A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my fiancee have had serious arguments recently over when to have kids.We've been together for 6 years, met in Vancouver.American expats in Canada, been here a few years now.Not got dual citizenship yet, just permanent residency.Lived together for the past 2.5 years and quarantine sped things up.We're both femme lesbians, some people keep assuming lesbians are women with buzzcuts and butch behavior, but no, that's just stereotyping.I'm 32, my fiancee's 29, and we've no kids, only pet cavies.She wants to wait till we're in our late 40s to have kids, she thinks it'll be OK, but I'm worried about being an older mom, but he said I shouldn't worry... she said "I had to wait 14 years to have a sister, there's a 14-year age gap, but despite the age gap, we get on well as siblings, even though some people assume she's adopted which she ain't.".My fiancee does want kids, but she wants us to enjoy ourselves as a young couple first, she likes us being the couple with a Ford Mustang, weekends at restaurants and new activities with friends.She's also dealing with an affair, her dad having an affair with his aunt (the aunt is one of her mom's sisters) and the fallout from that.It doesn't help that her dad's Instagram exposed the affair.Before anyone says "My fiancee doesn't want kids, doesn't want to be a mom", she's explicitly said she DOES but feels she wants to really enjoy things before he goes full-on mom. She wants to enjoy her 30s and have fun while she still can.But is waiting until I'm 43 and she's 40 just going way too far? She said being 56 with a teenager wouldnt be that weird.She claims we had to wait ages to find a great house here in Toronto and that things take ages to be good in his life.In most respects our life is good, although she's unable to work currently since her job can't be done from home, and working from home sucks for me.There's one other issue which has caused conflict; my husband wants to spend most of her time with fellow American expats here, but I'm happy to spend my time with a more diverse group of people.Why go abroad and spend all your time with expats, in this case it's mostly rather than more?I don't hate my home country, but want to enjoy diversity.I'm here on a work visa, my fiancee is too, both of us have been here a long time.I need some assistance since we're constantly arguing about this, even though we've got similar opinions on many other areas of life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2021): You say you are sure she wants kids, later. But this is not true. Nobody can be sure of that. She could be lying to string you along and if you were sure of her intentions you would not be so worried. Plenty of people make decisions based on I will do it later and later never comes, they change their mind, circumstances change and all sorts can happen in between. You could wait and wait and still no kids because you split up or she eventually says sorry I don't want them and runs out of excuses. Compare it to the women who are seeing a married guy and he keeps finding excuses to put off leaving his wife to be with her full time. Eventually he cannot put it off anymore and has to find an enormous excuses, break up with her and risk her telling his wife or whatever. The worst than can happen to your partner is that she eventually admits she does not want kids and you are stuck with it. Nothing you can do about it other than getting angry with her.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (24 October 2021):
 Um, ladies do you expect to become pregnant or through adoption?
Because BIOLOGICALLY (and I presume EVERYONE knows this) after 35 the risk for birth defects etc. are substantially higher. This is because a woman's eggs age as she ages. Older eggs are more prone to forming embryos with either too many or too few chromosomes. So if you decide to get pregnant in your 40's the risk is much higher PLUS you ARE that much older and taking care of a child that requires extra care will not be easier. Let alone the typical pregnancy risks get higher too the older the mother is. High blood pressure. Gestational diabetes. Miscarriages. Difficult labor.
And why do you call your wife your husband?
"There's one other issue which has caused conflict; my husband wants to spend most of her time with fellow American expats here, but I'm happy to spend my time with a more diverse group of people."
You don't HAVE to only make friends with the same people. You can have your DIVERSE friend group and she can have her exp pat one. Then if you want you can bring BOTH groups together and expand EVERYONE's social circles.
Did you two even TALK about this BEFORE marriage?
I think the longer you two are together the more you are realizing that perhaps you aren't quite as compatible as you thought?
While I DO think having kids should be an agreement that BOTH spouses are OK with, DO you want to risk not having kids ever? Because SHE wants to wait?
If you are thinking about adoption, you might want to research just HOW long the process is.
I had my kids "late" ( I had my oldest at 30 and youngest at 35) I think for me, personally, it was good I didn't have them in my early 20's. But I have had health complications from my 40's onward. Some stem from issues due to the pregnancies and some were probably genetic. I would NOT have had an easy time taking care of little ones in my 40's. And teens in my late 50's? no way!
Is this a deal-breaker or not? THAT is what you have to figure out.
Are you sure she even really WANTS kids?
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