn't feel the need to love me because she gets so much more attention from someone else; someone who is near her all the time and has the luxury to be goofy with her on a daily basis, just like I used to be able to do. I feel I've been replaced. She doesn't need me when she gets these good feelings from another guy.But I still love her so much. Things never used to be this bad. We talked a LOT and finally decided that we're going to try to become close again. I want to earn that love back and be the one she can lean on again. However, I know as long as she continues to hang out with this other guy, the chances of us succeeding are slim. I know that for every forward step I make, he's going to be right next to her, captivating her attention instead of me. He's basically replaced me; he's the goofy, yet serious person that can make her laugh and be there for her to lean on. Even though she says she wants things back, I can't help but think that she's kind of moved on.I sincerely hope no one says, "Leave her." She is not the cheating type and she has never been one to push me away (during our summers together she's always so clingy, I can't get a second away from her :P We always joked about it because I honestly don't mind and there was nowhere I'd rather have been than with her) I just want her to see how consistent I've been with my love and support. I don't know how her love for me could have ended, but I want it back. I care for her so much. Even though I'm furious that I've been replaced and that despite everything we've had she's still confused about her feelings, yet I love her too much to be angry with her. I just want to hold her again and have things be okay.What are my next steps? How do I tell her these things I'm feeling, when we're already on such a slippery slope? What can I do about this guy? I would never ask her to give up a friend, but I do feel that he's intruded on our relationship by admitting his feelings to her and that it isn't healthy for our recovery if she still sees him often. Advice would be great.To those who read this entire thing, many many thanks. I know that its long, but hopefully you understand my situation just a little better. Peace.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (9 November 2010):
 your welcome. The break might actually make things better for the both of you, because a few months with no contact might make her realise how much she missees you and how much she wants to be with you, not being able to talk to each other will be a huge help and it will make the holidays even more special.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for reading and for the advice. Thought I'd update with our current situation.
We talked this weekend and we've decided to take a break for a few weeks until we can see each other for Thanksgiving. In the mean time, we both have a lot of school work to do as well as a lot of thinking to consider.
I just hope during this break she can cool down and see that for years I have always been there, have always loved her, and most importantly, have always showed it in the best ways I knew how. I've talked with her until the earliest hours and held her hand through all her personal and family troubles. I've consistently assured her of her beauty and have tried my hardest to make her feel special.
I suppose if she can't see that or appreciate it, maybe I'm better off moving on and finding someone who can. It just hurts to think of considering how much I love her.
Thanks again for the honesty!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (5 November 2010):
Hi this is a really tricky situation and it is safe to say that this other guy is the reason why she is questioning her feelings, long distance relationships are really hard to keep up, it takes a lot of work from both people and it can sometimes seem easier to give up than to carry on, in her head there is a guy that lives in the same place as she does and he is crazy after her so in her head it would be easier for her to get with him as she can see him whenever she wants, its not you that she has the problem with its the distance that has came in between you and drove her apart from you.
Im not sure what your next step should be here, you need to talk to her and make sure she is 100% sure that she wants to work on things with you and that she is not just saying that to you to make you feel better. You both need to sit down and be honest with each other let her tell you what she wants, and am afraid if she wants to be with this other guy then you will need to accept it and move on am afraid, off course it will be hard, but we all get there in the end.
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