A
female
age
36-40,
*TP
writes:I'm in some serious need of help here guys. Please, ANY advice would be amazing cause i have no clue what to do anymore, and i get the feeling my friends are just saying what they think they should say....Background:I am 19 years old and would have been dating my boyfriend - let's call him 'A' (about 5 months younger than me) for 2 years next week. Prior to us dating, he was my best friend. I have always had relationship issues. I blame it on my parents crappy love life. All through school *high school to you americans =) * i declined any form of relationship as i knew it would eventually lead to getting burned. Seriously; i was a very cynical kid.Anyway, as i said, 'A' and i were best friends. Called every night for like 5 hours on the phone easy. Talked alot on MSN too. However. When it came to school, we never spoke. This way mainly my fault as i was terrified. Loser. Anyway. It got to a point about 5 months before my GCSE's and the end of school, when he asked me out. I freaked out and said no. The friendship turned sour and crumbled like pompey. We didn't speak for almost 2 years.Anyway, VEERY long story short, in college, he sought me out and we started talking again - however he had a girlfriend. I was instantaneously jealous, but obviously said nothing. We were chatting away every night again, and in hindsight, I blame ALOT of their breakdown on me, even if he claims otherwise. Anyway, they broke up after a few months. Then i had a horrible death in the family one day - my stepbrother who i'd been close to since i was 8, and immediately called him up. He took me out of the house and we went out. It was almost like a date. Creepy circumstances. Basically we just walked around and he held me alot whilst i cried (in the rain!) and i realised how much i really loved him.Now freud would probably argue that i latched onto him in a desparate circumstance and if it were anyone else, i'd probably agree - but this was different. I can't explain how. It just was. Maybe cause i'd let down my defences...i don't know. Aaaaaaaaanyway. A month or so later and we're going out and all is well and dandy.Now. He is VERY good at Bass Guitar and is currently studying at a very prestigious college for music. He'll go far, i know he will.However. It is literally Eating all his time. And it has gotten to the point where we've broken up becasue he can't give us both (yes. The college is personified) all his time. He said he had to choose. I immediately told him that was a no-brainer then, and that i'd not only Not let him have to make that kind of decision, but also that i wouldn't let him pick me over the college. He loves that place so much. And he has friends there. So for the sake of his future (and resentment for forever if i said "pick me!") i became the adult one, and ended the relationship.That was about 5 hours ago.However, he cried and said he didn't want to lose me, and i sure as hell don't want to lose him. He is without a doubt my soulmate. He know's what i'm thinking before i do. I genuinely cannot imagine life without him. We KINDA broke up yesterday, but it wasn't confirmed until today, and i spent all night and day in tears. We both are still sickeningly in love, but our relationship cannot work with the college and me. It's not a case of i'm just being clingy - he doesn't get in until 11:30pm most nights because of practice, and i work all week including saturday, in retail so i'm exhausted too. I won't even get started on our lack of a sex life becasue of tiredness. That's a wholeeeee 'nother thread. This one is blatently too long already.So yeah, the question i need answering is: What am i supposed to do? We've broken up because it will be better all around - espcially for him. But we both love each other so much, and he literally walks past the shop Everyday. I don't know how i'm going to cope without him. I've lost my boyfriend and best friend in the same day =( Please! Some advice!!!!Many Many Thanks in advance!!~~KTx
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2008): So Sorry for you, I know it must be difficult. But I see your strong, and I know you can cope with this and get stronger.
Congratulations about your job, so much responsibility and at such a young age too. I understand how difficult contact must be, and off course it's better to stay away and keep the pain to a minimum. I know you must miss each other, but it will be better this way. Keep concentrating on work, friends and family. Keep eating well, exercesing and looking after yourself. Your beautifull, it's just that you fell in love with the wrong person at the wrong time. Time will heal all, everything will work out well, just you wait and see. Take care of you, be strong.
A
female
reader, KTP +, writes (6 June 2008):
KTP is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just thought i'd update:
We've just had a long chat and agreed that we need to not talk. I succumbed once or twice and text him - instantly regretting it. It's not making it easier on him, or me. So i'm deleting his number, and we've spoken on MSN and i've not blocked him, under the assumption that when we've both had time to grieve we'll go back to being friends.
I was kidding myself, telling everyone around me too that we would be back together within a week or two. A month at best. But now i know we wont be.
And it is absolutely hurting like hell. I've already been sick once, from sheer anxiety and stress. However, i know its for the best. As you beautifully put it, i need to let him go since i love him so much.
He better bloody pass ... .
He's said maybe once college is over we'll get back together, but to be honest, i'm not going to hold my breath.
So i guess the next question, is how long does heart ache last? Cause i'm not sure if i can cope with this lol!
And as for me DiovanLestat, i did pass my GCSE's, went on to A Levels (which weren't fab, but ok) and i'm now deputy manager of said shop. It's not what i want to be doing long term, but i have absolutely No Idea what that is. i'm just gaining business experience and trying to save up some money.
I'm going to take your advice, and focus on myself more as he is obviously going to be doing what he loves and if he doesn't go professional i will eat my non exsistant hat.
Right now, i'm focusing on getting up and going to work in the mornings and plodding through the day without crying too many times, but in a month or so, i will evaulate everything and see where to go from there. My friends are all in relationships and we all drifted when we got serious boyfriends, therefore it's tricky to moosey on back into their lives with doom and gloom, but they're solid friends, and they have already been amazing - and we're going on holiday soon too.
It'll all be ok in the end. It's not now, in any way shape or form, but i will be ok. It'll just take a while =)
Thank you so much for your kind words. They really helped =)
~~KT
x
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2008): You've been very brave, and very sensible. Unfortunately it's not a case of him loving music more than you, but he has a talent which needs to be developed and give the whole world pleasure.
I don't know why you both have to cut all contact. Can't you messenger him and e-mail him so he knows you still care. Can't he come into the shop and say hello.
Right now on to you. You've finished your GCSE's. Did you get good results. If not, you should sign on with an adult college and improve your grades. Your working in a shop, is this where you want to spend the rest of your life. Do you intend to make a career in retail. If not, then like him you have work to do. We need to find out what your special skill is, what your good at, what you can give to the world.
You need to concentrate on your future, just as he is concentrating on his future. Imagine yourself in five years time, what do you want to be doing, where do you want to work. This is what you should concentrate on now. Go back to college, pick up a hobby, make new friends, anything to develop you self esteem, confidence and skills and interests.
"If you love something, then let it go, if it loves you then it will come back." True love always lasts, no matter what. He'll be finished studying in a couple of years and who knows what will happen then. Stay focused on you, so that your future will be as golden as you can make it. Good luck.
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