A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Has anyone ever had the feeling where they feel alone even though there are people around them? I think I may have done this to myself. I broke up with my gf after 8.5 years and I feel very alone. It has been 11 months and I feel lonely. I have realised I don’t need much. Sometimes meeting friends and just listening to them joke is a huge help. No one asks me how I feel, how I’m coping. I’m not blaming them. I noticed this when another friend also separated from his partner and everyone is really worried about him. I was approached by a few others asking me to speak to him and support him. I will happily do that. It made me realise perhaps I come across as strong and indestructible so no one thinks I need any support. I appreciate this in a positive way. I go over and beyond to support people. Force positivity down them where they can see that light at the end. It makes me feel good for a little, and than people usually find the light and start flying. But I’m still there alone. I’m struggling to find purpose on my weekends or days I’m not working. I’m doing great at work, I thrive there because I have something to do. In my personal time: I read, I watch videos, I play games, I invest, i socialise online on mutual topics, I practise on things to get better. I spend more than ever on myself, looking my best, upgraded clothes, but the feeling never lasts. I feel like I make effort for nothing (I have days I don’t bother but I force myself) I get lonely and it demotivates me from continuing as every month, week, day feels the same. When I meet friends I like the noise and them debating or laughing about things but I don’t say much. I never have much to say. Although they are good people. It’s not them. I got a promotion recently, I wanted to celebrate. Go away. But instead I feel bad for even mentioning it because no one seems interested. Finally over last 3 months I felt a holiday would be good. So I tried and tried to get friends to plan alongside me and get a break. But it just did not happen. I waited for them to confirm availability, they couldn’t do it, when they could , it was really short notice I couldn’t book it off so a few went. Few weeks later the other half went. There’s me left behind . Again…not malicious but no one seems willing to bend a little or adjust so I can also come. Inside this really annoyed me but there was nothing I could do. I spent few weeks looking at these amazing pictures of sun and beaches but I gave them love, made sure they sent me more pics and I celebrated it virtually with them….because I don’t hate. They deserve it. Than I tried to book a place, flights, alone. I was excited but I didn’t want to tell anyone. I just felt it looks weird. Than my mood changed, I wish it wouldn’t. I wish I could happily go and joke with myself, enjoy my own company, buy myself stuff. But it just made me more depressed. So I gave up. Oh well…I did sign up to Xmas work meal. One thing to look forward to in 2 months!! I thought later in life is lonely. How am I just wasting my life away at 30. When I try so hard.
View related questions:
a break, at work, broke up, depressed Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2021): Loneliness comes at many stages in life.
And with it comes an endless weariness.
At these times it is best to nurture yourself and just to take a rest until the feeling wears off.
So much of life is about the little and the mundane.
Family life in those early years is often covered by minute details like siblings, parents, asking each other trivial questions about:'Where's the salt? Or ' have you seen my jeans jacket? What time are you back? etc.
If you're living alone you get the peacefulness you crave but non of the conversations about the trivia of life ...And that small feeling that no one cares can grow into lonliness!
In your case, you sound as though you enjoy your solitude to some extent, but you are feeling disillusioned with the fact that no one seems interested in you at all.
You have become your public persona and are not sure if you count other than when you are feeling thoughtful to others.
The holiday fiasco would be comedy if it didn't impact on your feelings as the motivator and the idea originator.
This year holidays are not what they have been made out to be.
In some cases they have become feats of endurance.
I think that maybe you are not giving yourself enough credit for being you.
Even chiefs and prime ministers must have moments of eerie loneliness when they realise people are relying on them for things they haven't the ability to solve.
They probably pass this of as collateral damage and just ignore swathes of destruction in people's lives because it works for them.
But you sound as though you are an empath and you sense others discomfort and feelings of disengagement!
So you try to make everything work for everyone.
You will never get the same level of attention and encouragement unless you mingle with other empaths.
So seek your company wisely and hold back a little on helping others feel good about themselves or you may find you are feeling permanently drained.
Give your energy only to those worthy of it such as family and close friends and see if you can renew yourself, rather than drain yourself in the company of others.
If you start to feel isolated amongst company you need to get some rest because that's when you are draining your energy out and when you are depleted and no one is there to help you to renew it you will then translate that as lonliness.
Wise Owls suggestion to seek a spiritual pathway is very wise indeed as you need to be amongst similarly minded people who see deeper than the clothes you wear and what you purchase in the material world.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2021): I can only go by what comes through in your post:
"When I meet friends I like the noise and them debating or laughing about things but I don’t say much. I never have much to say. Although they are good people. It’s not them."
99% of your post sounds so loudly of "I... I... I... I... I... I... I..." that I'd swear the screen hurts my ears.
After your mentioning the break-up with your gf, I was looking forward to hearing what is it about your relationship, about her, that you feel you are missing... but, nothing. Not one word about her.
Your post comes across as that of someone who's inwardly constantly waiting for the people he hangs out with to realize and tell him just how great and strong he is, and be 'impressed' by how he's got a strong hand on things.
Did you initiate the break-up with your gf? Was there a part of you that did so because you were looking forward to how people would be 'impressed' by how you were nevertheless 'quite ok' despite the break-up?... Maybe you got a bit/plenty of that 'approval' for a while, but quite quickly, people moved on, and the 'approval' stopped coming.
"When I meet friends I like the noise and them debating or laughing about things but I don’t say much."
If after hanging out with 'friends', you're telling total strangers on the internet that the conversations of those 'friends' is 'noise' in your view... need I say more? Are you surprised that you feel lonely?
Could it be that you feel lonely because you secretly think that you're 'better' than your 'friends'... better than these *good* people?
"Although they are good people. It’s not them."
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2021): Dear poster,
I just want you to know, that first, you are not alone in this situation and that, you are doing just fine. It maybe takes time, but this sadness will be soon over. A gf/bf relationship broke up is really a pain. It will take real time to get heal.
But a pain that coming from a broke up from deep disfunctional family" believe me, this is the worst pain you can have. A pain from parents, siblings, 1 parent of your children and even your own children, when that is the cost of your pain, that is the worst one. Trust me, because im dealing with that right now...
So cheer up, keep doing what youre doing, you will be fine soon. Keep yourself busy keep moving on and just dont look back, one day, you will laugh at it.
Good luck
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2021): I actually meant to say:
"When people who call themselves friends only seem to need you if they want something; but they abandon you when you need them."
P.S.
You may be missing your calling to help those in need. If you have a little spare time, volunteer to help others. You already have it in you to think beyond yourself. You said you help your friends, even though you feel all alone yourself. Maybe the void to be filled comes from being of service to others. You will find true-love again. She's making her way towards you. Maybe your destiny at the moment may require something other from you. God will reward you with everything else you need.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2021): Here's a little something different. You never get this kind of advice. Just delete it or ignore it if it's just not your ilk.
Humans are designed to need something beyond and above us. We need something bigger to believe in. We are not just a conscious-mind and a physical body; we also have a soul and spirit. We were designed to desire something that gives us inner peace, a feeling of purpose, and a comfort that runs deep within us. If you believe there is a God, that's what's calling you. He's there to answer those inner-cravings we have when we have checked all the boxes, reached all our goals; but we still feel like there is something missing. When it feels like we're invisible while standing elbow to elbow in a crowded room. When you talk to people, who are looking you straight in the eyes; but they don't hear one solitary word you're saying. When people who call themselves friends only seem to need you want they want something; but they abandon you when you need them.
From your post, looks like you've covered all the bases. Your spirit needs nourishment. That comes from worship and prayer. Visit a church, chapel, synagogue, mosque, or temple.
Faith and worship fills a void in your soul. If you have a Christian exposure from your childhood; but you left it all behind, when you got your education and became exposed to the world. Maybe it's time to revisit that which you were taught. If you have a Christian heritage, Jesus is calling you back. If you don't believe in Jesus, or there is a God; then totally ignore this. I've planted a seed. If Jesus is calling you, you can't ignore Him. You don't choose Him, He chooses us.
God bless you. Be thankful for your blessings. Congratulations on your promotion. It does matter, because you've excelled at something; and God rewards excellence. You take the time to help people, even when you yourself are feeling low. That's an innate kindness that is built-in; a little piece of God in all of us. It starts to sprout once nurtured with worship and prayer, and it blossoms into fruit when you accept Jesus as your Savior.
This only applies if you believe. Otherwise, you can ignore it...but not if God is calling you.
Be blessed!
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (24 October 2021):
 This is an all too familiar story. It is so often the case that the person who is always available and willing to support others gets no support when THEY need it. One of the reasons is, as you have said, because people assume they are strong and able to cope, whereas, underneath that tough exterior, they may be crying out for someone to notice they are hurting.
I notice that everything you do in your spare time is solitary (or entails virtual connection with others). Like many, you thrive on being "useful" and needed. What is your passion in life? Have you considered volunteering to connect with others who share your passion? It could be anything from animal rescue to walking/cycling, to helping the homeless to taking a class to learn a new skill. What pulls at your heart strings? Do something about achieving that goal. In this way you will make new friends who share your passion. You will have something very real in common which will help you bond.
If you and your ex had been together over 8 years and not made plans to marry, then the relationship had obviously run its course and you were together out of habit/fear of being alone. Have you considered going on dating sites and looking for someone new with whom to share your life?
If you keep doing what you are doing, you will keep getting the same results. You have to take a risk and put yourself out there. If you want something, you have to actively look for it. Your friends are tied up with their own lives and not able/willing to put themselves out for you. Find some new friends who are more on your wavelength. It sounds like you have a lot to offer and that you just need a friendly push to actually do something about it.
Wishing you all the best.
...............................
|
