A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm nearly 26 and my partner is 28. I have a 9 year old daughter from a previous relationship but she rarely sees her dad so it's my partner who helps her with homework, takes her on days out and comforts her when she's unwell etc. He's such a lovely guy and I know he's going to be a brilliant dad. The trouble is we can't agree on when this should happen!I've been broody for about a year now. I would give anything for us to have a child of our own, I can't wait to be a mum for the second time and really want to share that experience with my partner. He's sure he wants children but he wants to wait a few years.I really don't want to do this. I have always said that if I get to 30 and it hasn't happened then I won't have anymore. but now it looks as though that's exactly how long he wants to wait! If I didn't actually give birth until I was 32 my daughter would be 15 by then and gaining her own independence and be able to look after herself a little so I wouldn't need to be at home so much of the time. I've always thought that once this happened I would be able to study and work full time, spend a little more time with friends etc. Basically have a little bit of 'me' back! If I wait until this point to have another baby I'll be starting all over again and I'm not sure I would want that. I had my daughter so young and although I love her to bits and wouldn't change anything I don't want to spend my entire life raising children, I want to have time to do a few things for me. My partner doesn't understand this. He says the way I explain it makes it sound as though I feel it's a burden to have young children. That's not it at all, I just want to make sure there's a little of my life for me. To better myself and discover new experiences. Neither of us are prepared to budge on the situation and I wouldn't expect him to. I don't want him to have a baby now that he doesn't really want just to please me but I don't know what we're going to do. I love him to bits but if we wait a few years I know I won't want to have another baby. If this happens he will either have to face never having his own children, or leaving me for someone who can give him what he needs.Our relationship is so strong this is the first time I've been frightened for our future. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (21 April 2011):
 Whew Cerberus! I thought there for a moment that I had you all wrong!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2011): haha *her husband
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2011): Oh and you can't possibly know if you won't want another baby in the future OP. In fact most women I know become very broody in their 30's because 35 is the biological cut off point.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2011): You do know that having a baby when you're daughter is a little older means you have far more freedom right? I was a teenager when my sister was born and it meant they had a ready made babysitter and a third person to bare some of the load. They had a hell of a lot more freedom than you think. They went out two or three nights a week my mother started some courses in college, between my grandparents, her grand parents, me, my mother and my husband, there were lots of people ready and able to pitch in.
Your daughter is just getting to the age now where you are getting more freedom because she's getting older, she will be staying over in friends houses for the night, she's old enough now to cut the apron strings a bit but you're talking about disrupting everything and having a baby. Tying yourself down again for another 4 or 5 years, when as you said you kind of wish you had bit more freedom. You see you're in a rush thinking that you want to get it out of the way, so in the future you'll have more freedom, but if you wait then you get a lot more than you think.
Try and come to a compromise OP, he wants to wait you want one now. Both your reasons for this are valid but I think you've got the wrong idea when it comes to freedom, being able to further your own life. Your daughter is approaching the age where you can start to do that pretty soon if not now. You can start studying now, you can start building that life now, she's old enough now that you can arrange her school schedule around a college schedule, college doesn't take up that many hours anyway. You would have the financial means now to go to college rather than try and do it later with two kids to pay for, including a teenager that will demand ever more expensive stuff. You see depending on your course it will take 3-4 years to study, or if you decide to work instead it will take that long to form a career, to start getting raises and gaining more finances. Basically if you start asserting your freedom now and start a path on a career now, you'll have everything set up and done, ready for a new child. You'll have your career started, you'll have your studies done and you will have a teenage daughter crying out for money for new stuff who will be only too glad to get paid for babysitting and will be of the level of maturity that she'd be almost a third parent.
Consider doing the things you want to do in the future, now. You say you love your daughter but because you were so young you kind of felt like you missed out a bit, now you want another one, you want to add another 5 years to not having any independence at all. I think you're not that broody for a kid OP, I think you're broody for a bit of independence, I think you feel you missed out on a lot of your youth and you want to have a kid now because you want that all in the future but why delay that? Why not do it now when you still have your youth, when your still in your mid 20's. You'll be much better equipped, much happier and will have done some of the things you want to do before that child is born, instead of rushing one now for the same reason.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2011): Hi, it sounds like your partner is maybe scared of becoming a dad, he might feel that because you are experienced in bringing up a child that he is worried he wont match up.Why not reach a compromise to wait no more than 1 year and during this time make sure your relationship really is solid and that neither of you will be bringing a baby into this as a means to hold a relationship together. It sounds like he is a good father figure to your daughter so enjoy the fact they get on so well. Age is only a number after all and 32 is hardly old!!
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