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female
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anonymous
writes: We broke up mutually, you could say. I was talking to guy friends over the Internet. He was upset that I didn't tell him, which I know I should have. Even though I never met these guys in person to cheat on him or pursued anthing close to an online relationship with them, I still should have told him. To sort of get back I me I guess, he ended up becoming a member of this online swinger site where he posed as being single (when he wasn't). And he flirted with these girls who put photos up that were nearly nude. I broke up with him after I found out the second time. The first time I forgave him and he promised me he woudln't do it again. The second time I found out, I confronted him and he lied to me about it so I dumped him. After that I felt that I did the right thing. But ever since then I can't take my mind off of him and how much I really love him and wish we were back together. I sometimes think I am addicted to him because it's been 3 1/2 months and I still want him back and he says he just wants to be friends. Currently, I talk to guys online (not the same guys, I severed all ties because I thought it was the right thing to do) but I haven't gone on any dates. He says he hasn't either. He just talks to girls online and sometimes over the phone that he says are friends. We also talk everyday still. I am getting help through counselling and going to join a support group soon because I feel so messed up over this. Relationship addiction is a serious issue and can be the same or even more serious than drug or alcohol addiction. There needs to be more resources out there for women like me who love too much.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2005): Hun, this relationship was dysfunctional and you both set yourselves up for disaster right off the start. Trust and respect, the two key fundamental elements in any mature, healthy relationship simply did not exist here. Firstly, you lied about the online guy friends and you should 've known better. Then he joined a swingers website to get back at you and he should've known better. His and your actions tell me, you both weren't mature enough to be committed in a long-term relationship, together. You both were just dragging each other down. You did the best thing by dumping him, when he kept up his online shenanigans.
But the attachment to your ex-bf still lingers. It lingers because you feel as if you failed, but you didn't. The reason why it's hard to let go of the relationship that got away? Perhaps you are uncertain of yourself, insecure and you are doubting your decision to dump him because you keep thinking of his great qualities. He likely had a few. But remember, the biggest problem in your relationship was that he could only treat you well, only part of the time. The rest of the time, he acted hurtfully towards you. But you still think of that darned connection you both had. And now, it's more difficult still when you still interact with the caring side of him via the phone everyday. He still tugs at your heartstrings. You still feel conected because of the daily contact. But to let go of someone that is well and alive and you love, is an incredible task. How do you let go of him, when you know he's not good for you? You muster up all your willpower, all your strength and just say "good-bye" to him, one final time. To let go, will be painful, but forgive yourself, and understand that his behavior was not your fault. Understand that all of his behaviors comprise all of his person. Sometimes he was wonderful and sometimes he was horrible. And all of the time he was who he is.
Relationship/love addicts have a tendency to leave one relationship for another. It doesn't appear you are attempting to replace this lost relationships with a new one immediately so I have a hard time saying you may have a love/relationship addiction. You fell hard for this guy, dear and I think you simply need time away from him, with lots of space..to grieve this relationship. Give yourself time. But you do know yourself best..if you feel you are acting compulsively or being overly obsessive about this guy-then that is NOT healthy...please seek some counseling right away. I wish you the best dear-you take of yourself and begin healing.
Hugs,
Irish
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