A
female
age
41-50,
*herah1982
writes:I moved from Michigan to Maryland 2 years ago to be with a man I truly loved. We were supposed to get married but it never happened. Whenever it was close we would argue and call it off. He travels a lot for his job or just to go back to Michigan to visit friends and family. Soooo, I always had something to do so was unable to travel with him. I met a guy while my man was gone on one of his trips. We began to talk on times my man was gone on his trips. It was nothing sexual, just a friend that helped me out from time to time. I even told my man about it because I didn't feel it was a big deal. Anyways, my man asked me to stop talking to this guy. I promised I would. But I didn't. I still talk to him. My man found out and now we are broken up for good. I still love him and want him back. I just can't get through to him. I have tried everything. Crying, Writing Letters, Screaming, Suggesting counseling, Using a Mediator, Even giving him space. He feels that it must be more then just a friendship since I can't stop talking to the guy. My x-man doesn't trust me any more and he lets it be known every chance he gets. How do I gain his trust back? Does this just mean he doesn't love me any more?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2009): There is never a wasted moment when it comes to experiencing life. The time and energy you expressed with your former lover only became redundant when things turned out negatively. No human being can react on hindsight, since it is the 'sight' of the moment from the future.
A person's interpretation of your expressions, actions and reactions is not necessarily based on the length of time they have been in a relationship with you. A person's interpretative abilities is solely based on their perceptive and deciphering abilities. Therefore, even if you've been friends with him for half a century, it does not mean he can connect with you in the way you had hoped.
As for you keeping in touch with that male friend of yours, there is then no excuse why you had to, regardless of your reasons. Since you continued that contact, your most optimal 'choice' is to pursue other avenues, since it is apparent that your former lover cannot provide you what you desire.
All relationships are about experimenting, testing, building and growth - in all their varying degrees and cultures. Take this last relationship as a learning focal point for your future endeavors.
A
female
reader, sherah1982 +, writes (24 April 2009):
sherah1982 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Honestly i keep talking to the guy because he does provide what my ex guy lacks. I need things at a certain time. With my ex i have to keep reminding him and then wait til he gets around to doing what i ask. With the guy he is there basically everytime i call. Even if it is something stupid or as simple as a bag of chips. I have told my ex this is the reason i still talk to him. and also im not too big on pay back, but my ex has broken plenty of promises. And i even point them out. He just makes it seem like i am out here giving up my goods. I have commited the biggest sin. He constantly is telling me that no man does anything for free. Maybe the guy is waiting around and getting in good because he wants something in the long run. But i fully believe it is up to me if i would give it up. I feel my ex should know me waaaay better then he does!! It just hurts so much that he doubts me so much. I dont even know what to do or say anymore. Maybe I should just give up!! Somedays i just feel i waisted 2yrs of my life with him. And the eight years before that being a friend!!! :(
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A
female
reader, Plexi  +, writes (23 April 2009):
 First of all ask yourself...why can't you stop talking to this guy( be honest with yourself. what is missing from the relationship that you are getting from this guy? if you figure that out tell your man and ask him to give it to you. Next you need to cut all contact with the other guy. delete his email, delete and block him off of your msn or whatever and phone him in front of your man( so he hears the conversation) and just tell him that you think he is a special person but you love your man and wish to make your relationship work so he needs to understand that you want to END the friendship.
Trust will come with time, it takes a long time to build trust but it only takes one dishonesty to lose it.
Good luck hun, hope this helps:)
P,S. YOU NEED TO REALLY APOLOGIES TO YOUR MAN AND BEG FOR FORGIVENESS AND UNDERSTANDING
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2009): There are two issues that 'should' be addressed here:
One, it's his insecurity. Two, it's your broken word.
We cannot help his insecurity. These are personality traits that are stemmed from historical points in his life. Easing a partner's insecurities will take compromise on your part. If you are not willing to compromise much, then his insecurities will flare up greater. However, know that you will need to mediate between compromise and control. "Control" on his part. If at any time, you feel that his insecurities are controlling your livelihood, then you 'should' step back and reassess your relationship and yourself. Is this what you really want and is this what you're willing to go through forever?
Your broken word instigated his flare up and eventually lead to breaking up with you.
Ask yourself: "Why did I continue to contact that man even though I gave my word?"
Why did you?
Cause and effect.
I am not saying what you did was wrong and I do not think what you did was wrong, with the limited information you've provided. However, you broke your word. If you felt you wanted to keep contacting that man, don't make a promise.
Compromises is one thing, but making a compromise with a promise is setting yourself into the stance of integrity and ultimate trust. If you break it whether you thought it was unfair for you or not, you have still broken that integrity and ultimate trust.
We don't know if he 'loves' you any more.
Broken relationships take time and experience to mend. There is nothing in particular you have to do, but there is always the same things that you 'shouldn't' do to not weaken its foundations.
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