A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I broke up with my gf after 7 years. We took a break and now she has confessed she still has feelings for me. I admitted the same and she said she wants to speak about us possibly getting back together. I said we need a catch up. However she has not asked me yet and it has been 2 weeks. She will check in on my socials and comment but has not agreed to meet. I was in town last week and she was busy. I’m confused why she will not let go or meet? I still have very strong feelings so it is difficult to walk away and stick to it. I don’t confess much to her, so it is slightly mysterious but she knows I have not slept with anyone since whilst she has been meeting a older guy occasionally. She said she wanted to call it quits with him before but she’s not in a relationship. So I’m confused what it is? Anyway that’s not my concern however it is making me overthink. I have been focusing on myself and lots of good things have come as a result however I feel like she still has strong feelings for me too. Any suggestions or questions. ?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2022): I can do better. The anonymous writer helped. My ex is a fool. Lives in fantasy cuckoo land. Dating a guy who is cheating on his wife.
Enjoy! Whilst he has a minimum wage job like her. I’m doing very well, about to buy another property, have a nice car and Take care of myself.
We broke up because she complained about her bills, credit card and any problem she had. She would tell me in mornings and stress me out until one morning I burst and told her I had enough of her moaning.
During our one year of breakup, I worked on myself. She did nothing but meet the other guy. I spent hours in the gym, I spent hours reading and watching self improvement.
Alll my friends and family are telling me to move on. I know I can do better but I just wanted to give this girl a chance because we were dating when I was studying and a nobody.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2022): There is one hard truth I’ve learned to accept about people: They MAKE time for people they truly care about, no matter how busy they are. I can’t take credit for this next quote, but it sums it up perfectly: “There are those who talk to you in their spare time, and there are those who clear their time to talk to you. It’s important to understand the difference.” This applies no matter what type of relationship you have/had with them. It can be a significant other, family member, or friend. If someone has been given multiple chances to talk to you or meet up with you, and they always find a way to excuse themselves from making it happen, they aren’t at all emotionally invested in the relationship.
In her case, it truly sounds to me like she contacted you to stroke her own ego and nothing more. It makes her feel “special” to know her ex still has feelings for her. If I were you, I’d block her and forget about it, as painful as it may be for you. You don’t need an ex contacting you here and there to toy with you. It will keep you from moving on, which could be the point.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2022): Sorry, I found other typos. We don't have an edit button!
Meant to say:
"She'll tell you what you want to [hear], basically to make you stay put; and she will conform to whatever terms you've set to hold her hostage to a relationship that will never evolve, or elevate to the next level."
***Some women will do this, because they feel they may have no other choice; but they will do it for love. They'll even have children (out of wedlock) to fulfill their "faux-marriage;" while he maintains an escape clause, to up and leave whenever he pleases. He doesn't lose his property or assets through divorce; but he still has the benefit of having kids...provided he really wants to love and help parent them. Some disappear, never to seen or heard-of again! Most just move-on and marry somebody else. Start a new family, and just tolerate the kids they had with their exes. The ex becomes scornful, a wedge, and source of baby-mama drama. It's a sad commentary, but these are the times we live-in. Not all women will stand for it.***
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2022): Typo corrections:
"[It's] the lowest of lows anyone can sink to."
"Which translates to having an addiction to being [in] a relationship; even when it is full of unresolved-issues, fighting, and mutual-distrust."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2022): "I don’t confess much to her, so it is slightly mysterious but she knows I have not slept with anyone since whilst she has been meeting a older guy occasionally."
Be sure that considerations for reconciliation is not predicated on feelings of jealousy. People breakup for all sorts of reasons; and as Honeypie pointed-out in her post, you don't explain why you broke-up. A successful and durable reconciliation following a period of breakup rests strongly on the reasons you broke-up in the first-place. Trust is a very strong and contributive factor in maintaining a good relationship. Trust is what gives a relationship its stamina and ability to endure stress and a barrage of unforeseen challenges. Troubles hit all relationships, no matter what kind they are; be they romantic, friendship, business, or family relationships. In any one of these mentioned, you can't rebuild a broken-relationship without trust. It's a laborious process to rebuild trust you have betrayed. You have in-effect, proven to the person you've betrayed that you don't honor or appreciate their gift of trust. Love cannot survive without trust to fuel it; try as you may, it will fail without it. It's like oxygen to breathe. Without it, we'll die.
Cheating scars the heart permanently; even if the one you cheated on forgives you. Once you commit, then cheat, you bring your love, faithfulness, and sincerity into question. Your credibility is shot.
If you repeat that same transgression yet again, you don't deserve another chance. In a repeated offense of cheating, the cheater is only sorry they got caught; not for what they did. They feel they own their partner/spouse like property, and won't give them up; but they will, almost inevitably, will cheat again. It is certain they will, because they've already broken that conscientious-restraint built into our psyche to be faithful to someone we've committed to. Once that type of self-control or restraint is dissolved, few can fix it. Subconsciously, they really don't want to. They fear they're missing something. It would take a superhuman effort to regain that self-control; because you'll no longer value the person you have. You'll just keep them because you don't want to admit your failure at being faithful, and won't own-up to your crimes. It the lowest of lows anyone can sink to. The betrayal of cheating is nasty, vicious, and toxic; but a cheater only realizes that only when they've become the victim of it.
Another factor required for a successful reconciliation is that "each person" has to have changed their ways; if those actions and behaviors are what lead-up to a breakup.
You can't just reverse a breakup based on a vague promise to do better. When you're desperate to have your way, in this case to get her back; you both will make promises based on nothing but your word, only said to entice and/or bait each-other back into each-other's arms. Meanwhile, nothing has changed in or about either of you. Which means relationship-problems remain unresolved; because you're either in-denial, or there is a stalemate between you. You feel each has done something equally bad enough to break-even. How is that presumption a solution to the list of reasons that made things so bad you had to breakup? You're a full-grown rational adult. I suggest you ponder on this question.
Of course, for the first few weeks of reconciliation everybody is going to be on their best behavior. If nobody has changed, it's only a matter of time before things revert back to where they were before the breakup. Unsettled issues resurface, old bad-behaviors make a comeback; and you're right back to square one.
If you've been together for the span of seven years, I will go so far as to presume there were random instances of these "breaks" taken; or supposedly "temporary separations," following disagreements or terrible fights. You were caught in violation of promise made in a truce; or she lied to cover one of hers, and you were not about to let her getaway with it. This is what often establishes a pattern of make ups and breakups; and is proof that there is a serious problem in communication, mutual distrust, and an inability to compromise and keep to your end of the deal made to salvage the relationship.
You'll appease each-other with sugarcoated-promises, and gratuitously anoint each-other with "I love you's;" which you know deep-down inside, you made promises you can't (or deliberately) will not keep. Thus you'll create a pattern of breaking-up, and returning to each-other due to jealousy. Worrying that either of you will see other people.
Maybe it's due to a fear of loneliness; and the discomfort of separation anxiety, which is caused by dependency. Which translates to having an addiction to being a relationship; even when it is full of unresolved issues, fighting, and mutual-distrust. You're supposed to enjoy a romantic-relationship for more than the benefit of sex. Possessiveness and discomfort with the thought of a partner having sex with other people is usually the primary-motive behind reconciliations; and not necessarily because of love. If love ran so deep, my friend, you would have made this woman your wife over the span of seven years. I guarantee you, this has crossed her mind; even if she has lied and tells you she doesn't want it, or pretends she's happy with the way things are. Remember, trust is a big-time factor, and people won't be fully honest when they can't trust you. She'll tell you what you want to here, basically to make you stay put and she will conform to whatever terms you've set to hold her hostage to a relationship that will never evolve or elevate to the next level. She may want kids, and doesn't wish to sit around waiting until you feel like proposing. When she's past her prime childbearing years. Maybe you want kids, but don't want to commit to the responsibility of being a husband. You think that hasn't crossed her thoughts? Think again! They don't always say it or admit it. They'll base their answers to your terms of agreement only to keep you around. In essence, she may lie to please you. To be your perpetual-girlfriend, ride-or-die unto eternity. Wish on, brother! The older-guy is settled, mature, and less afraid of making a commitment that leads to a higher-level. Bear this in-mind, but not as your motive to reconcile.
If you don't foresee much in the future about the relationship (i.e. kids, marriage). If you just want it the same forevermore. I'll bet she doesn't; even if you dumped her for cheating, or whatever!
You say you don't confess much. Then what are you hiding? How can anyone trust a person with hidden secrets??? Not all things have to be revealed; but if you hide secrets you know will definitely effect the outcome of the relationship, that means you are doing (or have done) something you have/had no business doing. You betrayed her trust unbeknownst to her; or you are aware of something she has done, and you only pretend you have forgiven her for. Maybe you punish each-other hiding behind fake-faces of forgiveness. God designed forgiveness so it is foolproof. If it is not real, there is no restoration of love, trust, or peace. You'll fool nobody but yourselves.
Forgiveness sometimes takes time. We don't forgive as easily as we want to forgive. We can do it verbally, or say it in theory, with the best of intentions to follow-through; but we have to make the other person believe they are forgiven in order get them back, if they have decided to leave. We're back to the problem of trust. You just can't shake that. It's the oxygen love survives on. Forgiveness is conditional. You can't do it again; and expect forgiveness again and again. Then you're mocking the forgiver and playing them for a fool!!! God hates that, and He will separate you permanently through His divine intervention to protect you from each-other. Reconciliation will never happen; unless He (God) condones and allows it. He is a force you can't resist. You don't have to believe that; nor can you disprove it!
She has not met yet, because she is wisely giving it all some serious thought. She is, or has, done some introspection. I speculate that she is deciding whether she can keep-up her end of the negotiations in your reconciliation agreement; or whether she is fully convinced you will. She also realizes that you may only want her back out of your male-pride, and a sense of possessiveness; because we males have an inherent displeasure with the thought of some other male enjoying the physical-pleasures of the person we hold as our own personal-property. Even if we can't stand his or her guts! Women share those feelings too; and will often take you back to get you away from the other woman (or other women); but it is more of an act of manipulation, than one of a willingness to let bygones be bygones. You will be held responsible for whatever you've done to hurt her for a very long time; and every-time you act suspiciously, or break a promise; she will have total-recall of every-time and every way you've hurt her. Some things we just never get-over; hence, forgiveness was only a prop, or bait used to get you back. It was not sincere, but forced by circumstance. You will be forever sentenced to making it up to her; but nothing you will do will really earn that trust or forgiveness back in it's original form. No matter how long or how hard you may try.
You will have to depend on time to fade the memory of it to a point it is well forgotten. Some people have long memories.
Most reconciliations don't work for the reasons I've given. Sit it out and wait; until she makes up her mind. I don't think she wants to reconcile; because she is too torn about it. In the throws of emotion, she may have agreed on the spur of the moment. Just as you've sought opinion and advice, she is doing the same. If this is the make up to breakup pattern I've previously mentioned; she knows you'll only repeat the cycle. If what either of you did to cause this breakup is not fully forgiven and resolved, and if trust is not restored; you will have to endure another breakup, and all the pain you feel right now will feel twice as bad.
If the older-man is your reason for wanting her back; don't for one minute think she hasn't considered that. She wouldn't have turned to someone else so quickly; if the love and trust was there that is needed to reconcile your differences and salvage your relationship.
Only a marriage deserves efforts beyond all imagination to restore. I don't care how long you've held onto each-other as a couple; it does not compare to a commitment as established and deserving of the effort as a marriage. It would be better to end-it; then move on, and try it with someone else who may be a better match. During that down-time after the breakup; you can work on all the things in yourself that contributed to the failure of the last relationship. Wisely use what you've learned to make the next one better. If you were married, you'd instinctively and would desperately put in significantly more of the effort. You aren't, so much of what you say to each-other to reconcile may only be hollow-promises to keep each-other away from other people. You don't have divorce as an option or threat; so her decision to leave for good is proof of how much trust has a part to play in reconciliation. No matter who is at fault. It takes two.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2022): You broke up with her, you split, and now you are put out that she isn't chomping at the bit to get back with you. Oh diddums. Why would she put up with you hurting her so badly and then come back when you click your fingers? You also forget that the cause of the break up is still there, you would end up breaking up again and again over the same thing.
She can easily get a man who knows his own mind better, treats her nicer and is more reliable, so why would she come back to you?
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2022): You say you broke up as if it is nothing, it is quite clearly a huge something. If you broke up with her and you ended it you can hardly expect her to jump at the chance of you changing your mind. As if you are doing her a favour if you end it and then change your mind.Big deal. Until the next time. She's got another man! Good for her. She can easily get other men. It's always easier for women to get men than men to get women. You should have thought of this before.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (30 May 2022):
 Ah OP,
She just wanted to know that you still wanted her.
I am also curious as to why you broke up. Usually, people break up for a reason, a GOOD reason. That reason is still valid now.
Maybe she hasn't found a "replacement" as fast as she thought she would and felt it is nice to keep a "spare" in the pocket (that is you) in case she doesn't find "better".
You two didn't go on a break, you broke up. She started sleeping with some older dude. Maybe he is not all that great in bed and she misses the intimacy she had with you, a younger man? Maybe he gives her something YOU did not? Like, stability or money? Maybe that is why she hasn't ended it with him? Who knows, but the fact that she is STILL seeing him makes me think that she likes the IDEA or FANTASY of the two of you, but not the reality.
I think if she was KEEN on getting back together she would have made SURE to make time for you. But no, you were in town and she was "too busy" to see you. Doesn't that tell you something? It's NOT a priority for her to get back together. She wanted to feel desired, and you gave her that, so now she is good for now.
You will continue to have feelings for each other as long as you keep this contact going, after all, you have 7 years of history, experiences, memories, etc. together! And it doesn't seem like you two ended on a bad note. Of course, there are some feelings there.
My advice? Wish her well. CUT all contact. (unless you share kids, then get a parenting app and talk only about the kids through that) She isn't as into you as you hoped. YOU need to move on and find someone who WANTS to actually BE with you, not just TALK about being together. Someone you share things in common with, can make a future with.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2022): Why did you break up in the first place? Whatever the problem was (or problems) unless it is resolved, you will only put each other through hell.
Peple break up for a reason.
She could be lonely ad nostalgic, just fantasizing. You are the one who's taking this (too) seriously.
Ih she wanted to do asomething she would have made time to see you. It is as simple as that.
Talk is cheap. It's what we do that counts.
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