A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a problem. My husband is obsessive over wine.Really, really obsessive.He's drinking it at 8am in the morning with cereal, drunk it at 2pm with our son, and even bulk-buys wine.He's even got up in the night to drink wine.He'd also been seen in the neighborhood drinking a bottle of wine while riding his motorbike. How he didn't get a DUI for doing this, I don't know. Fucking stupid. In fact, some people have seen him doing this several times now!It's gotten so bad he's nicknamed "Pinot Grigio Guy" by a family friend!We've been married for 14 years now and have an 13-year-old son.I've asked him if there's anything he'd like to discuss but no, he won't talk about it, not even sensitively with me.I can understand if someone's got a passion for wine, really loves it but this isn't like that; he's either drinking it straight from the bottle or gets angry if he can't have any. Not even sipping it slowly appreciating it!!I've also noticed he keeps going to the supermarket a lot just to buy wine.I like wine and appreciate it, but would never, never ever drink it with cereal in the morning or sit drinking it with my son in the afternoon.This is an obvious sign of alcoholism, ain't it?He says "I ain't never gonna go to Alcoholics Anonymous, it's a front group for government to get you away from alcohol and fun. It's only something the government's doing to sway you away from having fun. Next thing comes own nothing and be happy". Very conspiracy-theory like, isn't it?Mind you, this is the same guy who said "Postal votes aren't subject to fraud, either, Trump's gone crazy".He and my son are supposed to be going away on a small camping trip for the weekend but I'm worried about him drinking on it and forgetting it's supposed to be about him and our son, not drinking. The camping trip was something he'd promised our son.I did ask him one night what's got him so into wine ahead of everything else, as this was out-of-character, but he said "Goddamn, I've never discovered before now how good wine was. What the fucking hell have I been missing? I should have drunk wine ages ago."He doesn't seem to know or accept he's got a problem.I'd have been happy if he had a passion for wine, but this seems like pure alcoholism.I'm supposed to be a mom to my son, not mom and dad at the same time.Divorce seems like an easy option but then again I'm trying to take my marriage vows seriously.I try and try my best to be a wife and mom and feel like our marriage is being ignored.I've also become concerned after he sold our son's superhero action figures on eBay and used the proceeds to buy more wine. I only found out because he'd stupidly used our email to tell the buyer this over email and claimed he was a wine collector.That same day, he'd bought more wine.Our son was frantically looking for his superhero action figures one day and I had to gently tell him dad wasn't acting right and that he was ill. Our son looked crestfallen as these were things he'd had bought for him on birthdays and Christmas as presents.Should I get him to buy new action figures for my son, or use this as an opportunity to teach my son the value of money and he can earn his own money to buy action figures, or get my husband to replace them, or buy them back off the guy he sold them to? Which option is best?Then again, seeing as my husband did it, perhaps he should be the one to apologise and buy him new ones.Do you think my husband will suddenly see the light and realize how much alcohol is affecting him?I like a drink now and then but not to this extent.I do love him but it's now becoming more like "I did love him".I'm questioning my whole marriage all because my husband's newfound interest in wine, which has gone on for 3 months now.Alcoholism isn't an issue in my family. Sure, we like a drink now and then at parties and Christmas, but it's not something our life centers around. We have a healthy relationship with alcohol.I don't know what it's like in my husband's family though.I can confirm that before marriage, this wasn't an issue; he was a good regular guy before we were dating.Please just help me as I don't want to go insane over this but I am stressed to the max over things.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2022): A drunk's or a drug-addict's main defense for their behavior is denial. You tell them they're a drunk or an addict, and they will flat-out deny it; even if they were 50 sheets to the wind, and high as Mount Everest! These are sick people, and they make everyone's life around them miserable; while they perceive what they're doing as fun and relaxation.
"Divorce seems like an easy option but then again I'm trying to take my marriage vows seriously."
Oh really, how's he doing on his end of the deal???
So you say, but you're not the only one putting-up with it; this behavior is going-on in front of your 13 year-old son. Divorce is not an "easy" option; but a child's welfare and wellbeing is a top priority. They don't get to choose their home environment or their parents. They are the innocent victim-bystanders to bad-marriages and dysfunctional-families. They are held captives to hell on earth! Mothers who put-up with terrible men, because they're afraid to be alone; and fathers who let terrible women turn their households upside-down and inside-out, because they don't have the balls to say enough is enough. Their children suffer, and grow-up with all sorts of social and psychological issues. They repeat the same behaviors in their own marriages and relationships. It's what they've been conditioned to. It's their normal.
Drunks and drug-addicts should not drive, operate machinery, or be left alone with small children. They should not even be around children while intoxicated or high! Their behavior is reckless, obnoxious, and potentially dangerous! Especially the ones who refuse to get any treatment; and will grind you to a pulp if you mess with their sauce. His drink is more important to him than you or his son.
No use in advising you, if you let him refuse rehabilitation. What other option is there when you know he's an alcoholic? You're an enabler; because you've let him win. He is the worse example of a father in-front of his son. He drinks all day, and he drives while intoxicated. Innocent pedestrians and other drivers are his potential victims. Wait until he hits some child, and you have to face another mother.
"I'm sorry's" don't mean squat, when some drunk has mangled or killed someone while driving intoxicated.
You think the kid is going to dismiss and forget he sold his action figures on eBay? It's not about the materialistic value of the toys, it's the fact his father didn't give a rat's patootie about how his kid would feel about it. You're talking about making the kid work to replace them, as if it's the child's fault. Seriously?!! Talk about being in denial!
Let's just see how long you'll take it, before you become a drunk too; and your son becomes fed-up with the both of you. He deserves better than this. He will grow-up resentful of you both. Not just his dad.
My words have to be tough, in order to move you to action to save your family. You are the only adult in the room. Don't give-up! Seek counseling for you and your son; so he isn't exposed to bad-parenting, and your husband's drunken abuse. He learns from what he sees, and he is sure to mimic the behavior. A boy's father is his role-model.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2022): Some people go through times of incredible stress, worry, hopelessness, loneliness, and drink to dull the bad bits. Once their problem is gone they stop doing it because they were self medicating, as we therapists call it. If your husband is going through some sort of emotional or mental nightmare this would explain why he behaves this way, when the nightmare ends the behaviour ends. Otherwise he is an alcoholic pure and simple, no matter what he ways. Most deny it and try to convince everyone they are just having a tipple or the other person is being too hung up over it. They lie about how much they drink too. You may SEE them drinking three times a day but it may well be six or more times a day that you do not see. People like this need a good therapist, you can complain and moan but you cannot help, you are not qualified, experienced or knowledgeable enough. In the meantime you take care of yourself - leave if you can and have to, leave him to it. I
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2022): "but this seems like pure alcoholism."
You husband IS an alcoholic.
The fact that he drinks wine ate 8 AM makes it painfully obvious. He's an addict and things with addicts ALWAYS get worse.
You need to protect your son and yourself. COnsult a lawyer. You need to be ready for everything.
Ask people you trust (choose them carefully!) for help. He needs therapy and/or rehab. He will have pretty strong withdrawal symptoms and he needs medical care.
You need to either find a place for you and your son to stay while your husband is getting better (and is medically supervised, including therapy, AA...) or he needs to leave. You must protect your son from all of this.
No. Your husband WILL NOT see the light until he looses something (you). I'm nots aying you should leave him right away for good, but you should create a safe space for your son and give an ultimatum to your husband.
Before you do, find all the help he can get doctors, rehabs, therapists... so that he doesn't have to start from scratch.
Is he close with anybody? Friends, family? Somebody who could be there for him too? Make sure that you vet anybody before sharing this information. Not all poeple will be helpful.
My husband suffers from coscial anxiety. We don't see poeple often (big dinners or parties).
When we do he has to drink two beers. I know it sounds stupid to compare two beers ocassionaly with your husband's problem, BUT it's not about quantaty, it's about obsession/compulsion. My husband needs that "boost" to be able to deal with people. Your husband needs to deal with his underlying issues.
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