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female
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anonymous
writes: im so confused.....ok my bf and i broke up a month ago becuz he said that he dont love me and that he dont want a relationship right now and just wants to be friends for right now........( well i know that he does love me and that he didnt want to break up with me but he felt that he had to cuz he felt that he wasnt the one for me)well a month later which was last nite i asked him if he would teach me hockey sumtme and and he said ok but you have to get a stick that fits you and i said ok then i asked when he would want to play and he said i dont know if i will have time tho and i said ok well you spend your weekends at home and you cant find an hour to teach me and he said well my bro is coming home next weekend from the army and i said i didnt ask to play next weekend i asked when would be a good time for you to play. Then i said it sounds like to me that you dont want to hangout with me and if you dont tell me straight up...he said i guess i dont and i said you dont what? and he said want to play....at this point i was pissed so i said well what do you define me as a friend if you dont want to hangout or talk with me and he said somebody im cool with......and i said well you cant call me a friend if we dont act like friends...........he said well i guess i cant be friends with you then and i asked why and he said becuz most of my friends dont make him do stuff with them to be friends...and i said look i do you like hate me or something and he said no and i said ok well can we ever hangout sumtime im not asking all the time but your a great person and i miss hanging out with you....and he said ok one of theses nights we can but im goin to bed now......that was the end of our convo.......I been getting the vibe that hes not comforable with me. We hug each another when we see and say goodbye to one another.......i just dont understand what he wants...........What should i do?What is he thinking? What does he mean "somebody that he's cool with"?
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female
reader, marie78 +, writes (20 November 2006):
I don't even have to read past the 2nd paragraph to tell you to leave this guy alone. And I know that it's easier said than done, but honey, he's not even showing an interest in you. Leave him alone- it's going to hurt but trust me, it's worth it. Keep your dignity in tact. Good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2006): In your last conversation with him what you were doing by asking all of those pointed questions was pressuring him to be in the kind of relationship that you define as being friends, hanging out and spending time together.
I understand how you feel and what you want from him and I am not telling you that you never will have this with him or that you should not want it with him, however, your style of pressuring him is not working with him.
Your boyfriend broke up with you, if he wanted a girlfriend that he had to answer to and be available for he would not have broken up with you....I think it would be best for you to give him his space and let him ask you to teach you to play hockey, you asked him, now wait till he responds, or instead when you ask, nail a date, you pick the date and get him to agree and wait for him to follow through....but to just pressure on the whole topic of being friends is actually pushing him away.
When he says he is cool with you, it means he still likes you, has no bad feelings for you, but he is no longer your boyfriend....being a friend to him is someone he is on speaking terms with but has no obligations or commitments to be available everytime you say so....
Try to just be more independent and start hanging out with other guys and be friends with your ex if you feel comfortable doing so, you never know, things could always progress towards the boyfriend/girlfriend thing with him in the future.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2006): No wonder he's not comfortable with you! Look how you pressure him! You asked him to teach you to play hockey, and he tells you have to get a proper stick, but then adds he doesn't know when he'll have time.....YOU said "Well, you spend your weekends at home and you can't find an hour to teach me" I can just HEAR the contempt in your voice!
Where he spends his weekends, and what he does with his spare time - brother coming or not, whatever - is HIS time. He doesn't need to acccount for how he spends it to anybody!
A better way would have been for you to say, " Okay then, just let me know when you'll be available to give me a lesson" and let it go at that! Non-judgmental, leaving him space and freedom to set the time, so that you both go about your own activities without worrying. Do you understand that?
Instead, you just made it worse by getting more angry and telling him he doesn't want to hang out with you - you're right: you TOLD him he didn't want to hang out with you and he agreed. Why did you do that!
Not only that, but you both broke up a month ago. What did he tell you? That he doesn't love you and does not want to be in a relationship with you right now, but you can be friends......But YOU know better: you say you know he "does" love you. Whatever makes you think you can read his mind, when he's flat-out told you he does not love you? This sounds like arrogance (on your part) as well as not respecting his wish not to be in relationship with you.
Besides which, its not usually wise or common practice, to be "friends" with an ex. Why not? Because one or the other of you will be secretly hoping to revive the romance, and when that does not happen, more hurt and disappointment is in store. What usually happens to the "friends" business is that one or two phone calls are exchanged; maybe you meet for coffee, then it tapers off to nothing.
To get back with an ex there has to be some real work on both sides to resolve the issues that caused the break up in the first place, otherwise its same-old, same-old, and won't work.
By the way: "Somebody cool" he can be with would be someone who can relax, take things in stride; not want it all her own way all the time, and not put pressure on him, and whose company he enjoys and has fun with. Think that description fits you?
Best thing now is to just let it go and see what you can learn from all that happened. Sounds like you have some issues you need to work out about your own attitudes. I know I sound harsh, but hopefully you can begin to find a better way to deal with people.......
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